Before you start thinking about scratching that itch, remember that’s her Mama upstairs.
This town ain’t big enough for two Beyoncés, yo.
I have no idea where she got all that sass from. No idea at all.
Either my head just got really big, or these are some tiny opera glasses.
I didn’t even have the heart to tell her those are gift shop binoculars that only show slides of the Grand Canyon.
I don’t care if that boy is taking her to the Moon. If the plan involves a 10 piece bone-in I’ll do it.
Haters gonna hate. Don’t you bitches be jealz that my baby girl is dating the Fruit Of The Loom Grape Guy.
Did you feel it?
The warm fuzzies? I know you did. Because I did.
It was the softer side of Bring It! this week as Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls got all romantical…on and off the gym floor.
And that tingle you felt? It wasn’t just balloon static. It was prom night jitters and the magic of lyrical dance as the Dolls got ready to leave it on the floor.
All of it.
And speaking of. You can leave the bone in, too. Cuz that’s how Miss D likes it.
This week was the Leave It On The Floor Jamboree right around the corner and down the block in Jackson. No traveling, no packing. Nothing. Just the local favorites playing host over at Tougaloo U again.
I keep thinking that was Bullwinkle‘s alma mater, but then at the last minute I always remember he graduated from Wossamotta U. Like Whatsamatta You. But not.
At this latest competition the Dolls would coming up against the Golden Dazzlers, the Protege Jackson All-Stars, the Girls Who Insist On Wearing Raggedy Old Ugg Boots Even When It’s 100 Degrees Out and a new team considered to be their biggest rival for the crown…Virtuous Divine.
(Two words that no one has ever used when talking about me behind my back, BTW.)
The biggest challenge for the Dolls this time around would be the Creative Dance category. Miss D had created a soft, flowy, lyrical jazz routine like the ones you see on So You Think You Can Dance that always make the Hot Tamale Train Lady do an ugly cry.
Dianna even decided to take the girls out of their military issued red and black, sparkly fringed DD4L outfits (…crazy talk, I tell you…) and put them into soft, flowy, lyrical jazz costumes. The kind that aren’t really nightgowns but you’d still probably not wear them to work without a slip on underneath. And a bra. A bra, for sure. And maybe even granny panties, because now that I rewind the tape, they’re pretty flimsy.
A lyrical jazz number also meant that technique was key to a successful performance. Which was fine with Camryn, Crystianna and Sunjai. They were all down wid it.
Our girl Kayla on the other hand? Not so much.
Soft, flowy, angel arms aren’t really her thang.
She’s more of a Oh Hey Now. Welcome To My Yard. You Here For The Milkshakes? kind of gal, which would explain why she used up half her weekly quota of KaylaFaces in the first interview segment.
While the girls got to work inside, the Mamas were outside making the world a better place for the rest of us.
As you’ll recall, Seloncé had missed the last competition because the Real Sunjai and the cardboard cut-out Sunjai had both gone to Prom. Which clearly is a bigger deal than I remember it being when I was young. Was there even such a thing as ‘Prom’ before selfies or did the Kardashians invent it?
Full disclosure: I went to my junior high junior prom (…yes, that’s what they called it…) all by myself because some bitch broke up with me a week before the dance. And she was the only other person there flying solo. That wasn’t awkward at all.
And now you can all feel guilty for not only refusing to pay for this blog and helping it turn a profit, but also for making me dredge up all the memories that I had successfully suppressed for all these years.
I wish I had known about the cardboard cut-out princess trend back then, because I totally would have propped a fake Sunjai up against the table and shown that 8th grade (bleep) that I was already moving on and it was her loss.
PS. Years later, she’s unhappily married with a monkey baby named Karma.
So, yeah. Winning.
As Seloncé rambled on and on, it’s Rittany bitch and I were beginning to wonder if maybe Sunjai’s Mama really did throw on a ball gown at the last minute and sneak into the Prom through a back door. I couldn’t tell. And Mimi was no help because she was just running around being all Mimi.
Which was Awe. Some.
Peaking through the windows, it looked as though all the girls were picking up on the lyrical choreography except Kayla, who seemed a little distracted.
Turns out that her boyfriend Mo (…yes, like the Stooge. They pointed that out early…) had not yet asked her to the Prom, which was kind of a big deal seeing as how Jackson apparently has Proms and Hip Hop Majorette Competitions every weekend during the academic year.
But have no fear. Mama Tina had it all under control. Even though she was not a big fan of her baby girl growing up, she had worked out an elaborate plot with 1/3 of the Stooges that would allow him to surprise Kayla at the Dollhouse and pop the question.
Not THE question. Just the PROM question.
The set up was that Mo would text Tina when he arrived. Tina would then call inside to Dianna, who had skipped lunch so she could chow down on a 10 pc. bone-in dinner with fries and Coke, all in the name of Young Love. Miss D would then send Kayla across the street to Wings ‘R Us or something, where KJ would pick up some takeout and steal all Dianna’s change while Mo snuck into the studio with a million Fruit of the Loom balloons and a haircut that reminded me of Little Bow Wow.
It was like they were invading another country it was so elaborate.
And it worked!
