What What? You see what time it is? It’s called Nap Time. So where’s my damn juice box, woman?
You can cry all you want, but we’re still listening to Beyoncé again cuz she’s the freakin’ Queen Bey.
And dat’s why a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy’s gotta do. Because Mama is Kray-Zee.
Not gon’ lie. I could nibble off a little piece of that JJ right now and still have room for dessert.
Buck, yeah, Gurl.
Bitch, do I look like a nibbler? I want the whole burger with a big side of JJ fries. Dang, he is so fine.
The hellz that on her head? I don’t even have that color in my Crayola 64 box.
The wait is over.
DD4L is finally available in Toddler sizes.
But no need to run all over town looking for the perfect fit, because Bring It! was back this week with the full size range of Dancing Dolls. Everything from Babies to Big Gurlz.
And trust me…”Baby” don’t mean Baby, if you know what I mean.
It means Cute. Freaking cute. Straight up Slap yo’ Mama Cute. With attitude.
Surprise. Turns out that Dianna Williams has been down at the Dollhouse coaching not one…but two…hip hop majorette teams all this time. Who knew?
The Dancing Dolls and The Baby Dancing Dolls. DDs and BDDs.
Not to be confused with the DDPs, the DD4L cheer or the (…Spoiler Alert: JJ…) soon to be announced DDDs. Would have been nice if Lifetime had told us in advance that we needed to purchase Flash Gordon decoder rings in order to play along.
After posting losses two weeks in a row, Miss D and the Teams were hunkered down inside the Funk Fort prepping for a battle on their home turf.
This week it was The River City Rumble, where they would once again be going up against their arch enemies the Prancing Tigerettes. And losing was not an option.
Which meant that it was time to pull out all the stops and unveil the Secret Weapon.
Activate The Baby Doll Brigade.
Never before in the entire history of the entire World had a Baby Team ever gone up against a Big Girl Team in competition. But Dianna needed her own Big Girls to focus all their energies on choreographing some fresh new Tigerette bitch slaps, so to alleviate the pressure she was sending the Tiny Tots into battle. They would be scooting out onto the floor for the Field Show and going head to head against teams twice their age.
And twice their size. But don’t you worry ’bout them, mmmkay? They got dis.
These Baby Dolls were complete cutie patootie niblets. Every stinkin’ one of them.
Especially this one little nugget who was all poofy hair and OhHellNo as she watched the Big Dolls bust out a few 8 counts. And this other mini squirt who I swear was still in a onesie, who had those dangly beaded hair braid things that probably click against the side of her car seat every time Mama hits that speed bump in front of Target.
When she fell backwards watching the Big Dolls, I just ’bout joined her on the floor.
They were all cute. And sassy. So sassy. Baby don’t got Back yet, but Baby got baby teeth and dance moves for days, which they proved when they took over the floor and showed the Big Girls how it’s done on the playground.
After twerkin’ out to some Yo Gabba Gabba, the Baby Dolls got sleepy and were sent home. I would have needed a binky after all that bucking, too.
Once the Baby Dolls were home chilling with their sippy cups, the Big Dolls got to sitting and talking about last week’s loss and what needed to be done to guarantee they brought home First Place this time around. Just the usual Monday Morning quarterbacking until one girl casually mentioned that maybe the team could have done better at the Stand Battle. Which meant that she just kinda sorta dissed Kayla‘s lead as Captain during the aforementioned Stand Battle.
Which meant that she just kinda sorta dissed Kayla. OhNoSheDin’t.
Ooooh, girl. You better stand up. And then just have a seat, please. Bloop.
You thought that was cold? Try outside on the sidewalk, where all the Moms were literally chilling in their winter beanies, trying to sneak a peek through the windows.
I’m no meteorologist, but they must have had a major storm front move in overnight, because they weren’t all bundled up like that last week. Not even close. But now they were all wrapped up like some kind of Gap Holiday commercial blooper reel, bumping into each other and getting loud in their knit gloves and ski caps.
Hilariously crazy as always. Now also comfortably protected against the elements.
Except for maybe Seloncé and It’s Rittany Bitch, who were both wearing those pleather jackets that always seem to be in the window at Rainbow. Those didn’t look very warm.
I would imagine that constantly picking on each other every waking moment must raise their body temperatures a few notches, though, so they were probably ok.
For the fourth week in a row, the award for Wearing A Wig Bright Enough To Flag Down Rescue Helicopters If You Ever Get Shipwrecked On A Deserted Island went to my girl Tina. She can do no wrong. End of story.
Neighborhood Look-Out Mimi was exceptionally well padded in her winter gear as well. I wasn’t sure if that was done to keep her toasty or as protection for that inevitable day when someone finally knocks her down on the pavement as payback for all the years that she has spent stirring things up at the Dollhouse.
She tight wid Miss D. She tight.
If I didn’t love her already I would now, just because of all those crazy Warner Brothers cartoon faces she makes during her interview shots.
