And Lawd, please. Just one weekend without a DDBaby spilling their juice box. I’m a dancer not a dry cleaner.
Insert your own Tina Wig Joke Here:___. But make it totally awesome, because she’s awesome. My blog. My rules.
Hell No. She cuts my baby and I’ll dance myself. I’m wearing a leotard and two pairs of Spanx right now.
You know the hot Mom? Yeah. On the Crazy Scale she’s probably up here somewhere. But dang…she be fine.
Shut. Up. Tina’s been wearing wigs all this time?
Do your best, baby. And if you forget the moves, just blink and blind them with that nasty a** gold eyeshadow, ‘kay?
I don’t even care who wins this damn thing now. We just got 2.3 Million Total Viewers! Suck on that, bitches…!
Whew.
That was close.
The day before the Bring It! Season Finale aired, Lifetime Television announced that 10 more episodes of this redoinkulously addictive show would be coming soon.
So it wasn’t really over for good. Just over for a little while.
And that I can handle.
Otherwise, it wouldn’t have been pretty if I thought this was really the final…final…episode. I’m already having some separation anxiety issues over leaving my crazy Pittsburgh Dance Moms behind for the Summer, so if I had to leave the DDPs on the side of the strip mall curb as well, I’m not sure what would have happened.
Especially since I’m nowhere near finished picking up on all the choreography.
That’s right. You think the club can’t handle me now? Just wait until I Tailspin some Robot Dog Walking on the parquet next time I hit up the Ramada for Happy Hour.
Yeah. You should be scared.
This week was the Big One. The Battle Royale.
Royal. But with an ‘E’ at the end. So you know they meant business.
Headed back to Memphis (…say it with me: “Again”…) for the Ultimate Hip Hop Cage Fight, Dianna Williams and her Team would be coming face to face with all their fiercest competitors from the past season, so they were already hard at work as soon as the credits stopped rolling.
The Dolls would be going up against the Ladies of Excellence, the Divas of Olive Branch, the Prancing Tigerettes and the Girls Who Always Seem To Leave The House With Lipstick On Their Teeth for the biggest prize in the biggest showdown the South had ever seen.
The judges for the event were all going to be professionals in the industry, so being seen at the competition could be a great stepping stone towards a career in dance or the performing arts. Dianna was excited. The girls were excited. And the Moms were wound tighter than Rittany‘s new braids.
Rittany. Love. Her. She didn’t have her braids screwed in the entire time, but when she did I could totally picture her at closing time running through Target in slow motion like Bo Derek on the beach.
Really. Don’t even try to figure out the sidewalk situation. Just enjoy it.
The hair and the outfits keep changing so often that I don’t even know what day or season it is anymore. And after all these years of still trying to figure out how to open my Excel program, making a spreadsheet isn’t gonna happen.
One minute Human Spy Satellite Mimi is wearing her white DDP dental exam jacket and the next minute she’s bundled up like she’s going ice fishing at Disneyland.
Mimi. Love. Her. The way she flails her arms around in that puffy jacket like a kid at recess, I hope she’s got mitten clips attached to that thing or she’s going to end up with a drawer full of left handed knitwear by Spring. And can we all just agree right now that nobody can rock two big balls on their head like our girl, Mimi? Nobody.
After a week of going kinda sorta au naturale, Tina and her blindingly neon wig were back with a vengeance and I couldn’t have been happier.
You know I love me a good hairpiece. Especially when it’s the same color as sour gummy worms and can be quickly removed during a fight.
Removed…Snatched. Potatoe…Potahhhtoe.
Tina. Love. Her. If her weave is even half as bright as her kid’s future, then you know Kayla is destined for greatness. Mama raised a good one there.
And then there was Seloncé.
Srsly. That bitch is so crazy that I just want to marry her, move to CrazyTown and have 20 crazy babies. Love. Her. Especially when (…Spoiler Alert!…) she loses her marbles and gets her freak on. Stay tuned.
Back inside, Dianna was working on the Secret Weapon for this week’s competition:
The Baby Dolls!
Yaaaaas, hunty! The Dancing Dolls…once again in Toddler sizes and back for even more Teletubby Twerking.
These little nuggets are da bomb. So. Cute. Dot. Com.
This time around the Baby Dolls would all be wearing fuzzy little petting zoo tails safety pinned to their Baby Booties as they crawled out from under the Big Girls in a new stand aptly entitled Tailspin. Just watching them rehearse it one time almost put me into a diabetic coma they were so sweet.
After weeks of hard work, smiley Sunjai finally made Stand Cuts and pretty much broke through the plate glass window on her way outside to tell Mom Seloncé the news.
Can you say ‘Halleloo?’ Seloncé danced down the sidewalk with Sunjai and then dropped to her knees like it was Sunday Service and then got back up and danced some more. Maybe it was just me, but she seemed fairly excited that her daughter had finally made it to the finish line.
It should also be noted that right here was when somebody decided to run a commercial for Wendy’s. F’realz. I literally watched the entire thing before I realized that it wasn’t Tina and her Pippi Longstocking wig who were flipping the burgers. The irony of the situation was not lost on me, even though I did momentarily wonder why the Moms were all having a cookout on the sidewalk in the middle of Winter.
I don’t know who planned that one, but they need a raise right now.
With time running out before the competition, Mimi still had to scoot Camryn out for an audition at a local performing arts school.
Cammie wants to make this whole bidnezz her career, so they all headed over to APAC (…sumthin ‘Performing Arts‘ sumthin I imagine…) where she got her Kids From Fame on in front of the judges.
