This is the same face I make when I hate something or eat a good juicy burger.
Where you at, Bitch? Hit me up on my Sidekick after recess, mmmkay?
I’m not just yo’ Momma. I’m Jenny From The Knock Your Block Off.
Couple more years, honey. Then it can be booze and all your Momma problems will disappear.
Sorry. House Rules. New skinny bitches have to stand. Bummer, huh?
The air quality around here has barely recovered from all the dust and diesel kicked up by Abby Lee Miller’s tire squealing exit off into the sunset on this week’s Dance Moms.
And now there’s another one already?
The Gods of Reality must have heard my prayers.
Slap on your spf 30 and get ready for Dance Moms: Miami, because the Sunshine State is about to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Pittsburgh is definitely not the home base for All Things Crazy.
That’s right. Miami has a few crazies of its own. The exact number has yet to be determined, but it’s pretty clear from just the opening credits that at least 5 of them carpool kids to Stars Dance Studio.
Stars, at least according to Stars, is the hot spot for The Dance in Miami.
In Dr. Seuss terminology, Stars Dance Studio is owned by Fierce 1 and Fierce 2.
In Miami, the rabid, loud and abrasive pit bull that was Abby Lee Miller has been replaced by two of those sissy dogs that everyone carries in their Louis bag.
Meet Victor Smalley and Angel Armas.
Snap. Actually, two of them. Maybe three. And then a big circle.
Gone is the raspy, second hand smoke screeching of Ms. Miller. These boys have chosen Fierceness over Aggression, and Scarves over XXXL Black Tunics.
I’m talking lots of scarves. I mean LOTS of scarves. I used capital letters.
It’s been well documented throughout two seasons of Dance Moms that I do not know everything about The Dance. I own that one. But I never realized how little I knew about scarves.
Who knew that there were so many ways to dramatically wear a scarf? Or flip a scarf? Or dance in a scarf? Or make an entrance in a scarf? Or stand still and toss shade in a scarf? Or buy groceries in a scarf? Or shop for more scarves in a scarf?
Seriously. If one of these two boys is not sucked into a jet engine turbine or hung in an elevator door before the first season is over, I will swear off Reality TV forever.
Angel is the pudgier of the two. You know how all cartoon shows always seem to have one pudgy puppy, one skinny one? Or a cat or chipmunk…or whatev? You know what I mean.
Victor is probably a little more recognizable to the mass audience since he was a former contestant on So You Think You Can Dance?
SYTYCD for those of you who don’t read books anymore. That’s how the cool kids say it.
Victor worked with choreographer Mia Michaels on that show, and his bio claims that she changed his life.
I have not doubt she left an impression, but I’m betting Mia only came in a close second to that Aussie Freeze hair gel they sell at CVS, because if you and Victor ever both fell in a well and couldn’t get out, you could totally climb up his hair and go get Lassie to call for help. For realz.
Check it out. His doo and eyebrows are always going in a different direction in every scene. Do not adjust your set.
Since this was the first episode, it was more of a Meet & Greet, which was fine by me. I love meeting new whack jobs.
It was kind of like Project Runway: All Stars in leotards as each family arrived separately and everyone else got all squeally every time the doors opened. Except for when the newbies walked inside.
Like any good Dance Moms spin-off…the party doesn’t start until the Pyramid of Shame.
Except the Fierce Brothers don’t do Pyramids. That’s so played out.
They just go for the food chain approach. Five spots. The bottom sucks and gets eaten alive. The top survives, and probably gets a solo.
Once all the kids and their free rides…I mean, Moms…get to the studio, “The List” begins.
At the bottom was Hannah. Poor Hannah. Her notes from Victor were that she needed to improve her technique and do more private work. That kind of terminology is right up there with “Oh, but you have such a great personality” when you first meet someone and notice how tight their leotard is around the tummy.
No one else will say it, so I will. She’s cute, but she needs to watch what she eats.
Simmer down, cowboys. Before you spam my inbox with hate mail…I always support any kid doing anything, and props to her for following her dream. But dance is dance. And it’s a cruel world out there. I watched Fame.
And there’s no way that little Lucas is gonna be able to lift all that up over his head in a Mia Michaels number.
Hannah’s Mom Debi was the first drinking game of the season. Shots every time she rolls her eyes. She even implied the above when she mentioned that Hannah was not born with all that natural flexibility that the other kids are born with, but she works hard.
And she has a great personality I’m sure.
Hannah also got called out for a messy hair bun, and got no solo. Not a good first week for the Underdog. But I’m keeping the faith.
Debi had a little snit with Angel about Hannah being overlooked, but he just tugged his scarf and sent her on her way.
And speaking of those over head lifts…Lucas was next. Gotta support the Bro’s. He is a hoot.
Probably 73 pounds if that, and most likely 65 of it is all head, Lucas is a charmer. He is the Ladies Man of the group, with his HowYouDoin’? attitude and flipped up leather jacket collar.
Already it was clear that Lucas’s claim to fame is that one leg in the air straight up move, whatever that is called. (Yes, I’m well aware I could pause and Google it. Thank you.)
Victor wants him to work on more than just flexibility tricks, and then in a soon to be classic SayWha-? catch phrase, Victor tells the little guy that the Stage is not a Runway.
