Don’t know if we’ll win, but I know it’s too damn hot to be standing on a golf course in a bow tie.
Put your coat on that empty seat. I don’t want that crazy bitch sitting anywhere near us.
Excuse me? Can you all not see me sitting right here in my glitter glasses? I totally heard you.
I know, right? Srsly. Because that wasn’t awkward at all.
Don’t even talk to me. Just go to the snack bar and get me this many bags of Peanut M&M’s.
I’m hoping to pop out this baby during Season Seven. That way she’ll already be potty trained.
All I know is that OctoMom is gonna push out a whole new purple team before you finish.
Boom! Bam! Pow! Bloop!
Watch yo’ back, NeNe. And you too, Kenya.
There’s some really fierce, really new Real Housewives taking over Atlanta and every last one of them is Gone With The Wind Fabulous. Really.
It was the Dance or Buck Off Competition in ATL this week (…all the kool kidz call it ATL, BTW…) and Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were pretty pumped for their first trip to the Peach State capital.
Personally, I don’t know much about Atlan…I mean, ATL…beyond that time Shereé almost snatched Kim‘s wig outside some restaurant and the night Porsha dragged Kenya and her bullhorn all over the studio floor by her own (…allegedly…) real God-given hair.
But apparently, back in the days when people weren’t yanking and slapping and snatching each other into unconsciousness at local eateries, ATL was the birthplace of Dance.
Because Dianna said so. And she knows her shizz.
So going to ATL was a big dealio, especially since the Dolls would be coming face to face with not only their hometown rivals the Purple Diamonds, but also the Dancing Stars Elite, the Dazzling Diamonds, the Atlanta Bomb Squad (…the Dancing ones, not the Homeland Security ones…) and the Girls Who Always Try And Pass Off Wendy’s Chili As Their Own Homemade During Holiday Office Parties.
The last time Miss D and the Dolls battled the Purple Diamonds, Coach Shanika Lee was 63 weeks pregnant and the PDs took First Place in the competition. Which meant that the Dolls did not. And that wasn’t cool.
This time around, Dianna wanted to make sure that all their Stands were on point, since the assumption was that the top two teams in Jackson would once again end up battling for the grand prize at the end of the day.
And the best way to guarantee that the Dolls would be ready for battle was to let Kayla focus on the team routines while smiley Camryn handled the One Woman Show category, in effect turning what I thought always had to be a Captain’s Solo into an I Wanna Be Captain When Kayla Leaves Solo, I guess.
I’m not really sure how the rules work, so that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
As Miss D and the girls got down to bidnezz, we did a quick drive-by across town to check in on the Purple Diamonds. And to boil some water, just in case.
Srsly. Shanika was still pregnant.
Granted, since this show is notorious for not always keeping it 100 when it comes to filming in proper continuity (…Spoiler Alert: I’m gonna blow my nutty a little later once everyone gets to the competition…) I’m not really sure if Shanika was still pregnant, or pregnant again, or if she is just one of those women you see in the Food Court who is always pregnant.
Regardless, Shanika was 72 weeks pregnant now, but still putting her girls through the motions like she was only 70 weeks.
L’Eggo my Preggo, si vous plait.
Purple Diamonds Captain Natalya was still large and in charge. She was copping a little bit of an attitude towards the Dolls, but I’ll blame it on the video equipment. Since I’ll cross the street against traffic just to walk behind a Weather Channel guy and wave to my homies during a live snow storm broadcast, I really can’t deduct points from anyone who likes to ham it up on camera.
So you go, girl. And shout out to Jim Cantore for not calling the cops during the last blizzard. Thunder Snow, baby. Thunder Snow.
Back at the Dollhouse, there was all kinds of goodness going down. And also the beginnings of a small rift in Lifetime Television’s Time Space Continuity Continuum when it’s Rittany bitch showed up on the sidewalk in her signature acid washed Mom Jean Skirt and half of Twitter imploded.
Was it the same outfit from a few weeks ago? Were all the Mamas wearing the same thing from the last episode or does my homegirl Mimi just own that shredded State Fair tank top in every color? Is this entire season filmed in one day and then cut up into 24 equal portions? Hashtag: BringItGate. I swear.
I can’t. It makes my head hurt. Who cares. That’s why they call it ‘television.’
Plus, I love these Mamas way too much to get into a 140 character or less smackdown with all the grammar-challenged haters out there.
How about this tweet from me and Tina: Change the F***ing Channel.
If the show drives you that crazy, flip the switch. That will solve your problem and it just saved me 114 characters. Plus, it will free up all my Mamas so they can stop responding to your tired tweets and focus on sneaking me into the next Baby Dolls auditions.
