Let’s keep it 100. It’d be hella easier to do CrossFit if Mama’s hair didn’t make me hungry for Wendy’s.
Really? We’re still using the same old tired a** weave joke two seasons later? You wanna do this?
I’m a Sonic Girl myself, but there ain’t nothing wrong with a little Wendy’s after practice. Truth.
My Anaconda…
I really don’t have anything to say right now. I just need a moment or two to process all this.
I get ants in my pants every time they find someone crazier than me. Thank you, Jesus!
FYI: F.D.I Bitches.
Disclaimer:
Before we even get started.
That will be my last Wendy’s joke. Ever.
I promised Tina. And you know she’s my girl. She gave me one last Get Outta Jail card, but it’s time to move on now. Especially this week, when it wouldn’t hurt any of us to put down that greasy bag of fast food and focus on some exercise and a healthy lifestyle.
Dat’s rite, people. It’s time to Spit That Out and Dance.
Which I totally thought was the name of this week’s Bring It! destination until I watched the episode a second time and realized that Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were actually headed to the Shut Up and Dance Competition in Mobile, AL.
My bad.
Regardless, the event was a big dealio for the Dolls. They had done really well the last time they attended that franchise, but now that the team was in the midst of their World Domination/A** Kicking Tour it was going to be even more important that they slam it hard when they arrive in ‘bama.
Miss D didn’t waste any time laying out the deets for the girls in the Dollhouse.
This week the Dolls would be going up against the AllStarz In Motion, the Dynamic Dancing Divas, Images of Sophistication, the Diamondettes and the Girls Who Need To Get Off Their Damn Instagram Right Now And Google The Word Spellcheck.
Out of all the teams the Dolls would be facing, the Diamondettes were probably their biggest competition. Never having gone up against them before, the Diamondettes were well known not only for their clean, creative technical skills but also for just generally being bad a**. So the pressure was on.
Especially for Kayla, who would be performing in three routines this week: Field Show, Stand Battle and a Captain’s Solo. Lawd, I was getting tired just thinking about it.
As the girls got down to bidnezz inside, the maternal members of the team were all out on the sidewalk doing what they do best. Especially newbie Tawantza, who was still thirsty enough for her 15 minutes that she decided to show the rest of us that her baby girl ZaTia definitely gets it from her Mama. Hypothetically, at least.
Yeah. She went there. And there. And then she went way over there somewhere.
MmmHmm. Snap.
Hopefully you were able to cover the kids’ eyes in time before Tawantza started backing dat thang up like she was unloading freight at a Walmart loading dock.
Toot Toot. Hey. Beep Beep.
Something about watching all them Bad Girl moves through the window all these weeks finally made Tawantza snap and she started slapping her thighs like you do when you get a charlie horse after too many hours in the car. And don’t even get me started on them Ugg Boots, because you know how I feel about those cartoon shoes.
You also know I love me some certifiably crazy Tawantza. You know I love all these Mamas, even though none of them seem to be able to convince Lifetime to stretch this show into two hours every week. Still…mad love.
But…sorry. Watching your baby through a window and then suddenly thinking you’re a dancer is right up there with me watching the Discovery Channel and thinking I can go up on the Space Shuttle next Thursday.
Trust me, Boo. It ain’t gonna happen. Wanting to be an astronaut and actually BEING an astronaut are two completely different things that I had to learn the hard way. Sometimes the truth just hurts.
Luckily, everyone’s Mom of the Year Mimi broke it down into easily digestible bites.
Get it. Get it girl. You got it. You don’t got it. You never had it. You need to keep the tags on it and return it. ASAP.
Toot Toot. Beep Beep. Hooty Who.
(Srsly. If they don’t start letting boys into that Team Mimi/Team Tina Poking Parent Workshop this summer Imma gon’ snatch some Wendy’s braids and cut the line.)
Disclaimer Numero Dos: THAT was my last Wendy’s joke. I swear. It was just too easy.
PS. Mimi knows how to tell it like it is. Too bad she can’t tell Seloncé‘s twins apart.