Mimi’s kid is a patootie, so I hope it all goes well. They probably won’t let her wear that gigantic red gift wrap bow on her head while she’s there, but I’m sure she’ll adjust to the environment if she gets accepted into the program. Fingers are crossed.
Finally, it was Showtime! And old home week!
I’m not even going to mention the shower caps again, because clearly some readers didn’t pick up on the hilarity last time. Obviously I know the difference between a shower cap and a sleeping cap. And a baseball cap and a bottle cap.
And even a night cap, thank you. Der.
Nothing else on my site makes any sense. Why would comments about wearing shower caps on a tour bus be any different? Girl, bye.
All your favorite coaches and teams walked up the plank and into the ship like it was some kind of hip hop Love Boat.
There was Quincy and the Tigerettes. The girls were all hyper and our boy still had his Verizon hands-free plug stuck in his ear. I’m starting to wonder if he can even get it out to change the batteries. He either had the very beginnings of a faux hawk or some funky hat head going on up there. And a pretty fly bow tie.
Neva and the Divas (…I just rhymed the name of the next great Girl Group without even realizing it…) also entered the building like rockstars. A couple week ago, Neva was the one who had whipped her hair all around the room like the drunk one on Moms Night Out. The Divas were the Team who had flashed their hoo has to everyone in the cheap seats at a previous competition. I’m sure you remember all that VaJaJay goodness.
And bringing up the rear was Brittany and the Ladies of Excellence. We never really saw too much of them this season. Brittany was the coach who’s eyes were always red and watery every time she was on camera. She either needs new swimming goggles or a better filter for her bedroom air conditioner. Not having the car vents blow directly into your face would probably help, too.
Or maybe Brittany had just stared directly into the metallic gold eyeshadow that the Divas were wearing when they arrived. What the What was that all about?
Clearly, Neva loves her SyFy Channel fashions. More (…dilithium crystal…) power to her, I say. But that shadow? Really? Step away from the gold leafing and nobody gets hurt.
Backstage, Dianna ran the Stand Battle one more time. Better safe than sorry, right?
The short version: Sunjai got cut minutes before the performance.
The long version: Seloncé found out Sunjai got cut minutes before the performance, blew a nutty and stormed off in search of Dianna. Her ex JJ was definitely Home Boy Stylin’ in his camouflage ensemble, but totally useless when it came to stopping his Baby Mama as she tore up the staircase like that scene in Rocky.
If Sylvester Stallone had been wearing skin tight white jeans and a dual-toned weave and waving his arms above his head like Oprah Winfrey did when Obama got elected, I mean. Then it would have been exactly like that scene in Rocky.
Needless to say, ain’t nobody got time for dat. Dianna shoved Seloncé right back out the door and into the hallway, where Mimi came to her rescue with an inhaler and some supportive Girl Talk.
Mimi had her hair all pinned and curled up like those women do at Walmart when they go early to beat the crowds. But she also had the same earring that Janet Jackson wore one time on Good Morning America so she scored extra points and made up for not wearing her shower cap in public like she’s supposed to.
Finally, it was really Showtime.
The judges filed onto the stage. The crowd went nuts and I realized that I either have never watched Hit The Floor or it’s not offered as part of my cable package.
Memo to self: Google the judges.
First Round: Divas vs. Ladies. Say buy bye, Ladies.
Second Round: Dolls and Baby Dolls vs. Tigerettes.
It wasn’t Quincy’s day. Plus…Baby Dolls rule. I think there were even a few extra points given just for the spaz that Mimi, Rittany, Tina and Seloncé were throwing out in the audience. Seriously. Where were these chicks when I was singing in chorus? Damn.
Which meant that the Dancing Dolls and the Divas of Olive Branch were in the Finals!
And then it was on.
Clearly, the Divas had been practicing. And they pretty much kept all the leg spreading to one routine done on those self-stacking hotel banquet chairs. But it was a classy one that didn’t offend an easily offended judge, I guess. At least that’s what she said.
The only part that offended me was that now every time I go to a wedding I’m going to wonder what kind of action my chair has seen.
But the Dolls were killing it, too.
One judge even said they were Swaggy, so take that Justin Bieber.
Throughout the entire round, Neva was either filming the showdown or taking selfies. It was hard to tell at the angle she was holding her iPhone. Hope the flash didn’t reflect off her Starfleet Commander epaulets.
When the Final Round Stand Battle was over, it took the judges For. Ev. Er . to announce the winner.
Drumroll…
The Divas of Olive Branch.
Wait. What?
Neva and the Divas went ca-razy and then left to cut their first demo record.
It was a devastating blow for the Dolls. And for me. I think I cried more than little Camryn did. I just didn’t look as cute doing it, trust me.
Backstage, Dianna once again turned a loss into a teaching moment.
Probably her best one yet.
Sometimes you win even when you don’t.
The judges dropped by to give a pep talk and commended Miss D on the amazingly talented group of girls she had on her Team.
Duh. We already knew that, people. What else you got?
Don’t get me wrong. Winning is better than losing. Waaaaay better. But Dianna loves the girls like family. To the Moon and back. And she’s just going to keep driving them to be better and better.
Because that’s how Champions do, mmmkay?
Then it was off to the showers. With real shower caps, thank you. Game Over.
For now.
If I were you, I’d fix that nasty weave and get ready for next season.
Cuz it’s gonna be off the hook.
Don’t cry, baby. They’ll be back soon.
DD4L.
