Really? Last week it was the stripes, and now this chick with the big earrings just happens to show up wearing Bob Mackie blue? I totally called it last night.
I like a cocktail as much as the next girl, but when I start seeing Kendall’s Mom doing a dirty cowgirl dance in pleather leggings…call me a cab.
Lawd, that was some good takeout last night. We need to wrap this thing up…Mama’s got a purse full of leftovers.
OhNoTheyDin’t. I’m about to go full out Beyoncé on your a** if someone doesn’t wash these damn freckles off my face.
Oh, yeah. That’s what I’m talking about, Girlfriend. Mama likes.
I swear to Gawd. If any of these hens gave me crow’s feet this season, Imma gon’ hurt somebody.
Thanks so much for having us. We’ll both be going home now to light a candle and pray for all you crazy bitches. Peace out.
Are you kidding me?
Shut the front door.
And do it quickly, before all the horses get out.
Dance Moms just went Country Bumpkin on us.
This week, the long and winding Road to Nationals took a left turn through the corn fields of Pittsburgh and somehow led everyone straight into the barn for their first ever Salute to Honey Boo Boo group routine.
And can we all agree that drama ain’t just for city folks anymore?
Fresh off their victorious Las Vegas competition, Abby Lee Miller and her team were back home and one week closer to Nationals. Which meant that it was Go Time.
As all the Moms and girls filed in to receive their Pyramid of Shame beat down, everyone knew that the intensity would be ramped up a notch or ten as they prepared for this week’s upcoming Regional competition.
And as anyone who watches Glee knows, Regionals are like the dress rehearsal for Nationals or something, because Lea Michele always starts freaking out as soon as you mention the “R” word.
I mean Freaking. Period. Out. Period.
All the little dancers seemed slightly jet lagged as they strolled in and struck that sassy one hip-pop pose they like to werk during Pyramid. I’m thinking that they had probably just barely made it in from the airport on time since all the kids looked kind of sleepy and Kristie Ray was still wearing the same dress she wore on stage with Celine Dion.
Seriously. I swear it was on the Caesar’s Palace marquee.
Love. Her.
My girl Kristie, I mean. Not Celine. She can go back to Canada if she wants.
JLo was all trendy leg in the front, party in the back mullet dress and trying not to smile as fashionista wannabe Jill just ground her back teeth together trying to figure out where the F*** Kristie keeps finding all these cool clothes.
Bottom row of the Pyramid was plastered with Mackenzie, Paige, Brooke and Nia.
MackaYakka had completely forgotten to join the team last week, so she was on the bottom by default. Paige had gone into that scary asthmatic seizure right before her solo and then completely lost her noodle on stage, so even the worst Vegas psychic could have probably predicted her spot this time around.
Abby claimed that Brooke’s upside down Miley Cyrus split had not properly shown off her assets which, as a grown man who has “Brooke Hyland” in his hard drive Google history, made me slightly uncomfortable. And Laquifa Nia was stuck in the basement because her hat got her all disoriented or something.
Abby pointed out that one time when she was in a show back in the Stone Age, some dude actually lost his hand during a wood chipper-themed tap routine and the show went on despite his less than impressive five fingered jazz hand finale. So getting freaked out by a slightly askew chapeau shouldn’t have been big dramzz, honey.
Deal with it, and then fake out your opponent by pretending your dance was so dope you just won Bieber tickets.
Clearly, Nia is Holly‘s daughter as she unleashed one of her own patented SoOverIt faces before Mom chimed in with the first of this week’s many scrunchy nosed GirlPleez faces. I got a Doctorate, Beeotch.
Thousands of years from now, historians will realize that hats and the ALDC were just not a good mix from Day One. And that Holly may have been the only sane one.
The middle of the pack was nothing but Kendall, Chloe and Maddie.
Kendall had watched other dancers and spooked herself out like a race horse stepping on a mouse before the gun went off. Chloe was just flying under the radar, and it was fun to watch Mom Christi get her granny panties all bunched up. And according to the rules, Maddie had to be in the middle so Asia could be Numero Uno.
Miss OhHeyMonetRay is undefeated, haters. Snap.
This week they were headed to Buffalo, NY for another In10sity Dance Competition.
And it was on.
MackCrak scored a “Reach for the Stars” solo. Maddie and Kendall would be doing a sparkly “Bodies Electric” duet (…FAME flashback for all you old folks…) while Chloe and Asia’s duet had the potential to emotionally scar any young child who collects those American Girl dolls from Zombies “R” Us.
Oh. And Dance Spirit Magazine was going to be doing a glossy “Day In The Life of Maddie Ziegler” story, so everyone get ready to photobomb any shot of Maddie brushing her teeth or eating Goldfish crackers that you can bully your way into.
That’s right. Mighty Morphin Pimp Moms: Activate!
Christi pretended to be shocked that a national magazine would choose Maddie for their story and unleashed complaint #1 for the week. Don’t you worry. More to come.
The next day, Dance Spirit’s Rachel and Nate Powers (…the world’s only photographer with a comic book superhero name…) showed up at Melissa’s house to start stalking Maddie while she was trying to get those damn rubber bands to stay in her mouth.
And speaking of stalking. Could that be Jill at the front door?
Under the premise of “picking up Kendall’s dance bag,” Jill showed up unannounced, armed with nothing but exposed cleavage and a rather sturdy copy of Kendall’s previous Dance Track cover shoot spray glued onto foam core.
And a maxxed out 64 gigs of iPad head shots, of course.
Really, Jill?
