Chicks Do Not Dig: The March EditionBy Jhop
Fake Official Words: Seriously WTF, Oxford English Dictionary? I am all about using slangy abbreviations like OMG and LOL. I often utilize these catchy little phrases in text messages and on this blog, where I usually write like I speak. But I do not, and would not, ever employ such abbreviations formally. So why in the world would we add them to the official English language? They are not WORDS. Especially the heart symbol, as in “I heart NY,” which was also added. The Oxford English Dictionary is like the Word Bible; it is now becoming a snarky picture book. Including things like “repudiate” and “bff” lends undeserved credibility to them, and more importantly, just takes us one step closer to the stupidification of the world. Stupidification is not a word either, but I am hoping to get it added by 2013. So, like, start using it. All the time.
ARod, The Movie Star: Oh, hellllllz no. Ol’ Grandpa Hips McJuicealot is banging Ditzy Tits again. And apparently, in order to “spend more time together,” Cameron Diaz is “planning a romantic comedy set around Major League Baseball” that will star her and Alex Rodriguez. Seriously, ARod? This is why people hate you. After the past few seasons that you’ve had, the last thing you need to worry about is making a movie. You need to continue the kickass awesome spring you’ve had and ignore distractions such as, you know, making a movie in your spare time. You get paid over $30 million each year to play baseball. It would be much appreciated by us Yankees fans if you could act like it is somewhat of a priority. And Cam? Please go make another terrible movie somewhere else. You aren’t going to top your foray into sports with Any Given Sunday, so just quit while you’re ahead. Good god, I hope Minka Kelly kicks her ass.
That only one cast member of Beverly Hills, 90210 is affiliated with Duke: At one of my very first Duke games during my freshman year, I leaned over to a friend during a TV timeout and said, “I swear on anything that Dr. Mel Silver is on the sideline.” We laughed. The idea that David Silver’s father, the very manwhore who cheated on poor Jackie Taylor and led her to start using blow again, was in Cameron Indoor Stadium, was simply preposterous. I then proceeded to spend the rest of the game staring at the man I suspected was his doppelganger. As soon as I got home, I googled the hell out of Dr. Mel Silver and I discovered that the actor who played him – Matthew Laurance – was indeed a sideline analyst for Duke Radio. I also learned that he has a twin brother, but that is besides the point. Dr. Mel Silver WAS A FELLOW BLUE DEVIL. At my school! A substantial character on one of my favorite television shows of all time! Nothing could possibly delight me more (unless Brandon Walsh happened to enroll). But recently, I read this awesome letter he wrote to Kyle Singler and Nolan Smith, and I fell in love with him even more. I have finally forgiven you for your selfish transgressions, Dr. Mel Silver.
Starvation Vacations: We support eating here at CDTF. A lot of it. Even though we are sort of afraid of really fat people. So I guess that makes us hypocrites, but whatever. Nevertheless, we absolutely do not support paying $5,600 to go on a special vacation designed to make you not eat for a week. Three almonds and two cashews are not a snack. Chickpea and onion salad? Not dinner. Waking up at 5:30 a.m.? Um, I am miserable when I get up for court at that time and I am getting paid for it, not the other way around. Take your $5,600 and go to Hawaii. Or to North Dakota. Because pretty much anywhere would be better than this hellhole.
Panty Quilts: Just…what the fuck? Louis Garrett made a quilt out of women’s underwear. 58 pairs to be exact. See, he had previously started a mannequin collection that he used to dress up and like accessorize. But then he saw a quilt in a magazine and became inspired, as we all would. So he made a panty quilt. He asked ladies in the community to donate the "ones they are going to throw away." And he went shopping. Which is not creepy at all. He also does not accept polyester or those “cheap or not sexy” ones. Especially from “the Dollar Store.” So HIGH CLASS LADIES ONLY…says the Toothless Wonder.
Blowout Losses: All I have to say is ARGH. See, e.g., Duke Men's Basketball v. Arizona Wildcats, Sweet 16 (March 24, 2011) at second half; see also, Duke Women's Basketball v. Connecticut, Elite 8 (March 29, 2011) at every moment.
When Deadly Animals Escape: Until further notice, there will be no CDTF field trips to the Bronx Zoo. When I was a kid, I used to go there all of the time. The last time I visited my jungle friends, however, was when I was about 11-years-old. Ever since I moved back to New York in 2008, I have begged my friends to accompany me to the zoo. Unsurprisingly, they have all created excuses not to trek to the Bronx with me to fulfill my childhood animal fantasies. But now that I know I could have unknowingly become an accomplice to their cobra murder?! These Egyptian cobra fuckers can kill a human in 15 minutes! Also? It is kind of fucked up, Bronx Zoo, that you didn’t tell visitors about the missing cobra until after the media picked up on it. Seriously, what the hell kind of reckless endangerment are you into up in the hood? That said, at least the escaped cobra has jumped on the social media bandwagon and created a Twitter account, so we can follow his jailbreak vacay around Manhattan. As he said, “Dear NYC, Apples and snakes have gone together since the beginning.” Even the Naked Cowboy would agree.
Bikini Brawls in Burger King: Oh, Kimesa. Have you guys seen this? Because this story has everything you can possibly dream of: A gang of women clad only in bikinis? (Sex sells). Fighting over delicious fast food? (Violence!). What does she throw at the poor cashier? (A mystery!). She even does her own stunts by climbing over the counter. I mean, that is when shit gets real. Unfortunately, Kimesa Smith has now been charged with a billion crimes from felony criminal mischief to battery. But Burger King, this is seriously unsanitary. There is a whole band of these bitches and the only thing separating their asses from my fries is a thin piece of spandex. Your motto is “Have It Your Way.” This is NOT my way. I do not want my Whopper with a side of skanky tits. Thanks. I do like pickles, though.
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