Gurrrrl, Imma gon’ need your glasses cuz I swear that’s the lady who just had four babies.
Double Ds. Get it?
I buzz the fade and y’all complaining about my boobs and shoes now? Srsly? Point yo’ toes.
Santa must’ve got your letter…cuz Booty Pop Barbie ’bout to come out the damn box, Bitch.
Guess I can check “Dance Mom doing a somersault into a Nicki Minaj Split” off my Bucket List now.
Dang, that is some fine British meat on that boy. And you know how Mama does love her BBQ.
This damn dress looked hella more comfortable in the X-Men movie. How much more time?
With apologies to Lorde, of course.
“And we wanna win Royale (Royale)
It don’t run without thug,
That Second Place just ain’t for us.
We crave a different kind of Buck.”
All aboard the Bring It! National A** Kicking Tour Bus for one last trip.
It’s time to pat your weaves and pack your caps, kidz. And don’t forget your Big Girl Drawers…you’re definitely gonna need those once the party starts.
Because it’s The Battle Royale. And it’s on.
You heard me. The season-ending mutha of all Hip Hop Majorette competitions just went down and Dianna Williams and her team were working and twerking their A-Game as they got ready to face off against their biggest rivals one last time.
The Divas of Olive Branch. The Purple Diamonds. And the YCDT Supastarz.
All the Dancing Dolls‘ most infamous arch enemies were back and conspiring against Miss D and her faithful sidekicks in one final battle of Good (Dancing) vs. Bad (Dancing.)
Like on the old Batman tv show when colorful villains would sit around in their colorful costumes in colorful clubhouses and plot revenge against our heroes.
A lot like that, actually.
There was even a master of disguise trying to trick us with a completely new hairstyle and one feline arch nemesis wearing a painted-on latex body suit eleven days after giving birth. But no Utility Belt Shark Repellant anywhere. Which was unfortunate since at least one coach could have used a squirt or two right in the eye for throwing shade every time she opened her mouth. Because she IS the Diva, you know.
Na na na na na na na na Neva!
With only a few days to go before the Battle Royale (… ‘BR’ from here on out because I’m already getting lazy…) Dianna and her team got right down to bidnezz as soon as the credits rolled. This competition was Big. Really Big.
So big that Dianna even momentarily deactivated the DDP Electric fence that normally prevents any of the Mamas from making it inside the building during routine practices.
You heard me. Do not adjust your set, because there’s nothing wrong with the picture.
There were actual Mamas inside the Dollhouse Dance Factory. Inside.
And they were invited? That’s just crazy.
Dianna wanted the Mamas to hear all the deets on the upcoming competition firsthand before frostbite set in, so she broke her own rule and let the Mamas have some heat.
I say it all the time. I’ll never understand how Jackson weather can go from summer to winter and then back again in the same episode. But it always does.
And the other thing I say every week: How much do we love these Mamas?
Mimi was bundled up like a cold squishy little marshmallow. Hooty Hooty Hoo It’s Cold Out Der. My girl Tina was rocking some kind of beanie/scarf/turban thing that I swear one of the more obscure smaller international teams wore during the Opening Ceremonies at last year’s Sochi Winter Olympics. Seloncé appeared to have just returned from a ski vacation in Aspen with Cher. Rittany must have been working again, since she was MIA.
And Tawantza had way too much of a smoky eye going on for that early in the evening.
After covering the basics, Miss D revealed the two biggest takeaways for the week:
One. There were going to be celebrity judges at the BR. Famous people!
Spoiler Alert: It wasn’t a Destiny’s Child reunion. But still…celebrities.
And Two. Some lucky Dancing Doll was going to be awarded a full 4 year scholarship to DeSales University, complete with room and board, at an upcoming scholarship audition.
A free ride to the dance degree of their dreams? Yes, please.
Which was huge. A full scholarship could not only change the entire path of somebody’s life, but also free up enough of Camryn‘s savings account to allow her the opportunity to buy Mama an inhaler, since Mimi just ’bout got the vapors when she heard the news.
Since this was the Ultimate Competition, it called for the Ultimate Secret Weapon(s).
Say it with me: Mimi and Tina were going to be dancing in the Stand Battle.
Mimi. And Tina. Dancing. Lawd, now what’d I do with my inhaler?
Just thinking about it was almost too much for me, because I still haven’t completely recovered from this yet.
And definitely not this. Not even close on this one.
Needless to say, I got myself a little worked up.
And a little aggravated that this show is STILL only one hour long. What’s it gonna take, people?
As everyone tried to process the awesomeness that was now guaranteed to soon come our way, there was just enough time to scoot out of town and check in on the competition.
Down in Miami, Traci Young-Byron and her YCDT Supastarz were still smack talking the Dolls every chance they got. Traci had weed-whacked her signature pencil eraser fade and was now rocking some asymmetrically challenged side shaved weave that always looked like it was on crooked.
(Relax…that was a joke. I know that’s how it’s supposed to fit, but every once in awhile it still looked like the tag was in the front.)
But it was sassy. And I really liked the color. And it totally complimented her sparkly, sequined camo track suit. Which, when you think about it, pretty much defeated the whole purpose of dressing in camo.
I have no doubt that Traci could gut a deer in record time, but I’m thinking she probably doesn’t actually do much hunting.
Side note: I loooove the fact that Traci has her face embroidered on every jacket. And the fact that at least one person is still not going to realize I’m kidding about her sideways hair and send me hate mail anyway. I’ll be patiently awaiting your beat down. Just use spellcheck, please.
Don’t get me wrong. I really like Traci, even though the thirst is still real. Girlfriend definitely likes her camera time, but last week when she swallowed her pride (…and the rest of her gummy worms…) and gave the Dolls props in their battle against the Purple Diamonds, she started to grow on me.