When Kayla came back with a bag of snacks and no change, Mo was standing there like a holiday underwear commercial while the girls laid on the floor and spelled out the word “PROM” with their bodies in a human crop circle.
I know, right? Not gonna lie. Got a little misty.
Duh. She said YES.
And before any prom, you always go to the spa for a facial. Unless you’re going alone with no friends in the 8th grade, I mean. Then you just lay in the dark and hope your salty tears don’t make Clearasil run into your eyeballs.
But if you’re Sunjai and Kayla, you hit the Aqua Spa and get covered in guacamole. They make cute BFFs.
Twenty four hours later and it was Prom Night. Little Mo Mo showed up at Kayla’s house with a tight new ‘do, a frilly corsage and hint of Old Spice and flop sweat. He was promptly greeted at the door by my boy Terrell and his sideways baseball cap.
And what I believe was the Spanish Inquisition.
I love Terrell. He ‘s one of those Teddy Bear Baby Daddies that wouldn’t hurt a fly unless you try and put the moves on his Baby Girl. And then the hat…and all bets…are off.
He snuggled right up to Mo on the couch and grilled him so hard that one of Mo’s braids came undone. But Mo’s intentions were good. No spiking the punch. No hands under the table. Not even much breathing while Terrell was all up in his grill.
When Kayla came downstairs…dang, girl. She looked gooooood. Of all her KaylaFaces, KaylaPromFace was the prettiest so far.
And her gown matched the artwork on the back wall. No lie. Check the selfies.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And time to meet Virtuous Divine Director Fulvia.
(Side note: Since I’m clearly not going to be able to quit my day job and live off this hot mess of site, I’m thinking I should hire myself out as a Human Name Generating Machine for shows like Toddlers & Tiaras and Bring It! because they have the best names evah.)
Fulvia had some crazy a** crisscross leggings on and looked like she should be on VH1 for some reason. No particular show. And no particular reason. She just had the look.
The VD’s Creative Dance routine had a salsa flavor to it, complete with capes and costumes that should have come with roses between their teeth. Clap Clap!
The Dolls, on the other hand, were dressed in their Anti-Doll nighties, all baby blue and flowing lyrically every which way around the back room. Totes Gorge, girls. Whoever does all that elaborate swirly eye makeup needs a raise. Dianna actually tweeted out who does the artwork one time, but I forget.
Out in the auditorium, it was SRO. Only Tina was MIA. She had to work. I guess she was covering Rittany’s shift as an IOU.
Mimi was being Mimi again. Which was still awesome again, while Seloncé was trying to check out the competition through a pair of those tiny little binoculars that hang off the key rings you can buy at any Jackson Visitor Center rest stop vending machine.
They’re impossible to see through, especially when they’re upside down and three feet away from your face with the lens cap still attached.
It was truly a Seloncé Moment that did not go unnoticed by Rittany. Seloncé is crazy. But the good kind. The kind that ends up in a hospital after they kill you. Not jail.
That kind of crazy.
Seriously. Why can’t this show be two hours?
(Shout out to JJ! Looking fly there in the audience, dude. )
Then VD hit the floor and the crowd freaked out. (The more you read that last sentence, the more unintentionally hilarious it gets in a CDC pandemic outbreak kind of way…)
Q. Does Tougaloo U even have a basketball team? Anybody know? Because if they do, I don’t know when they can hold games with Dianna hogging the gym every weekend. Maybe they only do away games. I should do some research on that later.
Both VD and the Dolls did great in the Creative category. There was one tricky upside down half scorpion one leg bent flip thing that Miss D had put into the grand finale that Kayla nailed. During rehearsals KJ usually ended up sitting on Tamia‘s head, so it was a nail biter right ’til the end on that one.
Someone else wobbled a little, but the base held onto her leg. (My TLC CheerFriends will be proud that after all these years I finally know what a ‘base’ is, thank you.)
And then the Stand Battle hit the court.
The Dolls were back in black. And red. Even the powder blue eye makeup was gone and replaced with shades of DD4L. That was impressive. It takes me two days to get a Sharpie off my fingers but they made a complete shift to the other end of the Pantone scale in about 30 seconds while I was in the kitchen getting a snack.
Shandreika, Virtuous Divine Captain, proved that you can never wear too much gold eye shadow or have too many letters in your name. She was really pretty and had some serious moves on the dance floor. The most notable one being holding up a co-VD dancer for 45 minutes over her head.
Which is what the whole team did. No lie.
They tossed this little girl up into a split and just held her there while she pointed at Kayla all like WhatchooGotNow?
Nobody knew what to do. Do the Dolls start the next Stand? Do they just watch the little girl sit there for another 15 minutes? Do I have time to go downstairs and put my last load in the dryer?
Are you done? Are you done now? How ’bout now?
Whatsamatta U?
Eventually, Virtuous Divine lost all feeling in their arms and dropped the little girl, but not before I had ironed my clothes for the rest of the week and Tina had finished her shift and already gone home.
And then the Dolls won Creative!
And then the Dolls won Stand Battle!
One and Two. Done and done.
A clean sweep.
Now go home and rest up, little cowgirls.
Because next week is Nashville, y’all.
DD4L!
