Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Aww S***.
I know this damn baby ain’t getting crackers in my hair after I just sat in a Kia for 18 hours.
Excuse me. Where did those two come from? And where’d that baby get all those tasty snacks?
Srsly? It took you 15 months to have that baby but you expect us to learn all these moves in two days?
Thank you, Lord. Finally somebody did the math.
I don’t appreciate people talking about my new baby…or this ghetto shirt y’all making me wear.
Srsly? That. Is. HIGHlarious.
Hold up.
Did I hear you right?
Lemme move my Rittany weave just so we clear.
Did I hear you right?
Next week is the Battle Royale?
The season ending Battle Royale? The finale? That one?
I’m sorry, but that’s unacceptable. Bring It! can not be ending already.
I don’t believe it. I won’t believe it. And if anyone thinks I’m giving up Friday date night with my DDPs without a fight, well…
So somebody needs to fix this asap.
And yes…I’m looking at you, Lifetime Television.
Because I’m pretty sure any network that ran the same five Jane Seymour movies every weekend for 7 years can afford to tack on a few extra episodes, even if it’s just bloopers and an hour of my girl Mimi making MimiFaces. So let’s go, people.
Chop Chop. Hooty Hoo.
With only one week to go before the Battle Royale (…the mutha of all competitions in the elite world of hip hop majorette competitions…) Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were already hard at work inside the Dollhouse Dance Factory prepping for this weekend’s final showdown as soon as the credits rolled.
Miss D’s wonky knee seemed to have recovered nicely as she paced back and forth, crutch-free, in front of the team spilling deets on the upcoming pre-Battle battle. Dianna had all her signature moves and catchphrases back on point (…and on two feet…) and the girls were literally panting and patting with anticipation to get back out on the floor for the final stop on their World Domination A** Kicking Tour.
This week, the team would only be competing in the Stand Battle portion of the competition, which was being held right there somewhere in beautiful downtown Jackson.
Staying local meant that not only would the Dolls be able to focus more on rehearsing and less on packing, but that they would once again be facing off against Jackson’s other hometown favorite…the Purple Diamonds.
Dat’s rite. Shanika Lee & the PDs were back in da house. I smell a rematch.
(Spoiler Alert: I also smell wet baby. But hold that thought.)
The twist this week, since there’s always a twist, was that Captain Kayla would be running the show. The whole show. Rehearsing. Running formations. And doing cuts.
No pressure there.
Since Kayla hoped to one day have her own studio (…Miss Kayla’s I Got It From My Mama School Of Dance And Shuffling coming to a neighborhood near you soon…) Dianna felt that giving KJ complete reign of the girls this week would be a good test run for the Real World. That meant that along with leading the Stand Battle, Kayla would be responsible for all the working parts of preparing for a competition.
Realistically, going up against the Purple Diamonds and then turning around and heading right into a Battle Royale the following week was probably going to give all the girls a lesson in being ready for what Life(time) throws at you. Which was ok. Because you know how Dianna loves her Life(time) Lessons.
This week’s being: If you STAY ready, you don’t have to GET ready.
Side note: Can’t you just see a line of Dianna Williams Motivational Hallmark cards sitting in the racks at Walgreens? F’realz. Every word out of Miss D’s mouth, except for maybe the swear ones and the stuff she says to that Olive Branch lady, is custom made for a family-friendly greeting card. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this yet?
I can totally picture them, too. They’d be all blinged up like a flat Michael Kors bag or something and probably play a Luther Vandross slow jam when you open them. Except for the Birthday ones that would drop a hard Janet beat for your Special Day.
I bet they’d even make Oprah cry.
As the girls got down to rehearsing, we had just enough time to head across town, swing by Babies ‘R Us to pick up a gift and then drop in on the Purple Diamonds studio to see how they were doing getting ready for the competition.
Warning: You might want to sit down for this one.
Shanika. Had. Her. Baby.
I swear.
Shanika was NOT pregnant. This is not a drill.
The PD Coach FINALLY had that baby. Freakin’. Finally.
And I gotta say, girlfriend looked pretty fly for just delivering what had to have been 2 year old with a full head of hair and all four wisdom teeth. So congratulations, Boo. I know that baby must be a cutie patootie if he/she takes after Mama. You must be so proud.
And speaking of hometown bragging rights. Without a doubt, The Purple Diamonds are the Dancing Dolls biggest rival in Jackson. They’ve had a rollercoaster relationship over the years, most notably the infamous victory booty spanks that a few select PD girls unleashed all up in the Dolls’ faces after taking First Place at a previous competition.
Side note: We’ve all seen the flashback video for months now, but this was the first time that I really paid attention to that one crazy PD Mama who came out of nowhere and snatched her baby girl right out of the auditorium as soon as she started spanking her a**.
You see dat? How did I miss it the first 250 times they ran the loop?
(Quick pause to point out that the Mickey Hat made it’s triumphant return this week.)
But anyway. That Mama. She was on fi-yah. I swear she popped a rotator cuff when she yanked her girl off the floor. It was the same way those mothers do it when their punk a** kids start horsing around on the yellow part of the subway platform. That must have been one looooong ride home in the car, sweetie. And an even longer month being grounded without your Sidekick. Cuz Mama was not happy. Just wait till your Daddy comes home.
Side note: Where was Shanika’s new baby? We’ve been looking at it for the last year and a half. It would have been nice to finally have some kind of christening or something. And why does every hip hop majorette dance studio have so much crap piled up in all the corners? And do you think there’s a nursery in the back now? Because you know it has to be decorated in Barney the Dinosaur bedding. I can’t think of any other cartoon that’s purple and she was registered at stores that sell it.
