Srsly. I don’t even like country music. But no cover charge and beer in plastic cups? Sign me up.
Mama needs you to nail this, baby. That fool with the blog is watching and you already know he’s snarkin’ on my hair.
Do I regret tossing that drink in Leslie’s face? No. Do I regret wasting perfectly good booze? Duh.
Lawd, give me the strength to not turn around and snatch that baby by the hair if he kicks my chair one more time.
I’d just like to go on record and remind everyone that we didn’t even do Hair Jokes until I showed up. So suck on that.
All I know is that I gave that kid $2000 worth of pots and pans and I haven’t seen one damn pie.
Umm. Ok. So maybe Kristie Ray left in such a hurry that maybe she left her new flat iron in the bathroom. Maybe.
It’s true.
Check it out.
That convoy of minivans in the liquor store parking lot can only mean one thing.
Dance Moms is back. And freakin’ finally, I might add.
Abby Lee Miller and Lifetime TV just unleashed a whole new season of maternal madness and choreographed cray cray all over our television screens this week and trust me…I couldn’t be happier. It’s been a long time coming.
If you’re new to the whole Pittsburgh dance scene, think of it as the Apocalypse.
The Zombie Apocalypse.
You hear about it all the time and know it will eventually come to your town. You may know the actual date, or maybe just hear rumors. You may have even spent the last few months stocking up on snacks and emergency rations in giggly anticipation.
But nothing really prepares you for their actual arrival.
Nothing.
At least the Dance Moms won’t eat your face off like the Zombies do. They may slap that face a few times and maybe toss a vodka slushy in it right there in the middle of a touristy intersection, but all in all they’re pretty harmless when it comes to actual death and destruction. But that doesn’t mean you should let your guard down.
Ever.
After jet setting around the country on that seemingly never-ending Road to Nationals, Abby and Co. were finally back home on the ALDC Mothership and it was time to get right down to bidnezz. The Bidnezz of Being Da Best.
The next National Trophy ain’t gonna win itself, people.
As all the tiny dancers filed in for the season’s first Pyramid of Shame, it was clear that a few of the girls had gone through some kind of growth spurt over Break and wouldn’t be falling under the “tiny dancer” category for much longer.
Granted, Payton was still on the team and still tall enough to skew the curve, making it nearly impossible for any camera guy to get a smooth pan shot down the line of dancers.
But a few of the other girls were definitely catching up to Amazonian Ackerman. Our little girls are growing up so fast, I tell you. Where does the time go?
As a matter of fact, even the girl’s Ross Park Mall Glamour Shots had somehow grown up over Break. Suddenly everyone’s Pyramid photos were all airbrushed and lip glossed and posed like they were on the cover of Soap Opera Digest during that one month in the summer when all the story lines are about First Love and teenage angst. I should have known when the show opened with a new and improved Dance Moms ReMix groove that something was up. Living On The Dance Floor is so 2013.
Aside from a few random Holiday Specials and Dance Mom Tell-Alls, the last time we really saw all the Moms together was during the infamous WWE Brawlin’ in N’awlins chick fight when Christi hosed Leslie down with her cocktail right in the middle of Bourbon Street. So needless to say, it was a little tense right out of the gate.
(Shout out to my boy Backwards Hat Dude who threw himself into the middle of that Louisiana hot mess like someone on Animal Planet separating two rabid dogs during the Puppy Bowl. I bow to your fearless awesomeness.)
Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved for Chloe, Nia, Brooke and Payton. Chloe and Payton were paying the price for their Moms’ cajun food fight. Brooke had bailed on rehearsals and opted for a trip to NY Fashion Week. And Nia? Well…hold that thought.
Second row was home for Paige, Kendall and Mackenzie. At least I think it was Mackenzie.
Mackadoodle’s new photo was all like Wha Wha Whaaa? and now I’m not sure how much longer I can keep giving her funny little cartoon nicknames. If those ginormous braces ever get pried out of your head, Mama is in for a string of boys on the doorstep.
MackAttack is definitely gonna be a cutie when she finally gets the ok to stop wearing that slurpy retainer. She’ll probably even change her name to Makenzie or MaKenzee like they always do on Toddlers & Tiaras.
Right as Kendall was about to break into her first Second Row Happy Dance of the season, Abby yanked her photo right off the mirror and swapped it with Nia way down there on the bottom.
Psych.
Turns out that Kendall had missed Booty Camp (…which is a Twerkishly delightful name for a kids’ summer dance intensive workshop…) because Mom Jill had made the decision to go on some 5 day family vacation, which I guess is something that you’re not allowed to do if you read the fine print on the ALDC Sell Your Soul contract.
Side note: Jill was dressed exactly like a Mom I used to work with at the GAP, in one of those cropped and popped denim jacket/long skirt combos you borrow from your daughter that doesn’t really go together and yet still works just fine.
It was a freaky moment of retail déja vu that I just felt should be noted. I actually paused my DVR to go and refold all the jeans on my closet shelf it was such a jarring flashback.
I like Jill way better than the Mom from the GAP, by the way. Just saying.
Top of the Pyramid was Maddie. Again. Just like the first three seasons. I’m actually fairly certain that Maddie’s photo is the only one with non-reusable adhesive on the back.
Bitch is up there to stay.
This week the gang was headed to Wheeling, West Virginia for the Sheer Talent Competition. Maddie and Nia would be rocking out solos. Paige, Chloe and Kendall scored a trio entry. And the group routine was going to be a “Girls Night Out” reenactment of Christi and Leslie’s downtown throw down, complete with West Side Story moves and a chance for Chloe to punch out Payton right there in front of the judges with no deduction in points.
