Seriously. Aren’t you hot in all those layers? It’s like 100 degrees in this damn studio.
Really? That’s the best you got? My third season and we’re still goofing on Bump-Its and fur coats? Really?
Siri: Find me the quickest way outta this slum. These women are wound tighter than my face.
Slum? Imma ’bout to take off my shoes and show this chick the fastest route back to Vegas, baby.
Oh. My. Gawd. I would totally pay to see that go down.
It’s simple, really. We kill the Batman and we get a solo.
I’m seriously ’bout to cut somebody.
Why so serious, Dance Moms?
Something wasn’t right in Gotham City this week as a new super villain somehow gained access to the DanceCave, threatening to shake things up for our heroines and forever change the face of the ALDC.
That’s right. The Face of the Team was changing.
The Face of the New Mom? Not so much.
As the episode began inside the harshly lit halls of stately Miller Manor, what should have been a celebratory start to The International Year of the Nia quickly became yet another opportunity for Abby Lee Miller to threaten all her tiny sickle footed superheroes with elimination from the Team.
Except for the Ziegler Dynamic Duo, of course, who seem to have some kind of odd autoimmune deficiency that prevents them from safely absorbing oxygen outside the perimeter of the ALDC force field. They’re not going anywhere.
As all the tiny dancers bounced in for a new Pyramid of Shame, Abby was quick to point out that 2 out of 3 Open Call Auditions had already been completed and that very soon things could be changing around this joint. The Free Ride was over.
Some of the girls were still with the ALDC despite their Mom having walked out of multiple performances with a serious case of Potty Mouth. Closeup on Kelly.
Some of the girls were still with the ALDC despite their Mom having been suspended a hundred times and almost punching a cameraman or two. Closeup on Christi.
Some of the girls were…wait…hold on. Abby just left the room mid-sentence.
Pause.
And then she came back. With a New Girl! And a New Mom!
And what appeared to be a New Mom Face!
That’s right. Fresh from the Orlando audition, Chloe Nguyen and her Mom Kim busted into the studio, oozing a whole lot of Las Vegas charm and Restylane filler.
The Moms and kids who could actually move their faces threw some serious shade if you want to go back and check the tape, because there were a couple of really good screen saver moments if you’re into photoshopping that kind of thing.
Especially Original Recipe Chloe Lukasiak who got all Mean Girl In Study Hall as soon as she caught a glimpse of her namesake. Girlfriend was not amused.
Officially designated as “guests” of the ALDC, Kim and C2 were all excited to be there and couldn’t wait to accompany the gang to On Stage America in Voorhees, NJ this week.
After the Pyramid, of course.
Bottom row was full of Mackenzie, Paige, Kendall, Brooke and Brooke’s Unlimited Talk & Text Plan. Mackenzie and her pouty face selfie pic had gotten beat at last week’s dance competition, while Paige and Kendall were there primarily to get a rise out of their Moms. Brooke, on the other hand, didn’t even realize that she was on the bottom row until one of the other girls IM’d her with a Sad Face emoji.
Put. The. Phone. Down.
Sidenote: They didn’t show it on screen, but Kelly was squeezing one of those squishy physical therapy balls in her fist in anticipation of throwing a beat down on Abby in another week or two. You just stay tuned for that one, ‘kay?
The midsection of the Pyramid was reserved for C1 and Maddie. And the new girl.
Wait. What? She’s been on the show for 14 seconds and she’s already on the second row? How does that even happen?
If it’s that easy, I’m overnighting out my headshot to Pittsburgh this afternoon and expect to be on the top row next week. Abby always says that boys get higher points, right?
Top Dawg this week was Sasha Nia. Freakin’. Finally.
Mom Holly screamed louder than those girls did at the Justin Bieber court house. I may have done a victory lap or two around my living room. You’ll never know.
This week, despite the high ranking, Nia was only given a Pieces Together duet with Kendall. No solo. Mom was all like Whaaa–? Jill was all like Fur Coat and Whaaa—?
All the Chloes got solos. C1 vs. C2: Clash of the Chloes!
And then Melissa made a soon-to-be classic internet WTF face. Nobody swoops in and steals the Ziegler spotlight. Nobody.
As the girls all began spending way too much time trying to teach C2 how to dance like she’s part of a Team, the Moms all hit the MomPerch to grill Kim and make fun of her face.
Turns out that Kim worked at one of those Med Spa clinics where people come out looking like they’re wearing tight ponytails even when they’re not. She also made it sound like she had licensed plastic surgeons on pretty much every branch of her family tree, which explained the Heath Ledger smile that kind of went more sideways than up at the corners every time she smirked about dance turns and laughing gas grenades.
Rejuvenation…and a Gotham City heist? Muuuahahahaha!
The next day Kim took a page from The Book of Jill and came to the ALDC bearing gifts for Abby, who was pretty darn excited to receive a shiny new turbo-charged skin brightening face buffer contraption. You could tell she couldn’t wait to get home and rotary sand down a few of those beach freckles.
Warning: If you’re catching the episode on your DVR, you may want to turn down the volume at this point because the sound of ButtKiss at the front desk was deafening.
It should also be noted that it was Super Hero Knee High Black Boot Day in the MomPerch. I guess you never know when you’re gonna need to scoot out and fight some crime between routines. Right ladies?
Hopefully the Moms take on the Bad Guys better than the girls took on the 1930s rehearsals. C2 was having a rough time fitting in with the Team and it was taking time away from the duet. The Why Not Me French Cabaret number was trés sloppé.
(I don’t think that’s really a word.)