And speaking of things growing. How about that tiny tube top she was wearing?
Put those things away before someone gets hurt, honey. There’s kids in the car.
Next up was a quick drive-by past the Purple Diamonds studio, where Coach Shanika Lee was showing off her post-baby body again. For someone who went almost two full years before finally giving birth, this lady was looking just fine. And I’m sure it was nice to deliver a baby that was already potty trained. Congratulations, again.
And finally, we took it to church. The Church of Neva the Diva.
Oh, Neva. You crazy.
I swear. That woman. Half the time I don’t know if she’s preaching or bringing in aircraft. Arms going. Hair going. Feet going. Booty kinda sorta going.
Spoiler Alert: When Neva and the Divas entered the venue for the BR, they came in so loud and proud, clanking things together and yelling in unison that I thought it was somebody’s birthday at a Mexican restaurant. Am I right?
Bonus Points were immediately given to whoever that little minion guy is who always follows Neva around. He was really into it this week. Really.
Especially during the birthday party part.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Well, actually, the DeSales University Scholarship Auditions were next, where Camryn, Crystianna, Kayla and Sunjai cranked it out on stage for John and Tim from DU in a Glee meets American Idol Hollywood Week kind of thing.
One. The Mamas (…and Baby Daddy JJ, who didn’t get nearly enough screen time, mmmkay?…) give THE best pre-game pep talks. I love the MamaLove and DaddyLove portions of each episode. They’re the meat and potatoes of the Bring It! Meal.
Two. Crystianna and Kayla both scored $20,000 scholarships. Everyone freaked.
Three. Camryn and Sunjai both scored FULL 4 year scholarships and Mimi cried like a baby. And maybe I did a little when nobody was looking. Or maybe it was just allergies.
Yeah. It was probably allergies.
Finally, it was really Showtime!
Shanika showed up wearing an animal print blazer from the Wilma Flintstone/Jersey Shore couture line and not much else. Again…buh bye, baby fat.
Traci had a bleeped-out motivational moment with her girls on the bus before heading into the auditorium. Sometimes when I watch Traci I swear I’m watching a Saturday Night Live skit. Or I should be anyway, because she’s a made-for-tv hoot who could totally bring ratings up and give the network censor guy some serious job security.
Neva and the Divas did that Mexican Birthday thing I told you about earlier. Please tell me you saw the crowd at the bottom of the stairs looking all like WTF? as the Olive Branch waitresses headed upstairs with the cake.
Oh, Neva. You still crazy.
Side note: If I had known that there was only one emcee in the entire hip hop majorette network, I probably would have sent Lifetime my LinkedIn url, because that same dude was back again hosting the Battle Royale.
He’s like the Ryan Seacrest of the Central Time Zone or something.
He introduced the three celebrity judges and the crowd went spaz.
Jay Sean, the British singer/rapper who looks like somebody from one of the cooking shows where you win your own restaurant but I forget which one. Kat DeLuna, who you know must go completely bulls*** every time people confuse her with Shakira. And Gilbert Salvidar, who had me at ‘Janet Jackson.’
Side note: Please tell me you saw Kat strike that end-of-the-runway hand on hip pose when she finished her little interview snippet. You know she does it all the time. Thank you for calling the offices of Boom Boom and Pow. Hilarious.
The first match was the Dolls vs. the Purple Diamonds. And their coaches, yo.
Dat’s rite. Shanika hit the stage in a shrink-wrapped body suit and stilettos and dropped it on the floor waaaaay faster and harder than she did that baby. I really thought Tawantza was gonna have to be escorted out of the building when she saw what a skinny bitch Shanika was now.
Not to be outdone, Miss D followed up with that one leg in the air thing they always do on Dance Moms and then sealed the deal with a Death Drop that guaranteed the Dolls would be moving on to the second round.
Side note: I think I forgot to mention that Dianna’s shoes were bigger than her pink dress.
Hubba Hubba, Miss D.
The second match was Neva’s Divas vs. YCDT. The Olive Branch girls lost and Traci had on some crazy yellow shoes that nobody else in the western hemisphere could pull off but Traci. Haters gonna hate, but she is FIERCE. All in caps. And probably sparkly like her hunting ensemble.
Unfortunately for the Diva’s, even Neva’s Halle Berry meets Tina Turner leather Thunderdome dress with the chain link feather epaulet thingamabobs didn’t have enough mutant superpower to beat the enemy down.
Which meant that it all came down to the Dolls vs. YCDT.
And a couple of Mamas-In-A-Box.
Full disclosure: I may have blacked out for a second when Mimi and Tina burst through the front of two giant American Girl boxes it was so good. That’s how you make an entrance, haters.
Tina was spinning me ’round ’round like a record, baby. Just like the old days.
Mimi was backin’ dat thang up like she just overshot a highway exit ramp or something.
Stick a fork in it. I’m done.
I swear. If Tina doesn’t do that same split when we take Mimi out clubbing I am gonna lose my nutty right there on the dance floor.
It didn’t even matter that the Dolls ended up losing to YCDT. Not a bit.
Because every team gave their best and that’s what really matters at the end of the day. And every competition has to have at least a hint of a lesson or it’s not even worth packing the bus. Because that’s how Dianna do.
And then the show was over. And so was the season.
Which meant that Kayla and Sunjai would be graduating soon and moving on. Leaving the Dolls behind. And leaving the rest of us in denial.
No more Bring It! and no more Kayla or Sunjai?
We’re gonna have to discuss this later. Now’s not a good time.
Hopefully I’ll pull it together by July.