It was only 12 minutes into the show, and everything including the walk from the toilet to the sink was a Runway for Victor.
Girl. Pleez. Scarf flip.
Lucas’s Mom Brigette seemed pretty normal. She better ramp it up if she wants to trend on Twitter.
Rising up one notch to #3 was Kimmy, because she can’t remember choreography.
Again. I’m not a dancer, but I think that is one of the first things they ask you when you audition for Cats.
Kimmy is a tiny thing, with a sorta lisp to her speech which I found very endearing. She dances because she loves to dance and doesn’t care that much about winning. Mom Ani plans on getting that crazy notion out of her head, asap.
The first WTF?!? Moment of the season came when the #2 slot was revealed. It was brand newbie Sammy.
Sammy. Shut the front door. And shut Debi’s mouth while you’re at it, please.
Sammy and Mom Abby had been in the building a whopping 20 minutes and she was already runner-up. They are brand new to Stars, and the other Moms weren’t feeling it.
Sammy and Hannah had both danced at another studio back in the day, so Debi already knew Abby. Another eye roll or two happened somewhere around this point in time.
Abby is a stay at home Mom, which means she gets to self tan and do pilates. I think we know how that one played out.
She didn’t even get a stool during “The List.” I’m pretty sure I saw Debi fling it out the back door by the dumpster before they started.
Finally, it was Jessi at the top.
Since I already (allegedly) implied that one kid was too fat, I guess I might as well say that Jessi’s Mom Susan scares me.
She has an edge that you do not want to mess with under any circumstances. That was clear from the first second she walked into the studio. She’s that Mom at the PTA who doesn’t return the Tupperware, but no one dares ask her for it back. Just let her have it, or she’ll cut you.
Susan pushes her daughter more than any of the other Moms, and it’s already stressing Jessi out to the point where I bet she talks smack about her Mom on Facebook.
Her Grandmother Bertha was some big shot dancer in Colombia, and is already my favorite character in the show. (Don’t worry, Big Ang….you’re Grand Master Reality TV Icon status is still safe…but Bertha’s fur and leopard print kitchen floor Flamingo demonstration did make me smile. Wepa!)
And it’s pronounced Colohhhhhmbia. Why do you cry, Suzaaaaanne? Love. Her.
As the kids headed into rehearsal mode for a few days, the Moms got to chill out in the Miami Mom Perch. But unlike the second story medical viewing booth that Abby Lee Miller had installed back in Pittsburgh, these Moms just went through a door into the next room behind what I thought was a police station one way mirror until I saw them through the glass.
I guess Miami doesn’t do stairs…you know…what with all the walkers, scooters and wheelchairs and all…
While Lucas was dropping Kimmy on her head in the rehearsal space, Susan felt that Jessi needed more practice. I guess that having a crazy Grandmother dance in the kitchen makes you a certified choreographer, because Susan began bullying Jessi off the couch to practice in the lobby, uttering the instant classic “Did I Stutter?” when Jessi just laid there like a Hooters girl after a weekend convention.
The competition this week was Hollywood Vibe, right in their own backyard of downtown Miami. That being said, it was a bit of a head scratcher as to why they had to book a Greyhound to go across the street, but Lifetime probably got a cut rate discount if you reserve that monster for the whole season. When Victor sends the housekeepers to Target on that bus to pick up cleaning supplies then I’ll know that something is up.
The trophy for Most Dramatic Drama Queen With A Cold Award goes to Victor. He was sick with either allergies, Polio or the Black Plague. It was hard to tell.
After laying in the lobby like a Southern Belle with the vapors, he tossed a few cookies and managed to wobble on to the bus with the assistance of every Mom and one random passerby who wanted to be on camera.
After a 4 minute bus ride (…Al Gore says thanks for that whole Think Green thing…) it’s competition time.
Wrapped in a purple blanket and curled up in the corner of the make up room like a fierce bitch fetus, Victor played dead while all the Moms decided if he should go to the hospital.
After he went blind and saw Jesus, Angel rolled him out on a wheelchair and sent him to the hospital.
If you’re one of those people who have been waiting for over 9 months to get in to see your doctor just for ointment, then you are not going to be too happy to find out that Victor not only got in immediately to see someone…but he got cured, came back and only missed one dance number.
And somehow the purple blanket was also miraculously turned into a flowing cape like the Lion wore in the Wizard of Oz.
Not a Runway my a**, dude.
The group jazz number won, and Lucas was front and center getting all Stretch Armstrong with the ladies.
He also didn’t paralyze Kimmy, so they won first place with their baby tango.
Jessi was too stressed out to take first place in her solo. Not enough strength or focus.
But she did somehow manage to find the energy to yank the award plaque right out of poor Hannah’s hands on stage. Greedy bitch.
You totally know she learned that move from Mom at the Country Buffet on last call.
They played slow motion dramatic music when Jessi made the grab, so you knew it was gonna get good backstage after the show.
And it did, with lots of angry, screaming Mom on Mom action.
Debi and Angel even did a CSI: Miami crime reenactment for Susan so she could relive, one more time, just how rude her kid was on stage.
Then everyone flipped out.
Initially all aimed at Susan, it spread faster than Victor’s deadly virus.
Now we’re talking.
It’s on, Miami.