While Tawantza was outside picking up all the dollah dollah bills, yo from her strip mall dance, the Dolls were still inside working on their Field Show choreography.
The most physically grueling of all the routines, the Field Show required ridiculously high endurance and energy that was On Fleek at all times. A reality that did not go unnoticed by either Kayla and Miss D, who both finally addressed an issue that had been clogging up the internet for weeks.
Kayla had gained a few pounds. Maybe ten.
But she’s still my girl’s girl. Don’t you worry ’bout dat. And I blocked all the haters from talking smack on my Twitter feed. So there’s that, too.
Part of the charm of Bring It! has always been how Dianna’s passion drove her to create an environment where girls can learn the importance of high self-esteem, education and determination regardless of shape or size.
All girls are welcome at the Dollhouse. Really. Big girls, little girls, thick girls, skinny girls, tall girls, short girls (…shout out to the white girl, tho we might still need to work on that demographic a little, Miss D…) and every other girl from rare to al dente to well done.
So it’s not just Kayla’s weight gain that’s a concern for Dianna. She wants Tina’s baby girl to be as healthy as possible when she moves on from the Dancing Dolls and starts working towards building her own dreams.
And Kayla knew it, which was already half the battle. Granted, she comes from hearty, big boned-ed stock (…which is a word that she made up on the spot that I plan to insert into as many conversations as possible going forward…) but she also knew that in order to keep on dancing and choreographing after graduation, she would need to cut back on the 99 cent Jr. Cheeseburgers…even though, realistically, you can’t even make them yourself for that price. I mean…99 cents?
Seriously? How do they do that? It’s like trans-fat retail magic.
And I love me some Kayla, but she does need to stop rubbing her belly. Did you see that?
It was like when I used to draw Sharpie smiley faces on my gut and then make my tummy talk. A true crowd pleaser when you’re at Scooby Doo sleepovers, but nobody seemed to appreciate the hilarity by the time I was a senior in high school.
Worst. Prom. Ever.
Just a word of advice from Uncle Dan, that’s all. No Sharpies on dress-up day.
As Miss D took Kayla outside for some cone drills and a 200 mile run, we took a more leisurely trip to Mobile, AL to check in on the Diamondettes.
And their coaches Angel and Jevontae, who were so busy giving me Hashtag: LIFE that I don’t know how they got anything else done.
And let’s just get this one out of the way now, because I can read your mind from here.
Maybe it’s my sordid Dance Moms history or whoknowswhat, but I can never wrap my head around these choreographers who don’t…umm…actually choreograph with their dancers. Like they just stand there in their XXXL t-shirts (…tho, full disclosure, Bonus Points were given for that fierce “FDI” Competition Day ensemble…) and shout out dance terminology like they’re on Jeopardy.
They don’t move their hands, even when they talk. Did anyone else notice that?
Even in their interview confessional shots, Angel and Jevontae (…which I assume is French for, I dunno…Jevontay, I guess…) stood completely motionless while still somehow managing to be totally fabulous. It was awesome.
Try it. I can’t do it. The No-Hands part, I mean. I got the Fabulous down, thank you.
And their team was jacked.
Like GNC Gold Card Day supplement jacked.
Dang.
Squat jumps. Crunches.
Double Dang with a protein shake chaser.
By the time the Diamondettes did 400 plyometric box jumps with 30 second interval breaks for some alternating one-handed pushups and kettle bell swings, I needed to hydrate and hit the showers.
Back at the Dollhouse, Miss D revealed the final headcount for the competition. All three of Seloncé’s dance troupe made the cut (…quick, Mimi–what are their names?…) but the only thing that really mattered after all the clipboard drama was that somewhere in that building there’s a girl named Chicken Little.
I know, right? Chicken Little.
Make. This. Show. Be. Three. Hours.
Finally, it was Showtime!
The Diamondettes prepared for battle by doing 45 minute wall-sits followed by military rope climbs up and over the roof of the auditorium while Jevontae zapped them with police tasers before putting yellow bow ties around the necks of those who survived.