Concerned that the duet was going to get lost in all the distraction, Holly, Jill and Jill’s feather trimmed fur coat/wrap thingamabob all headed down to the studio for a confrontation, which went about as well as you would expect an Abby Confrontation to go.
Not well.
And for some reason it ended up with Holly and Jill doing the same Shuffle Off To Buffalo exit stage left dance that I swear I saw Lucy & Ethel do one time down at the Copacabana when Ricky wasn’t looking.
Lawd. Those two have some ‘splainin’ to do after that one.
Sidenote: I don’t know what was going on with Jill’s bangs by the end of that night. If the coat is making you sweat that much, it’s ok to take it off, honey. Really. We’ll understand.
The next day, with only 24 hours left before the trip to Jersey, all the Moms were back up in the Perch where Kim put her white cellphone on speaker like some Real Housewife of Atlanta and started yakking it up with the owner of her former studio.
Annoying, much?
Las Vegas Jeremy started right in on Flabby Miller and her second rate dancers while Kim bragged that C2 was dancing rings around the other girls.
Memo to Kim: 1. Wandering aimlessly in a circle is not really dancing rings around the other girls. And 2: Unless you’re NeNe Leakes driving around ATL in a Mercedes, put the damn phone up to your tight head. Not interested.
Shout out to all the other Moms though, who proved that having pliable foreheads actually makes for some HIGHlarious reaction shots.
And what was up with that ginormous pile of bras and lady dainties behind Abby’s head in the studio? Do they not even have a housekeeper on the payroll anymore?
After Jeremy finally hung up, Abby spent the next 17 minutes creating a duet for Nia and Kendall. Not 18. Which made Jill and Holly mad enough to corner Abby at the front desk when it was over and ask her for the real 411 on what was going down in that studio this week.
I’m not really sure what they talked about because there was so much pink going on at that front desk I couldn’t focus. Did you notice?
That whole side wall that was all spray paint and logos and Hello Kitty bows? Plus all the pink clutter behind the desk? That much hot pink never used to be there back in the days when Jill was dropping off Elizabeth Arden gift sets and park benches. Am I right? Yikes.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And time for all those screaming One Direction groupies with iPhones and retainers that I love so much. Nothing really beats a good ALDC bus arrival scene. Nothing.
Before they even unpacked the bronzer, you could cut the tension with a knife. The last time the ALDC had been in Voorhees, Chloe lost her hat and Christi lost her marbles. And that poor camera guy almost lost an eye. (…“Get Away From Me!”…)
Bad memories.
So this time around, everyone was sewing in headgear like they were all going up against gravity in the Space Shuttle. Except for Kim, of course, who didn’t appear to know what she was doing. It was just hard to tell for certain since her confused face looked a lot like her happy face. And her angry face. You see where this is going…
It would be so easy to make a joke right now about how if ANYone in that room should know about needles it should be C2′s Mom…but the other Moms kind of stole my thunder on that one. Plus I think we can all agree that we’re probably maxxed out on facial rejuvenation jokes at this point.
So Melissa came to Kim’s rescue with her multi-purpose fishing lure/sewing kit container and showed our helpless housewife how to securely attach sparkly things to human flesh.
It’s not rocket science, people.
While the two of them were sharing that Martha Stewart Moment, Holly was having her own drama with Nia’s one shouldered costume. Poor thing. Kid’s only got two shoulders and she picked the wrong one for the strap.
I swear, sometimes this show just stresses me out.
While we’re on the subject…it would probably also behoove the people in charge of backdrops to track down whoever gang tagged Abby’s pink wall and have them spray up a new tarp for the show. What was that?
The duet was pretty fly for 17 minutes of rehearsal. Nia can go all Beyoncé in her sleep, so I wasn’t worried. Remember what year this is…
C1′s Seeing Red solo was all about…well…seeing red. You don’t really need a NASA degree to figure out Abby’s thought process. It was pretty dramatic and ended with Chloe smearing lipstick all over her face like an insane asylum escapee. Or Lindsay Lohan on a Friday night. Whatever.
At first I thought the stress had given the poor thing a nosebleed. But false alarm…just Revlon.
C2 was up next and managed to make it through most of her first ALDC dance before her headpiece popped off. Luckily the drama of the moment was overshadowed by whoever that guy was who ran out on stage in his relaxed fit denim and scooped up the bow like he wanted it for the weekend.
I’m not judging. But whoa. Dude. Relax. We all want to feel pretty, but do you even work for On Stage America? Go back to your seat.
Backstage, the whole thing turned into Hatgate 2014 as Kim immediately accused Melissa of sabotaging her kid’s head while Holly Googled ‘Conspiracy Theory’ to prove that losing a hair bow is…well…not one.
Finally, the group number hit the stage and ended up scoring First Place. The only routine that did. So Abby was not happy by the time the awards ceremony was finished.
Blah. Blah.
All that really mattered was that Kim finished up the road trip by stating she wasn’t sure she even wanted to be part of this hot mess now that she’s seen what it’s like slumming with these wannabes in Pittsburgh.
Slumming. In. Pittsburgh. Where these women all live.
Boom.
Jill’s eyeballs bugged out. Melissa did that turtle head pull-back into the shell thing she always does when she gets all WhaWhaWha—? Kelly looked like she usually does and then Holly got all OhHellNoSheDin’t.
Three strikes? You out, Bitch.
And then it was over.
Next week is the third and final Open Call Audition.
Or the AUDC: Where Are They Now? Oprah Special as I like to call it.
Yup. The Face of the Team is changing.
Not scrunching or wrinkling. Or even moving.
But it’s changing. And soon.
See you in New York.