Abby loves that whole Life Imitating Art shizz.
As the girls hit the rehearsals, all the Moms hit the Mom Perch and the party really got started.
Leslie was already wound up tighter than Black Friday at Walmart (…you know she destroyed that Housewares department…) and was ready to go a few more rounds with Christi, but she’d have to wait until Jill and Holly stopped picking on each other.
Jill was a little twisted that Kendall had been relocated to the Pyramid basement even though she had come in 2nd at Nationals, while Nia was a row above her even though Nia didn’t perform any solo or high wire act or nothing. It got a little jumbled.
But Dr. Holly stuck up for her kid. And her new stylist.
Dang, Gurrrl. Can we just say Good Golly, Miss Holly? Looks like somebody won a makeover at the church raffle, because The Doctor was all flat iron and MAC counter and BuyMyBook Glamazon Queen.
She reminded me of those naughty school principals who pull the pencil out of their hair bun during Detention and then Boom Boom Pow.
I approve. Now go buy her book. It has her old face and old hair on the cover, not her new face and new hair. But you can probably draw on a smokey eye with magic marker if it really bugs you that much.
And NO for those of you who keep asking…I don’t get commission from her book sales. I don’t even get cookies, thank you very much, even though I know for a fact that her kid is sitting on $2,000 worth of Easy Bake Ovens. But whatever.
While the Moms went back and forth, Maddie and Nia managed to work through their solo rehearsals with little to no drama. Maddie even got a cake for some reason. She must have sold more books than me.
Then suddenly, in a not-so-seamless transition, Brooke was given the opportunity to go up on stage and sing with country music star Jana Kramer. Because Brooke is all about singing now. As opposed to cheerleading. Or dancing. Or electrophysiology.
Clearly, Girlfriend has a lot of interests.
Yes, I did have to Google ‘Jana Kramer,’ who it turns out used to act on that teeny bopper show One Tree Hill. Of course, she did.
I also had to Google ‘Stage AE‘ where they went to watch Brooke sing, because I thought it was the employee entrance to American Eagle. They totally have those in big malls, you know. Totes Magotes they do.
I swear, sometimes Dance Moms makes me feel so old I just want to lay down.
Mom Kelly had even strong armed Brooke’s brother Josh into showing up at the venue. I couldn’t tell if he was happy to be there or miserable or what, because Dude has one of those blank video game faces that never show expression. No clue. So I’m gonna go with him being really happy to support his sister, but not cool with the fact that the wi-fi sucked inside the building and he was probably missing like 200 hockey text messages.
As for the entertainment, I’m not gonna lay any smack down on Brooke’s performance because I remember how scary it was the first time I sang in the cafetorium. But it’s all about stage presence, sweetie. Which means moving once in awhile. The audience digs that kind of thing, plus it makes it much harder for someone to take a clear photo and then embarrass you on Instagram.
Use my years of wisdom wisely, young Jedi Knight.
With one day to go, the trio routine was still not completed and Jill was still chewing on the ends of Holly’s new weave. She didn’t feel that Nia deserved the solo. Holly felt that she did. Rinse and Repeat that discussion a few more times.
Side note #2: Holly wore an old lady rain bonnet on the last day before they left for Wheeling, so you know that is some seriously new hair she’s rocking.
Finally, it was Showtime!
I swear Abby arrived with bodyguards. Bodyguards. Or bookies, maybe. You tell me. Go back and let me know who those big goomba looking guys were who kept pushing all the 9 year old girls out of the way. It was amazing.
For our second Toddlers & Tiaras reference this week, Abby opened up a box of brand new costumes ten minutes for they went on stage to dance. Really. That’s what the Pageant Moms always do right before the Outfit of Choice routine and the Yankee Doodle costumes never fit properly. Never.
Why would you ever wait until they call your number before trying on a sequined tube top with matching leg warmers? I know I don’t.
The trio went well. I couldn’t decide if the three of them looked like Sonic waitresses or Go Daddy! website race car girls with all the seat belt buckle belts (…that’s a mouthful…) and Beyoncé ponytails bopping around up on stage. But they won First Place, so I guess my opinion doesn’t really matter.
Maddie’s solo was a Maddie Solo. I think one of the judges actually walked up on stage and awarded her First Place before she finished.
I’m not sure why every judge had a microphone, unless there’s some Beauty Pageant Q&A part that never gets shown on television. Or a break for karaoke.
The new and improved 2014 model Nia did amaze balls in her solo, even though she didn’t place at all. Sad Face. But this is her year. You can tell.
Right before the group routine hit the stage, Payton had a major league 4 year old hissy fit because her hair bow was too tight, which got Abby so worked up that she ended up telling some random story about Lion King elephants stepping on all the skinny kids dressed in bird costumes. Or something. I dunno. I wasn’t really paying attention right then because Holly’s hair was too fabulous.
When it was all said and done, Payton somehow managed to dance through the pain but the group still only pulled 3rd Place. Which was not First Place.
Not even close.
Insert your favorite Abby meltdown here: __________.
So for their first outing in the new season, the ALDC only pulled in 50% of the wins.
Which was not 100%.
Insert your second favorite Abby meltdown here: __________.
And then call at least one Mom a Bitch and throw something.
Yup. Dance Moms is back. With a vengeance.
And this was only Week One.
Next week: Ohio.
And what could possibly go wrong there?
