It's time to be honest
I am struggling a bit
Having examined photos of myself from my last post
And others that have been taken recently
And I have come to the conclusion that I am indeed fat
It's not a feeling
It's not an emotion
It's not a state of mind
It's a fact
My body is big and cumbersome
My face is round and moon like
My ass could have it's own solar system
It's true
I have let myself go
And there has been major back lash
My purging is increasing
I had got it down to once a day
If even that
But over the last few days
It has crept up to multiple times a day
And there have been days when I have restricted too
It's so hard to admit this
But I have to
I have to be honest
What is the point in pretending that everything is ok
When it's not
I don't feel like myself
I feel like this weight does not suit me
I feel like there is so much of me
Too much of me
I guess it is normal to feel like this
This body is still very new
And everyone keeps telling me to hang in there
But being a person who wants everything NOW
That is proving very difficult
I keep finding myself thinking
'If I could only lose Xkg, then I would be happy'
But that's exactly the kind of thinking that got me in to this mess in the first place
Thinking that a certain weight equals happiness
I know better than to fall for that one
But still
It's so tempting
To eat less
And purge more
And weigh
And carefully record the numbers
To feel the buzz of an empty stomach
The relief of purging
It's so very tempting
Today I am not ok
And that's ok
It's ok not to feel f**king fantastic
Every minute
Or every day
It's ok to feel the pull of my eating disorder
The important thing is to keep talking and writing about
To keep telling on it
Her voice is so loud at the moment
A whisper has grown to be a roar
It's hard to stay strong all the time
It's exhausting trying to fight her day in day out
Sometimes I feel like I am fighting a losing battle
That there is no point in even standing up to my ED
I feel no match for her
It's days like this when I need to hear that I am doing ok
That it's ok to feel this way
It's days like this when I need to have a good cry
A cuppa and a smoke
Oh what I would do for a smoke and a cuppa right now
It's days like this when I need a hug from my nearest and dearest
I need to hear that everything is going to be alright
That I am going to be alright
That there is light at the end of this dark tunnel
That all this pain and suffering is not in vain
That I will get through this
And come out stronger than ever
I guess I am just jaded today
My body is hurting
My mind is in turmoil
I feel torn between what I know I should do
And what my ED wants me to do
I need to eat
It's the single most important thing about recovery
Food
And probably the single most difficult thing about recovery
I feel the pull of restriction
I count the hours since I have last eaten
And I feel a sense of satisfaction
Shit Ruby
That is so wrong
And it is a slippery slope
I need to be a bit kinder to myself
I need to be gentle
Treat myself the way I would treat anyone else
With love and patience
I''m not ok
Right now
Today
At this very minute
I am not ok
But I will be
I will get there
I will be ok........
