Isn’t it about time that freakin’ Lux Music Video started paying off?
First Flintstone joke gets a piece of my Doctorate up their butt. True dat.
Save a horse. Ride a Dance Mom.
Count ‘em. There’s only one Sheriff in this town, Missy.
Forget The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
If you really want to see something scary, send the Dance Moms down yonder to The Lone Star State.
Then we can talk about terrifying scenes filled with screams, tears and danger around every corner. Scenes so scary you almost want to cover your eyes until they go away.
And some sequins, of course. Really sparkly ones. So you might want to cover your eyes for that part, too.
Abby Lee Miller corralled up all her little doggies this week and headed down to Texas for a last minute competition, and as always they packed way too much makeup, glitter and drama for such a short trip.
But before they hit the wagon trail to Texas, Moms and daughters alike had to sit through another unveiling of the now infamous No Matter How Hard You Try You’re Not Maddie Pyramid of Shame.
I’m starting to think that even Abby is getting a little bored with this shtick, because she whipped through it so quickly that I was afraid someone was going to get a paper cut the way those cover sheets were flying around.
Newbie Kendall was again at the bottom of the pig pile. Apparently it’s important for all the girls to learn some life lessons as they work toward their dream of being dancers, and Abby is more than happy to use a few glossy 8×10 head shots to drive the point home.
Lesson #1 is don’t let your Mom piss off Abby or you’ll be at the bottom until you’re too old to dance anymore.
Newbie Real Housewife of Pittsburgh Jill, along with her seemingly endless supply of furry Rachael Zoe vests and Home Shopping Network hairdo, had once again pushed Abby’s buttons to the point where the only option besides sticking Kendall at the bottom was bitch slapping her mother in front of all the kids and risking a law suit that would totally mess up hopes for a third season.
So to be on the safe side, Kendall is still sitting at the bottom and you can go ahead and set your DVR for Series Record through 2013.
Jill had recently gotten her Snookie poof and feathered Chico blouse all up in Abby’s face and now Kendall is paying the price.
Little Diva-In-Training Nia was also at the bottom, mainly because Abby wanted her to have more energy when she performs. Personally I think Abby is still holding a grudge because Mom Holly won’t let Nia dress up as the maid from Gone With The Wind at every competition. Abby refuses to let that whole “ethnic” thing go no matter how many times Holly smacks her in the nose with her rolled up Doctorate.
Let it go, Abby.
How about you just teach Nia how to be a great dancer first, and then we can work on the whole Showtime at the Apollo thing at a later date?
Brooke and Paige were also at the bottom, because that was easier than poking their Mom Kelly in the eye with a stick.
Maddie and her Legoland teeth were hanging out at the second row, even though she is ridiculously talented. Abby just wants more. More. More. And then some more after that.
Chloe was also chilling on the second tier even though she won some stuff last time and still gets Facebooked about the Lux Music Video.
And for the very first time, on the very top row was little nugget Mackenzie and her mouthful of missing teeth.
She is a patootie. Mack is still in that big head, big foot Labradoodle puppy stage and all she does is smile. I seriously want to shove a candle in her mouth and use her year round as my jack-o-lantern she is so cute, but I know sooner or later her teeth will probably grow back in and then Child Services will get on me for the whole candle in the mouth thing. But she’s so cute I can’t stand it anymore.
The twist this time around, since there always has to be a twist, there were no group numbers. None. Nada. Everyone gets a solo, Oprah Style.
You get a solo! You get a solo! You get a solo! Everyone gets a solo!
And then a spaz attack.
The second twist was that the Moms had to make the costumes for the girls.
You heard me. Since all the Moms ever seem to do is complain about costumes, Abby decided it was time to sew up or shut up. The costumes had to be done at home and couldn’t be recycled, reused or anything anyone had ever worn or seen before, so you know that as soon as the Moms all went upstairs to the Mom Perch there would be some discussion on this one.
Holly doesn’t sew and pointed out, as she does every hour on the hour, that she has a job out in the Real World. Jill gets all up in her grill about that one again for a minute, and then announced that she will use one of the hundreds of costumes she has stashed at home.
Basically, setting yet another good example for her daughter and showing her how to cheat on homework.
While the Moms were trying to figure out how to get their Bob Mackie groove on, we journeyed back to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair better known as Candy Apple’s.
That’s right. She’s baaaaack.
Again.
Dancing Villainess Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and her League of Soccer Moms Gone Bad are back home still licking their wounds from their most recent loss to Team Abby Lee at whatever that last dance thing was called. (Seriously, there are so many of them. I don’t have time to make a spreadsheet to track this stuff, so please bear with me.)
Surrounded by her Apple Dumpling Dancers she revved up the MacBook Pro HD Power Point Pyramid widescreen and let the gang know that they too would be holding auditions for another dancer. Just like Abby did.
