You do know when you’re talking s*** about me on your pretend phone I can hear you, right?
Fire in the Hole! Mama on the Inside!
That’s my Baby!! That’s my Baby!! That’s my Baby!! That’s my Baby!! That’s my Baby!!
Imma srsly ’bout to super-size her meal AND her beat down all inna same order. That bitch is crazy.
Where’d it go? Where’d it go? Where’d it go? Where’d it go? Where’d it go?
Lawd. I don’t even ask anymore. All I know is that I have a really cute baby and about 200 red shirts.
And the award for teaching girls how to spank themselves on a basic cable network goes to…
Shut up?
No. You shut up.
And then dance. Just shut up…and dance.
If you’re pressed for time, that was basically the gist of this week’s Bring It!
Shutting up and dancing.
No drama. No disrespect. Just good, healthy, booty poppin’ hip hoppin’ majorette competition. Unfortunately, not everyone got the memo.
This week started out calmly enough, though, with some quality Family Time down at Casa Williams, where Dianna was doing her best to try and get everyone out of the house before noon.
Family Time is important to Miss D. because running a business, hitting the competition circuit every weekend and barricading the front door of her studio against a continuous stampede of crazy Mamas doesn’t leave her much time for husband Robert and that little nugget Cobe.
Seriously. Her son. If there was ever a reason for Sony to hurry up and invent futuristic Touch-O-Vision HD plasmas, it’s that kid’s head, right?
You just want to rub it and make a wish he’s such a niblet. He reminds me of one of the little squirts from Toddlers & Tiaras who used to run in circles with a balloon stuck to his head before every pageant.
But Cobe’s noggin isn’t just for statically electro-charged balloon tricks. It’s also for heartbreaking, because you can already tell that this kid is gonna be one smooth playa after a few more bottles of Flintstone chewables. I’m Big! I’m Big!
I know you are, dude. But right now, you’re still Mommy’s little baby boy and she’s in no hurry to have you grow up. On the Cute Meter, Cobe is off the charts.
After finally scooting both her boys out the door, Dianna headed for the Dollhouse to lay out the deets for this week’s Shut Up And Dance Competition.
This time around, the Dancing Dolls would be staying local and going up against Jackson’s other most popular team the Purple Diamonds, which meant that the winner would not only score a sweet trophy and save some cash on bus fair again, but also nab hometown bragging rights and probably a free pizza somewhere if they show up in their track jackets.
Or at least that’s how it worked in my high school for a kid who won a regional spelling bee one year. He got a free pizza.
He also got a wedgie on his way home and had to hand over the pizza to some bully from the football team who ate the whole thing with his buddies behind the CVS and then got suspended the next day. So maybe towns don’t do that anymore. I’ll have to ask my parents.
Anyway. There was a point to that story but I lost it somewhere.
The last time the Dolls faced off with the PDs it had gotten ugly. Too much of the aforementioned drama and disrespect, which caused both teams to lose their focus.
Turns out that the PDs have quite a reputation for talking smack and instigating rumbles, so Dianna hoped that this time would finally be different.
I hope that I’ll wake up tomorrow and be 6′ 2″. Let’s see how we both do with our wishes in the morning, mmmkay?
After successfully running in a straight line carrying a pink flag on a stick last week, Sunjai was up for an even bigger role in the Stand Battle at the upcoming SU&D competition. Seloncé‘s baby girl had really been working hard at improving lately, so it kinda gave me a warm fuzzy to see her perseverance finally start to pay off. I love when she gets excited and you can see her braces.
As the girls got into Beast Mode inside, the Mamas were outside just trying to stay warm.
Cuz it wuz cold out der, gurl.
I swear. Even when they’re risking hypothermia I love this crazy ladies.
Jackson’s own stealth spy drone Mimi was all bundled up in her Where’s Waldo hat and big flappy floppy red jacket again. She reminded me of that kid we all knew when we were little who lost his jacket so many times that his parents finally flat out refused to buy him another one just to prove a point and the next day he showed up at the bus stop with one mitten and the sleeves of his older brother’s snorkel jacket dragging on the ground.
You know exactly who I’m talking about. Every neighborhood had one.
It’s Rittany Bitch was back again (…where does she keep disappearing to every other 30 minutes?…) and looked exactly like one of those military S.W.A.T. team guys who always crash through bank skylights and rescue hostages. I’ll take a black belt in karate over proper grammar anytime, Girlfriend. She be a hoot.
For the seventh week in a row, the award for Wearing A Wig That Is Actually Made Of Twizzlers And Can Be Eaten As A Survival Snack If Your Car Breaks Down During A Snowstorm went to my girl Tina.
Spoiler Alert: She’ll probably win next week, too.
She and Rittany made a pretty good matched set this week with their night vision goggle sniper ensembles. Except that real night vision goggle snipers probably don’t wear protective chinchilla headgear when they take down terrorists. Or anything bright red, come to think of it. So never mind.
The only one not really bundled up for the cold weather was Seloncé, because looks always trump comfort. Duh.
I don’t remember if the other Beyoncé ever did a music video wearing one of those knit beanie berets that the Jackson Beyoncé was wearing, but I couldn’t tell them apart for a few minutes. Dang, girl. Maybe you were right all along.
I also don’t remember if the other Beyoncé knows how to fight, but the Jackson one certainly doesn’t. Even when Mimi tried to show her how to throw down in case the Purple Diamonds try an’ start sumthin this weekend.
Flapping her older brother’s snorkel jacket sleeves around like she just got bad DNA test results on The Maury Show, Mimi almost windmilled herself right back to Holland.