Jacked, I tell you. Jacked.
Backstage, Tawantza snuck in to give ZaTia a pep talk. She wanted her baby to get all Beyoncé, Ciara, Aaliyah and Miss Jackson If You’re Nasty on stage and show Dianna that her baby ain’t no Baby Doll no mo’.
MmmHmm. Snap.
ZaTia just stood there motionless.
MmmHmm. Stop. I mean it. Stop.
I also think ZaTia said her Mama was ‘SkrongMinded,’ but I can’t be sure, because whenever Tawantza starts talking I lose all grip on what’s real and what’s make believe.
Out in the auditorium, Mimi, Tina, Seloncé and it’s Rittany bitch were all in their seats.
Kinda. Seloncé was having a rough time sitting still since all three of her babies were going to be part of the Field Show and was flailing her arms around like she was on that log ride at Disneyland that splashes into the water at the bottom of the track. Ants in her pants, I believe she called it.
That little girl’s face sitting next to her, tho.
I just hope Lifetime is picking up the bill for all the psycho-therapy that little nugget is gonna need when she finally stops repressing the memories of what really happened that night she sat next to Sunjai‘s Mama in Mobile.
The Field Show was off the chart for both the Dolls and Diamondettes. Being Hometown Favorites, the Mobile team got bigger screams right out of the gate, but (…Spoiler Alert…) never say never.
Kayla started slowing down about halfway through the Field routine and Dianna got a little nervous. But she also knew that KJ always came through in the end.
Side note: Srsly. How big was that backstage makeup room?
Eat your heart out, Abby Lee Miller.
The Diamondettes Coach’s Solo was great. She was on fi-yah. So much so that her entire team had to come out at the end, hose her down and then carry her off on their shoulders.
Note to self: Always exit a room like that from now on.
And then Kayla hit the stage for her turn. And whatever corner wasn’t already charred or smoking got burned down.
To the ground, yo.
Clearly, that was 10 extra pounds of rocket fuel that Kayla had been storing in those tanks all these weeks, because…dang. She didn’t even need a smiley face on her belly to make the audience scream.
Tina cried. Rittany testified to the Lord of the Dance. Seloncé terrorized that little girl next to her again. And then Mimi went all Mimi on the place.
Yaaaassss! Kayla put some thug on it.
By the time the Dolls and Diamondettes returned for the Stand Battle, my whole neighborhood was out on the streets. It was crazy.
Both teams brought it to the floor, but the Dolls final chair dance routine just destroyed the auditorium.
Especially when Dianna’s girls all crossed their legs in those chairs, one by one like Jackson City Rockettes, all the way down the line. Boom. Boom. And Pow.
Until they got to Mimi’s pride and joy Camryn at the very end, that is, who did a slo-mo IfYouGirlsLeaveNowYou’llBeatTraffic high kick into a leg cross thing that, for the second time this season, caused someone at the APAC Performing Arts School to just pack up his desk and go home before he even got a pink slip on Monday.
Pssst: You can file the Harris application under “Y” for YOUR LOSS, suckahs.
And then it was over.
The Dolls came in Second Place (…First Loser…) for the Field Show. Which is bad on Dance Moms, but good on Bring It! because trophies don’t define the girls.
Kayla swiped First Place for her solo (…srsly…how big were some of those damn trophies? Holy Toddlers & Tiaras, Batman…) while the Dolls took First in Stand Battle. I hope somebody had a sunroof to bring all that stash back to Mississippi.
As always, everyone learned some valuable lessons about self esteem and portion control. Kayla went home to have a salad (…with Doritos and maybe some cheese dip. A girl’s still gotta live…) while the twins went home to make name tags in the hopes that one day Mimi might stop calling them Thing 1 and Thing 2 from the Dr. Seuss book.
Oh. And the last we knew, Tawantza was still out in the parking lot somewhere.
Dropping it like it’s hot.
Because. You know.
DD4L!