But Abby didn’t have the bad a** red haired Mom as a judge now, did she?
I have absolutely no clue who she is, but I love that Mom. She could totally smash a bottle over some dude’s head in a bar if he tried to cop a feel. I just know it.
As the open auditions began, in sashayed Peyton who was just booted from Abby’s troupe a few weeks ago.
Dat’s rite. That Peyton.
The Peyton with the crazy Mom Leslie.
Hyper Meltdown “Find her a spot!” Leslie. That one.
Now aside from the fact that Peyton was booted because she couldn’t dance, she is also 8 feet tall and entered Cathy’s studio like Will Ferrell in that Elf movie, towering over all the other dancers with her mopey Addams Family disposition.
If you’ve never seen the Elf movie, then imagine a family of orangutans who adopt an orphaned giraffe and try to make it blend in as they cross the jungle.
It was like that. But in a leotard.
Granted I’m not that great at geography, and in all honesty a good chunk of what I learned in my youth came from The Bullwinkle Show’s Mr. Peabody & Sherman criss crossing the globe in their time machine, but I’m pretty sure that Ohio is not in Pennsylvania. So right away I knew that Leslie and Peyton must have had a long drive, which explained their bad attitudes.
Stopping at every Walmart between Pittsburgh and Canton wears a girl out.
Now even if Peyton had run around the room with scissors, you know that Cathy would want her on the team just to stick it to Abby, so it was no surprise that she got picked.
The surprise came when Peyton turned it down after all that because of the long drive and how much she missed her friends. Then it was back to no surprise again when Cathy thanked them for wasting her time, which catapulted Leslie into yet another Jerry Springer Moment.
You know Leslie probably would have flung a chair across the room if she hadn’t been holding so many Walmart bags. Looks like it was a profitable road trip after all.
Back in Pittsburgh, which is either right next to Ohio or maybe not, Abby got a call that changed their lives forever. Or at least that is how she reacted.
Turned out that all their hard Oprah solo practicing was for a competition in beautiful downtown Secaucus, New Jersey that just got cancelled due to lack of interest.
(Insert your own snarky commentary on that one right here _________.)
After reacting like she had just seen the Shuttle go down, Abby called and Googled her way into the M.A. Dance Competition in Clute, Texas.
I already forgot what the M.A. stood for, but I think it was The Dance Competition That Can’t Afford To Rent Real Venues So We Do Our Stuff In A High School Gym Sumthin Sumthin M.A.
Or whatever. It doesn’t really matter.
All that matters is the competition was held in a basketball court. Home of the Buccaneers. And Jill wore a cowboy hat.
And both the gym and the hat were pretty cheap.
Don’t you hate those touristy types who always feel the need to dress in the native costume of the land, as if that will somehow magically make them fit in at whatever location they are visiting? Like those people who power walk in spandex down in Boca Raton, or wear cowboy hats in Texas. We should all be thankful that they never made it to Jersey, or Girlfriend would have bumped up her Snookie and gone topless.
Luckily for those of us watching in HD, she only bought a hat.
From here on out, it was all just screaming and dancing on Center Court.
Jill had brought a glitzy Toddlers & Tiaras Outfit of Choice kinda thing for Kendall to wear instead of doing her homework like she was supposed to do, which made Abby flip out and in turn made Jill flip out which made all the other Moms flip out…Texas Mob Wives style.
Yup. The only thing Bigger in Texas this week was the volume.
Shaddup, pardner. You’re gonna wake the horses.
Jill refused to put her daughter in a piece of s*** costume, screamed that no one wanted her in the group and threw a shoe like she was trying to knock down bottles behind the Saloon Bar.
She pulled Kendall from the competition, made her cry, had a few dramatic Glee moments by the lockers and then allowed her to dance again in some underwear that Melissa found in her purse.
That is correct. During all the drama, they actually found time for a few dances.
Brooke and Paige were good. Paige actually won for a change.
Chloe did great, and I swear she grows 6 inches every week. Everything except the space between her eyes seems bigger every time she’s on stage. I hope she keeps those Beanie Baby eyeballs when she grows up.
Nia had a panic attack, but Mom didn’t learn to sew for nothing, so she made her go on anyway.
Maddie slipped on the shiny gym floor, probably on some soda that was left over from the Homecoming Game, and had to be carried off by the Sound Guy like the last scene in An Officer & A Gentleman.
After the school nurse decided Maddie was going to live, Abby hoisted her back up like a prehistoric drumstick and shlepped her to the makeup/pep squad/PTA room to hang with the girls.
There was a lot of running in the halls, which wasn’t allowed in my school, but I guess they do things differently down there.
Jill got (bleeped) out a few more times and kept threatening to leave forever. All this because she didn’t want to pick up a glue gun. A (bleepin’) glue gun and a sewing needle.
Chill, Cowgirl.
Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be Dance Moms.
Seriously. I mean it.