Right when you think you know which one of these ladies is the craziest…you don’t.
Back inside, the girls were Walking The Dog and getting all bad a** in preparation for the weekend. Walking The Dog was a Stand that looked like one girl was walking a bunch of dogs, which is probably why Dianna decided to call it Walking The Dog and probably why you didn’t really need me to explain it to you.
As the intensity heated up and the temperature continued to drop, the Mamas finally convinced Mimi to try and help them gain access to the inside of the building before both of Tina’s eyeballs and piglet toes froze solid. Mimi’s a tough nut to crack, but eventually she agreed to meet Dianna for lunch the next day and plead their case.
And it worked! Mimi and Tina finally got to enter the Forbidden Zone and watch a rehearsal!
Rittany was MIA again (…probably another covert military mission somewhere…) and Seloncé was late (…trust me, being pretty takes more time than you can imagine…) but Mimi and Tina raced in from the cold and plopped it down on two folding chairs like it was Bingo Night at the Dollhouse.
A special Holiday Bingo Night apparently, since they were accompanied by the same background Christmas music you always hear when someone opens the door in a Macy’s commercial. It was quite festive, actually.
When Seloncé finally showed up, in a slightly more weather appropriate ensemble for a change, she joined the Mamas and quickly got them all kicked right back outside.
That’s My Baby!! That’s My Baby! Five. Six. Seven And Eight. Hi, Sunjai!! Good Job, Sunjai!! Why can’t I stop talking, Sunjai??
I wish I was better at lip reading than I am, because I really need to know what Tina was mouthing under her breath as she fumbled with her coat and got ready to get booted back out onto the cold sidewalk. Check it out on your DVR. Girlfriend was NOT happy, but it was awesome.
It was almost like she was talking in tongues or something. Maybe possessed by the ghost of Dave Thomas (…digging the fast food braids, by the way…) or channeling one of those ladies from The Jerry Springer Show who always pick up a chair and crack it over their ex-husband’s head.
Violence is never the answer, kids. The More You Know.
Later, with only one night to go before the competition, Dianna broke her own long standing rule and went out on a Date Night with her man Robert.
I really like him. I just can’t figure out if he reminds me of Dave Chappelle, JJ from Good Times (…DDPDynomite!…) or this guy I know who works at Barneys whose dress shirt is always a half-size too big around his neck.
But he’s a riot. Robert, I mean. The Barneys guy…not so much.
All that really mattered about this scene was how much they loved each other…and the dude with the beard and hunting cap busting a move in the background. Did you see that crazy dancing? A moving target never gets shot during deer season, I guess.
Finally, it was Showtime!
The Shower Cap Shuttle pulled up to the venue and it was on.
As Dianna explained it, the Purple Diamonds were being taught to hate the Dancing Dolls, which goes against all the rules of good sportsmanship. They were being trained to talk smack, be disrespectful and come into every competition with a chip already on their shoulders.
Thanks to Director Shanika, they were also apparently being taught how to wear at least 7 shades of eye shadow all at once without ever using the blending end of the brush.
Yowza. That was…something.
Before the Stand Battle even began, the audience was In. Sane. Having two local teams compete on their home turf clearly unleashed all the crazy in their 27 zip codes.
(Google it. They have 27 zip codes. It’s online, so it’s gospel.)
All the DDDs were in the hizzle again. Even Terrell made his second appearance in two weeks. Kayla‘s Daddy was back on track!
Anticipating a rumble and realizing that Seloncé and her stilettos wouldn’t stand a chance against an unruly mob on such a slippery floor, Tin had brought her one of those plastic whistles that only dogs can hear, which I guess will come in handy if the PDs ever release any hounds in the heat of the battle.
Both teams clearly came to win this mutha.
The Element of Surprise is key to winning any Stand Battle, so Dianna had created a couple of new routines to throw at their rivals. The first one involved Sunjai dressed up in a homemade PD costume that was ripped away to reveal her Inner Doll. Never underestimate the power of a glue gun and velcro. I know I don’t.
As the competition progressed, the PDs were growing increasingly aggressive and finally crossed the line with a routine that mimicked an all-out youtube chick fight playground beat down. Not cool. So not cool.
Time to Walk The Dog, y’all.
The Dolls countered with a little bit of canine krunk before blowing their diamond shaped hands into nothingness. Like when Taylor Swift makes that tired, played out old heart with fingers. But this was a diamond. And they destroyed it.
Oh, yeah. They went there.
Poof. Where’d it go? Where’d it go?
The place went completely bazoinkerz and barely calmed down long enough to hear the announcement that the Purple Diamonds had won the Stand Battle.
Wait. What? Not cool, again.
And then it just got ugly. Butt ugly, you could say.
The Purple Diamonds rushed the floor, snagged their trophy and then all turned to spank their substantial booties in the faces of the horrified Dolls. Yeah. That totally happened.
Really? A butt spank? Who does that? And who taught them to do that?
As low class as it was, at least we didn’t have to look at their nasty eye makeup anymore.
But it’s ok. It’s never really losing for Dianna. It’s a Teaching Moment.
After a quick pep talk about humility and self respect, the Dolls all walked their own tired dogs back home and called it a night. Next week they’ll just work harder and get it done.
Because that’s how they do.
Side note: Last week I got chewed out for talking about weaves too much. I think I did much better this week, at least in comparison, so I feel I deserve a gimme.
Dat’s rite. It’s time to walk the dawgs, bitches.
You’re welcome.
DD4L.