Back inside, Dianna was running the girls through some new moves. And there’s really nothing better than Miss D cracking necks during a Tigerette Mime and showing all us living room dancers how to snap it high, pop it low, come at me bro and then walk away all MmmHmmIJustToldYouBitchInTheMiddleOfMyLivingRoomInMyBoxerShorts.
My neighbors below me must wonder what all the racket is upstairs and why they keep hearing somebody bumping into furniture every Wednesday night.
MmmHmmIJustToldYouCoffeeTable. That’s gonna leave a mark. Bitch.
The next day it was down to the wire as Miss D worked it out with the Baby Dolls one last time. I just can’t with all the cuteness.
Not to mention the bedtime story that went along with their song.
What time is it? Where you been? I been waiting on you. Dat’s rite. Pee Wee Pop Pop.
I think it’s pretty safe to say that when these little peanuts grow up, their men will never be showing up late for dinner. Hell Naw.
Then they got sleepy again and had to go home for the night.
It gave me a warm fuzzy when Dianna reminded them all to put on their shoes and jackets before leaving, because it proved once again how much Miss D loves these kids. It also proved she’s smart enough to know that a 6 year old will run outside and face plant directly into a snowbank in their underoos unless you remind them that their ski pants are hanging right in front of their face.
As the evening wound down, it was time for cuts. And it wasn’t pretty. Inside or Out.
Inside, Sunjai got cut from the Stand Battle after forgetting the choreography. And not just a move or two. But the entire thing. At which point she should have just faked something out and kept grooving, but instead chose to freeze in place like someone had just called her name out on Toddlers & Tiaras.
And I was really rooting for her, too. I’m a softie for the underdogs.
Outside, Mama handled it worse than her daughter did and before you knew it, Seloncé took her short fuse, knit gloves and all that pleather right inside the building.
Seloncé flipped a switch or two. Sunjai cried. Dianna tried to run a routine with one hand and push a crazy lady out the door with the other. Seloncé kept flailing her big knit hands around so much that it reminded me of that first Mickey Mouse cartoon where all he did was whistle and do jazz hands.
Sunjai cried some more and then ran into the car to escape. Dianna finally got Seloncé out the door and made a mental note to call someone to change the locks in the morning.
By the time Seloncé got in the car, Sunjai was breathing into a paper bag she was crying so hard. It made me sad.
Sunjai blamed her Mama for all the drama and unnecessary pressure. Mama imagined Sunjai growing up to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. Sunjai cried even harder when she heard that and then I started breathing into a paper bag just to be safe. Seloncé suddenly remembered that she already had her own Naughty Big Girl Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader costume at home for some reason and then the last thing I remember was both my shin and my head hitting the coffee table at the same time.
When I came to, it was finally Showtime! And JJ time!
Sunjai’s E’rry Day I’m Shufflin’ Daddy JJ showed up at the competition with his daughter. Because a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy gotta do, yo.
Dianna had banned Seloncé from the show this weekend after she lost her nutty back at the Dollhouse, so JJ and his swag swooped in to save the day.
Dude is 200% playa. But the good kind. He wants the best for his baby. He knows his ex-wife is a little quirky. And he can dance like Bill Cosby used to do in the opening credits of his show. Maybe even better, because Cliff Huxtable never wore low riders.
So he’s got my vote for Daddy of the Year, even though at one point I think he did say that he wants to see Sunjai ‘Prospect and Blossom.’
My boy Quincy was also back again coaching the Tigerettes. After you’ve seen him dressed like Pee Wee Herman all his other outfits pale in comparison, so I forget what he was wearing below the neck. I do wonder how many hats he owns.
Newsflash: The ladies looooove their JJ.
Don’t tell the Teams, but I’m pretty sure the loudest cheering was actually for JJ when he did his patented Sanford and Son arrival into the stands. Lamont, you Big Dummy.
And the DDP ladies really love JJ, because they were practically giddy when he shimmied his butt down onto the bleachers. Tina even used the big rollers to curl up her Farrah Fawcett meets Lucy Ricardo wig. Girlfriend must’ve known company was coming.
The show was amazeballs, as always. Both shows…on the floor and in the stands.
I’m not even sure which one I liked better.
The crowd was cray. Cray to the umpteenth power of Cray.
The Baby Dolls piled on about 7 inches of cheerleading hair and wrecked the place. They looked like sparkly versions of those 1970′s dolls that magically grew hair when you pushed on their belly buttons. Werk that First Place trophy!
Not to be outdone, the Big Dolls also showed up to win. Let’s just say that when they started cracking Tigerette necks, the competition didn’t stand a chance.
Thanks for playing, girls. If you leave now, you’ll beat traffic.
Game Over. Kayla was back. The Dolls were back.
And the First Place trophy was back on the DD shelf where it belongs.
You might wanna check your watch now.
Because that’s what time it is, mmmkay?
Any questions?
Pop.
