Dear Diary: Today Kendall’s Mom was wearing another fur vest. Make it stop.
Because I will get all this up on that damn stage and show you how we do it in ATL.
Lawd have mercy. I look over there and sure ’nuff…nuthin’ but crazy ladies.
Don’t make me throw my chair at you, Bitch!
Lawd have mercy. I look over there and sure ’nuff…nuthin’ but crazy ladies.
Please. I don’t even care if I dance. Just take me home with you. Get me outta here before I lose it.
Srsly, Girlfriend. This is THE most ratchet Bake Sale I’ve ever worked at.
Abby!! Abby!! Abby!!
With apologies to Jerry Springer.
And NeNe Leakes, of course.
And anyone else who has ever gotten hit by flying talk show furniture or slapped by a tightly wound Atlanta woman at a Reunion Show.
Dance Moms packed up their zebra print luggage and headed Down South this week for an emotional tribute to the Civil Rights Movement and the second of three Open Call Auditions for potential spots on the Abby Lee Dance Company Dream Team.
That’s right. If you think you can dance…and yo’ mama’s crazy…come on down and slap a gigantic number on your leotard, kids. The ALDC is looking for some fresh meat.
But that will have to wait for a few minutes.
You just stretch out and fix those feet while we try and explain how Jerry Springer got higher billing on the marquee this week than Abby Lee Miller. Because he totally did.
And it was awesome.
For a change of scenery, we started this week’s festivities with a stroll through the academic halls of Casa Ziegler-Gisoni where Maddie and Mackenzie were hard at work highlighting important stuff in their school books.
As you’ll recall, Mom Melissa had made the decision to home school her two girls this year so they would have more time to dance and less time to talk about boys in study hall.
Personally, I don’t really know enough about home schooling to make any judgements.
Speaking for myself, I know I’d miss the fish sticks and Salisbury Steak Day. Not to mention eating that paste that looked like cottage cheese. But I think I’ll just let people debate the subject over in one of those Gymboree chat rooms where they complain about expired grocery store coupons and defective overall snaps, because I really don’t want to get in the middle of this one.
Especially when my girl Jill was literally roaming Melissa’s kitchen in full fur and makeup at 7am. Seriously. Who does that? And did she at least bring donuts?
Jill had recently begun to wonder if Kendall‘s dance career could also benefit from less Reading, ‘Riting and ‘Rythmatic and more Relevé, Retiré and Rond de jambe and was doing some early morning research on the subject by backing Melissa up against the sink to get all the deets on home schooling.
1: Yes, I totally had to Wikipedia those dance terms. 2: How many fur vests does Jill own? She’s gotta be on a PETA Watch List or something by now. I totes heart Jill.
Since it’s impossible for anyone to focus on the intricacies of the Industrial Revolution and long division while two Moms are having a YakFest on the other side of the breakfast counter, the perky young teacher’s aid who was assisting the girls kicked both Melissa and Jill out of the house and sent them off to the mall for a few hours so M&M could wrap this up before the Pyramid of Shame.
And speaking of.
Kendall, Mackenzie, Brooke and Paige were on the bottom row this week. Kendall had come in Second Place at last week’s competition. Which was still the First Loser.
Anyone could do that math. Home schooled or not.
Brooke and Paige had some low kick and high posture issues. They’ve both been kinda phoning it in over the last few weeks, but only because Mom Kelly has been so uncharacteristically low key that I keep forgetting the Hylands are still on the show.
But don’t you worry. TMZ said the s***’s gonna get real this season. And TMZ never lies.
Second row was tag-teamed by Nia and Maddie. Which made Mom Holly proud. And happy. And exceptionally smiley.
Side note: Lifetime seriously needs to just replace those new Choreographer’s Cut fluff episodes with an hour of nothing but HollyFaces looping over and over like a screensaver.
If Disney isn’t using Holly’s Pennsylvania license photo in their animation department by now the world doesn’t even make sense anymore.
So that basically left Chloe for the top spot. I swear she grows an inch per week.
This time the ALDC gang was headed to the Masters of Dance Arts competition in Atlanta, Georgia. And if there is one thing we’ve learned from Bravo TV over the years, it’s that Atlanta knows how to throw a party.
And throw down at that party.
Especially during Open Call Auditions. I can already tell that we’re going to have to skim over some of the usual Pittsburgh Mama Drama to get to the good stuff this week.
Paige, Chloe and Kendall scored a 40′s Swing Band-ish Southern Belle trio, while Maddie would be performing a ballet routine. Just take your trophy and save your ankles.
But it was Mackenzie who won the lottery this week. She was entered in the Lip Sync Division.
I know, right? Shut. Up.
Who even knew there was such a thing? After 4 seasons they finally decide to tell us that there is a Lip Synch Division?
Seriously. My online registration and check would have been on their desk three years ago if I had known you could win a crown for lip synching. Bitch, pleez.
As mentioned earlier, the group routine was going to be an educational, inspirational, historical, phantasmagorical, Academy Award winning (…take a breath, Abby…) tribute to the Civil Rights Movement, with Nia taking the lead role. Which opened up a whole ‘nother can o’ worms again.
