Maybe “misused” isn’t a great word since it implies a form of external judgment. Therapy is generally whatever the person seeking therapy needs it to be. The purpose of therapy is different for each person; and what is therapeutic is also different for each person.
Some may desire a person to be with them through the various daily life issues that present, and have someone to turn to who will fully hear, understand, and care for them no matter what comes up in life; someone else may want a deeper understanding of themselves in order to change repetitive and painful life patterns; others may want help with a more concrete approach to changing a specific behavior; some others may desire to have a person to whom they can show the most vulnerable parts of themselves, even if these parts aren’t “pretty”. Or it could be a combination of all of these, and more. The list goes on…
However, it is worth giving further thought to a point I’ve seen come up from various perspectives in the therapy world.
As this is, undoubtedly, a delicate topic, please keep in mind that I’m approaching this not as a judgment of how people benefit from their therapy, but more as a point of discussion and consideration.
So, on to the question:
Should people use therapy as a way of justifying constant need-gratification in their lives outside of therapy?
First, is there a right or wrong way to have therapy? Of course not. Therapy is about what you need for your life. But it can sometimes feel confusing that therapy is a place that actually is all about you… It can start to feel like this is how it should be outside of therapy, too.
Not everyone uses therapy in this manner. However, some people (perhaps unconsciously) end up leaning on therapy as a way of justifying that gratifying every feeling is primary in life. This can at times be a misunderstood part of therapy.
I don’t believe the overall goal is necessarily to gratify every feeling, as much as it’s to be able to understand the emotions we experience in order to inform our process. For example: if a friend asks you to go out this weekend, and you really don’t want to (maybe you notice a feeling of annoyance when asked to go out), but you haven’t seen the friend for a while, you can act on the feeling and not go (gratifying the emotion), or you can first consider the feeling, and then consider the friendship. Is this a friendship you want to sustain and support? Do you have a tendency to turn down invitations to go out due to anxiety, or otherwise? Have you been out too much and need a night at home?
Or, as another example: what if you have an angry emotional response to a partner or other person and, in the moment, you want to yell at them? Does this mean that you should do it because you’ve taken from therapy that emotional gratification is primary? Sure, you can do it, but how would it impact the relationship; what would the consequences be? Are there other less destructive ways to relay your emotions?
The point is, there are always other elements to consider that go beyond the personal emotions. Sometimes it may be helpful to understand the emotions, process them with awareness, and then set them aside for the good of the relationship. This doesn’t mean to bottle up the emotions, as much as it may mean having a conversation about what you feel instead of acting out on it, or making a deal with yourself (e.g. I’ll go out with the friend this weekend and will reserve a different night for “me time”. ), and so on.
The ability to self-gratify can feel incredibly freeing — which is an attractive and tempting feeling for many. But it doesn’t come without consequences if relationships with others are also a priority.
As part of therapy, it is essential to learn how to emotionally connect with ourselves, attend to our own needs, and learn how to gratify ourselves in a loving and caring manner, while also remaining aware that it can’t always be only about ourselves without it impacting other areas of our lives.
We live in a world of balance. If we are focusing on ourselves too much (outside of therapy) then we’re excluding others; if we’re focused on others too much then we’re not meeting our own needs. Relationships and friendships become compromised if one person is constantly making decisions based on self-fulfillment without consideration of the unit as a whole.
Without attunement to the relationships, which sometimes means having to make decisions in the best interest of the unit, rather than the self, it will become difficult to sustain (or even develop) longer lasting and intimate connections.
Now, this isn’t to say that it’s bad to go through a period of self-focus. This is often necessary to help people understand what brings fulfillment, and what kind of values and priorities have meaning for them. In a sense, this paves the way for a future of healthier decision-making and life choices.
The point of caution is in allowing the concept of gratification of all emotions to become the goal of therapy. Mental health-wise, it’s more about recognition and understanding than it is about gratification.
Undoubtedly, this issue will come up for many as they go through therapy. It’s normal. A skilled therapist will be able to help you use this area of your therapy as a building block — as a way of achieving self-understanding, and incorporating interpersonal effectiveness with consideration of the self, rather than just simply allowing you stay in a place that may be gratifying to the self at the expense of your interpersonal relationships.
If you start noticing that your therapist tends to make you feel like everything you’re doing is always great, and everyone around you in your life should be adjusting to you, this is a conversation that could be good to bring up with your therapist since this is the kind of mindset that can negatively impact relationships with others if it carries too far.
As a caveat, some people may find that they prefer a stronger relationship with self-gratification, and less of a need for interpersonal — and this is completely acceptable if this is the true desire of the person. However, many people who end up in a place of self-focus also desire stronger interpersonal and intimate relationships, and have difficulty working out of the place of self-focus to allow these kind of relationships to develop. In the end, it’s all about what your priorities are in your life — and priorities can and do shift over time.
If you’re worried that you’re falling too much into a place of self-focus outside of therapy, it doesn’t mean it’s time to end therapy, as much as it means this should be brought up with your therapist so this can be acknowledged and worked with in a way that can bring greater self-understanding and fulfillment into your life.