So many questions still unanswered. And with only one episode left.
Back at the Dollhouse, Kayla was trying to channel her Inner Miss D and get the job done, but it wasn’t going so well. Apparently, being Miss D is even harder than it looks, because for Kayla the struggle was real.
Dianna tried to remain hands-off, but kept jumping back in on Kayla’s directions and decisions so often that when Miss D momentarily retook control of the lineup, KJ didn’t know what else to do except cry. She didn’t want to cry. And I didn’t want to see her cry.
But she did. One single tear, like they do in soap operas.
Lesson Number Two: Life is frustrating. You need to be tough. And what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. At least according to Miss D and that girl from American Idol, who also just had a baby. But in only 9 months. Like normal people.
Side note to Lifetime: There was not nearly enough DDP FaceTime this week. And it was unacceptable. Going forward, please make it a point to have all my Mamas on the sidewalk and on the screen more often, even if it means cutting back on a few of your commercials. Especially the one about having greasy babies in the woods. I’d be ok with that. Because that one was just nasty.
The night before the competition, Kayla clutched the sacred Clipboard of Cuts and put the girls into small, manageable groups to judge their Stand Battle readiness, while across town in the Purple Diamonds underground laboratory, Shanika was busy creating an artificial Dianna and Sunjai for her newly choreographed DD4L Stand.
I see what you’re doing there, Ms. Lee.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Side note: Chair Stands are the New Black. I get that. But you mean to tell me that none of these high school and university auditorium venues come equipped with metal folding chairs? Do the Dolls really need to shlep them around from town to town wherever they go? What do the students in Jackson sit on during classes nowadays?
Seriously. Watching the Dolls file into the building looked like that famous sad World War II movie where every prisoner was given one shower cap and one folding chair and sent into Solitary. Which I might be making up, since I can’t remember if they actually had metal folding chairs during World War II.
Or Staples stores to buy them at. Or even shower caps to keep your edges laid.
But you get my point
I just hope the Dolls got to ride over on a bus, because if my girls had to walk in formation all the way across town carrying bake sale chairs, Imma gon’ need to talk to somebody in charge. Because that ain’t right.
And speaking of awkward arrivals. Ladies and Gentlemen…Traci Young-Byron.
Whaa–? AwHellNah.
I know that coach from Miami’s YCDT Supastarz did not just walk into the building like she and her ShavedHead LadyFriend just happened to be in the neighborhood looking for colored sidewalk chalk.
One…Because you know that’s totally what Traci uses to section her hair. The big jumbo pack ones that comes with a ‘Do Not Eat’ sticker because they look exactly like bubble gum cigars and kids get all excited when they see the pink one.
And Two…That was funny. It’s ok to laugh.
Side note: Wait. What? No Mimi at the competition? Really? Not cool. Not cool at all.
Luckily, Tawantza‘s crazy mini-hair clips and thigh high Disney Pocahontas boots gave me so much Life that I can forgive Mimi for missing the bus. Bonus Points for Tawantza’s iPhone being tucked into the top of her boots like she was some Bond girl getting ready to pull out a switchblade and slit your throat during dinner.
This show. Make it be two hours. And longer than 14 episodes. Now, please.
Naturally, Miss D and Traci met up in the hallway before the competition and that scene alone could have extended this thing to 15 weeks.
They were both all like MmmHmm and OhNoYouDin’t and WhatchooTalkinBoutWillis as they confirmed that their bodies were indeed snatched and who was fiercer than who and WhyYouBeSpyingUpOnMe all back and forth and back and forth until I ’bout needed to lay down on the church floor just to catch my breath.
Lawd. It was totally like that. I swear.
Even more Bonus Points given to anyone who noticed that lady in the background bringing back the JLo Juicy Couture sweat set. I need to know her name immediately.
Then the Dolls and PDs hit the lights. And it was on.
The Purple Diamonds unleashed their Diannastein Monster and let the fake Miss D stomp all around the Stand making cuts while a fake Sunjai ran in circles flipping extensions like it was her day job. The Dolls returned the favor with a Stand that even Traci admitted was pretty slick even though nobody pointed their toes.
Then the PDs dropped a girl on her head, which I don’t think was supposed to be part of the next Stand. They were trying to do some upside down something or other and everyone got wobbly at the same time (…which I assumed was not the plan, even though it did make it appear to be slightly choreographed…) until one girl finally gave up and just dropped the other one so they could keep the thing moving.
They even had a drum major dude come out and go completely drum major spaz on the audience. Twitter said he was an official Jackson drum major (…and you know that anything on the internet is true…) so I’m not sure why he couldn’t wear his official Jackson drum major uniform instead of a rap video track suit. But whatever, yo.
And then the Dolls shut it down with their Chair Stand. I mean…dang, gurlz.
They slid it down. And then Shut. It. Down.
Even Traci was all like lean back WTF?TheyGoooodNow!
Umm. Der. Yeah. They’re the Dancing Dolls.
Needless to say, the Dolls won.
Both teams did amazingly well. Everyone stepped it up for this competition. The Purple Diamonds were exceptionally energetic, which Traci made note of in her SpyBook. But there could only be one winner. And it was the Dolls.
And now it was on to the Battle Royale, where The Best of The Best would come face to face one last time to decide who really gets those bragging rights.
The Dancing Dolls vs. Everyone.
This is the Big One. So get ready to throw some Shade and some Stands.
You think you can beat the Dolls? Really?
Girl, pleez. Take a seat.
On second thought…take two.
DD4L!