After all these years of fighting back against choreographical profiling (…did I just make that term up?…) Holly wasn’t sure what to think about the production when it was first revealed.
On one hand, the Civil Rights Movement was clearly one of the most important pivotal moments in US History and would not only give Nia a chance to prove she’s got the chops to be a star, but also solidify her spot on the ALDC Team.
But on the other hand, Holly really wasn’t in the mood for another afro wig-wearing Laquifa Whaaat? Death Drop on the resumé. Mother and Daughter have worked waaaay too hard on their new hair to take a step back. No thank you.
It should also be noted that during the Pyramid, Abby was attempting to rock one of Jill’s signature cold shoulder cut-out tops.
Now I’m not trying to be mean. I know they’re all the rage right now. Bob Mackie even said so on QVC last month when someone called in to rave about his stretch pants.
1: I only watch QVC for research. 2: Sorry. The cold shoulder cut-out only works in certain sizes. At some point in the manufacturing process it goes from being a trendy wardrobe necessity to looking like you were climbing around in the attic searching for a box of Christmas decorations and caught your sleeve on a nail.
Moving on.
As the kiddos all rehearsed various routines, the Moms hit the MomPerch and went a few rounds on the subjects of home schooling and favoritism. Same discussions as last week, just different outfits. Not sure where this Buy One Get One fur vest sale was taking place, but the Moms sure got their money’s worth this week.
At some point during the heated debate, Abby started shaking what her Mama gave her down in the studio and for some reason it reminded Jill of a time when they all went to lunch and Abby sneezed so hard that she got boogers in her hair. Really.
Don’t ask. And definitely don’t try that one at home, kids.
Then it was off to ATL for the Open Call Auditions. And for complete and utter chaos.
Melissa and Holly had accompanied Abby down to Atlanta earlier than the rest of the Moms in order to help out with logistics and to run the ALDC Pop Up Store, which turned out to just be a card table and a pile of ALDC tee shirts. Bummer.
What I thought would look like Madonna‘s souvenir booth at Madison Square Garden ended up being one of those church bazaar tables where the little old ladies always sit selling mittens and homemade rhubarb jam. I think I just got my hopes up too high.
As approximately 2.5 million kids wearing the biggest Flava Flav marathon number ID tags I’ve ever seen all stampeded the stage, Abby lost control of the room. It was hard to get an accurate head count since they were all moving so fast and I didn’t really want to risk freeze framing my DVR and then having to explain how the image of 100 little girls in tube tops got burned into my plasma screen.
So we’ll just go with 2.5 million, give or take.
Abby was cutting them from the competition almost as soon as the music started. Too slow. Too fast. Too complicated. Too crimped.
Oy. That poor girl with the crimped ’80s hair. You could tell Mom just kept trimming those brittle ends as they broke off until one day she ended up with a hairstyle that had a mind of its own. Just put it down and walk away from the crimper. Now.
Abby then cut one little noodle of a girl who nervously came back out of the shadows and asked for another chance. Remember when Cindy Lou Who asked the Grinch why he was stealing all the ornaments? It was like that.
As far as I could tell, most of the audience seemed to be from the same family. At least that’s how it appeared when Abby kicked one girl off the stage for changing her outfit in the middle of an audition. Because you don’t do that. Otherwise you won’t be known as the Girl in the Purple anymore.
Everyone was out of their seats. Screaming and yelling. Give her another chance! She can dance in her underwear! (…Wait. What?…) Her dance teacher made her change!
Let her dance! Let her dance!
Check the videotape, because I swear that Salt & Pepa jumped out of their seats and went after Abby right then. Or maybe it was the girls from TLC (…the group, not the network…) who charged the stage. I dunno. But it was madness. Awesome madness.
Melissa literally just sat there motionless dialing 911 under the table while Holly got so distracted she didn’t even notice two girls steal a tee shirt and refrigerator magnet.
I’ll bet you good money that the extended scenes in the DVD box set will show tasers and riot gear. Maybe even smoke canisters.
It really was The Jerry Springer Show.
There was so much confusion that I almost didn’t even notice another batch of former AUDC ringers in the mix. Shout out to that Mom who always tried to blame everything on being from Nebraska.
GO Huskers!!!
Honestly, after the auditions the competition almost didn’t matter.
Except for the group number. Which was amazeballs.
Nia destroyed the competition and made her Mom cry. Don’t forget that I told you awhile back this was going to be the International Year of the Nia. Because it is.
And you heard it here first.
Maddie did a Maddie job on her ballet, even though it’s not her thang.
Kenzie didn’t keep the microphone up by her mouth the whole time, which drove me crazy even though I’m sure it’s harder than it looks to dance and lip synch all at the same time.
Just ask Britney Spears.
Oh, snap.
And then it was over.
One more set of auditions in New York City to go before Abby finally figures out what’s up with her new and improved ALDC Team.
And it’s anybody’s guess.
Because No One Is Safe.
