Confession Time

Ok
So I'm a bit all over the place at the moment
And it is showing in my behaviours
I shoplifted again
And not just once
A few times
What the hell is wrong with me?
It's like I sabotage myself
Everytime things seem to be going well
I come along with self destructive-ness
And f**k it all up
Rewind to a few weeks
I took a pair of trousers and a white top from a well known shop
Having tried the trousers on at home
I didn't like them much
So yesterday I brought them back to the shop
To exchange them for something else
How cheeky am I?
I found another pair of trousers costing the same
And brought them up to the counter to exchange them
My heart was thumping as I handed in the trousers
'Could I change these please?
I got them as a present so I don't have the receipt
But the tags are still on them'
The girl was really polite and said that was fine
I waited as she did the transaction
Then it occurred to me
What if when she scans the trousers
She sees that they weren't paid for in the first place
I became mildly anxious
But tried to hold it together
The girl was busy pressing buttons on the till
And then........
'Oh there is something wrong here' she said
'Shit shit shit' ran through my head
The girl called another girl over
And I resisted the urge to turn around and RUN
All I could think was 'Ruby, why do you do these things?
It's like you want to get in to trouble'
The two girls played around with the till
And eventually finished the transaction
'Sorry about that' she said
God, I just ripped this shop off and she is saying sorry to me
This is so warped
I took my bag and began to walk out of the shop
But I wasn't finished then
Oh no
On my way out I saw some cute tops
I brought 4 in to the changing rooms
And slipped 2 in to my bag
You are one classy chick Ruby
Seriously though
This is getting out of hand
I need to stop doing this
Pronto
Before the s*it really does hit the fan
I really don't understand myself sometimes
It's like when things are finally going well for me
I decided to mess it all up
And it would be a disaster if I was caught
I live in a small town
Word would spread like wild fire
It would be beyond mortifying
I always believed that I was a bad person
And this behavior confirms it
Or maybe I am just sick
I don't know any more
All I know is that I don't want to this
But I can't seem to control myself
What is wrong with me
HELP!!!!!!