Lucky for Jill, Melissa was already having enough issues with her hair and the new Keurig that morning and couldn’t be bothered with the Vertes Circus coming to town.
Plus, hauling off and wrecking somebody’s Bump-It in front of a guy holding a Canon EOS Rebel T3i probably wouldn’t be in Maddie’s best interest. So Melissa just sighed, rolled her eyes and let Jill showboat for a few minutes before sending her out the back door with an empty dance bag.
Back at the ALDC, rehearsals were going full steam ahead. Sorta.
Abby felt that Kendall could potentially sabotage Maddie’s reputation if she didn’t pull it together. She even called Jill down from the MomPerch to poke her in the eyes a few times. Then they screamed at each other for a few minutes like they do every week.
Give her a chance, Abby. Give my kid a chance. Let the kid dance!
Whatever. All I want to know is what is behind those pieces of black construction paper that are always stapled to the wall? What secrets is Abby hiding from the rest of us?
With one day left before they shuffled off to Buffalo, Abby called all the Moms back down to the studio and made them watch everyone run the group routine two at a time.
Because I guess they couldn’t see it clearly enough from an actual glass encased viewing booth above the dance floor, right?
I stopped trying to understand Abby about half way through Season One, if we’re really being honest. It was too exhausting.
Back up in the Perch after viewing things from below the Perch, the Moms all dished on Asia and Chloe’s odd Devil Doll dance and how toys coming to life and eating your face off may not sit well with some of the more squeamish judges.
JLo tried to wrap her head around the concept of the macabre routine, but eventually just gave up and looked for another low cal granola bar.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And another hysterically screaming hallway full of hair bowed, dancing greeter girls who jumped up and down and waved their iPhone cameras like the One Direction boys had just splash landed on Earth looking for females of the species willing to have their alien babies and then post it to Instagram.
Abby loves that shiz, you can tell.
MackAttack’s solo was on fiyah. Abby even noted that Asia was the best thing that ever happened to Kenzie since the kid now felt compelled to do more on stage than just nail backflips and swallow her gum.
Newsflash, lady. Not even close. Asia is the best thing to happen to network television since they cancelled Knots Landing.
There. I said it. I’m not proud, but I said it. I miss Donna Mills and her shoulder pads. And now the world knows.
Chloe and Asia’s Beelzebub Barbie dance was straight up Mattel Macabre.
If you go to sleep tonight and your new Potty Polly booty pops her way out of the toy chest and sucks all the blood from that juicy artery in your neck, don’t say Asia didn’t warn you.
On the other hand, Maddie and Kendall’s duet was much less gore and way more glitz as they mirrored each other’s moves in complimentary Studio 54 leotards, all while that creepy Asia doll watched from the wings.
I can see you. And I’m hungry.
Yeeesh.
The best part of the duet was that strut walk thing they always do when the leave the stage. Three seasons later and I have yet to master that exit when I leave a business meeting at the office. But trust me, it’s not for lack of trying, girl.
Thanks for the PowerPoint, boys. Boom Boom Pow.
Side note: I’m sure it was just a water bottle, but did anyone else see Christi sneak a nip from under the chair during that duet? What?
Backstage, Melissa got some kind of something from Dance Spirit Magazine on her cell that she rubbed in everyone’s faces. Since I have a borderline OCD thing about people touching the screen of my iPhone, I was actually more disturbed by everyone’s sticky fingers getting so close to the device than I was the fact that Melissa was just blatantly being a bitch and rubbing salt in the wound.
Yeah. It’s Maddie. She’s awesome. We get it. Now somebody find me an alcohol wipe before my throat closes up.
If one of the things on your Bucket List was to see Jill Vertes put on a cowboy hat and pleather leggings and then MomDance herself into the Television Hall of Fame, then this was definitely your lucky day. You just won the lottery.
Because that totally happened. And much like the now infamous Gangnam Style Grind, the Cowgirl Jill Jive can not be unseen.
What I gathered from the whole extravaganza was that not only has Jill had that ratty old straw hat in her Louis bag for over two years, but Mama likes to drop it like it’s kinda lukewarm.
To quote my other girl Holly: Lawd. Just. Lawd.
Luckily for Mackadoodle, most of America was probably so traumatized by Cowgirl Jill that they probably didn’t even notice the poor little nugget take a complete face plant during her 48 count handstand walkover in the “Country Cutie” group routine.
Little MackWhack was supposed to waddle over all the other girls for the big finale, but slipped on somebody’s hair and then, well….MackSplat. You try walking on your hands for the entire first verse of Old McDonald and then let me know how that all works out for you, ok?
Cut her some slack. She was tired. She practiced too much.
That, and the fact that the Devil Doll was looking straight up at all that blood pounding in her upside down face like it was time for recess snacks.
Then some kids won some stuff.
Maddie and Kendall scored #1. Asia and Chloe scored #2. Which was not #1.
In one final classic Jill Moment, Mrs. Vertes leaned over to JLo and Christi and whispered that, based on the competition…for you guys, second is really good.
Oh. Hell. No. I know she’s not sitting there in two-sizes too-small pleather dissing my baby girl. Let’s Go! Outside. Right now.
A screenshot of JLo’s reaction is now my inspiration whenever someone says something bat s*** stupid to my face and I can’t hit them because my hands are full.
And finally, just because nobody else will probably say it: Christi…please don’t put the mic pack on the side of your dress. Just don’t.
Thick Girl Trick #462.
Next week. Nationals.
OMG. Lea and I are totally freaking out already.
Y’all come back now, ok?
Buh bye.