(Hey, Taelar! How you do, Boo?)
Anyway.
Outside the Dollhouse, the Original Recipe Mamas (…totally swiped that from my other Dance Moms gig…) were making it clear they didn’t feel any ‘newbie’ dancers should be part of the Stand Battle considering that they were going up against such strong competition this week.
Newsflash: ZaTia is a newbie. And her Mama Tawantza is a newbie.
And her Mama is kray-zee.
Right about now was also when Tawantza overheard the other women talking…and when ZaTia struggled and ended up not making Stand Battle cuts…and when Jim Cantore ran behind Mimi screaming something about The Perfect Storm.
AwHellNah. Here it comes, yo.
Tawantza took all that kray-zee right through the front door and asked her baby girl why she wasn’t giving it 100%. But she was, Mama. She was. Not she’s wasn’t. Oy.
Side note: Maybe ZaTia can’t keep up with the Big Girls because she has more hair than head going on up there. I mean…she’s so little. And her hair’s so…not little. By my calculations, the Hair to Head Ratio is way off. That has to do something to your equilibrium I would think. She’s such a cutie, tho. Love.
And since you asked…
Things I’ve learned since this show began: Don’t tug on Superman’s cape. Don’t spit into the wind. Don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger.
And don’t get Mimi all wound up. Just. Don’t.
But Tawantza did. And it was pretty whack.
Mimi tried to make Tawantza understand how things work on and off the Dollhouse sidewalk, but ZaTia’s Mama wasn’t having it.
Because she’s not New To This. She’s True To This.
Gah. Is there anything that comes out of these ladies mouths that isn’t worthy of its own glitter glue t-shirt? Please make this show 7 hours long and give it its own Easy shop so I can do all my holiday shopping online this year.
I swear when anyone talks to Tawantza all she hears is Charlie Brown’s teacher. But instead of Mwah Mwah Mwah, it’s probably more like MmmKay MmmKay MmmKay.
All kinds of hilarity ensued when Mimi tried to get through to Tawantza, but the only thing that really mattered were all the cartoon faces that Mimi made, most of which I’m certain no Disney animator had ever seen before this week’s episode.
Like this one.
And this one.
And especially this one, which is totally my new screensaver.
With only one day left before ATL, Camryn was still struggling with her solo. So much so that Dianna pulled her off the routine entirely. I hate seeing Cammie cry, especially since she knows her stuff. And before anyone goes all 140 characters on me again, let me make it clear that she cried because she’s a perfectionist, not because she’s a crybaby.
So there.
Dianna also told the Dolls to “Look at them heifers like you’re unbothered” and I died a little because I didn’t think of it first.
Before everyone left for ATL, we scooted over to Dianna’s house for a little late night family time. The take-away from this scene, aside from stressing the importance of a healthy work/family balance, was to give the rest of us hope that someday we too can find someone who has no problem frying us up some chicken when it’s already past our bedtime.
Srsly, gurl. It’s almost 9:30 at night. That s*** gonna give you nightmares.
Miss D’s husband Robert also called Dianna his ‘Mammy,’ but I’m not touching that one with a ten foot selfie stick. Dianna’s face, tho.
Finally, it was Showtime!
The Atlanta Bomb Squad showed up and I swear Isaac Hayes was their coach. Dude was massive, but his bow tie somehow turned him into a Teddy Bear. The ATL humidity was a bit much for him, but he showed mad love for his girls and that made me smile.
The Lovejoy Dancing Diamonds brought along this one hyper white girl who temporarily broke the internet. She was a hoot (…a Co-Captain maybe?…) who reminded me of those salon girls who are always first on the dance floor as soon as the Ramada house band starts playing Earth, Wind & Fire during 5 – 7 Happy Hour every Thirsty Thursday.
When she was side by side with this other girl (…Alana or Anastasia? You tell me…) talking smack about the Dolls in their interview sniglets, that “One of These Things is Not Like the Other” song from Sesame Street just kept ringing in my ears.
I’m almost positive the other one used to date Prince, I just don’t have time to fact check.
Love. This. Show.
The Dazzling Divas also arrived in style. Before the competition even began, Coach Isis took the award for the Most Unfortunate Name Ever That Her Parents Had No Idea Would Be A Problem Years From Now trophy. The awkwardness of having to keep yelling ‘Isis’ in a crowded auditorium was more than made up for by her delightful Carol Channing glasses.
Side note: I’d really like to see more Isis this season, but I don’t dare send Lifetime an email because you just saw how that sentence sounded when it came out of my mouth.
In the auditorium, watching Mimi and Tawantza give each other Side Eye as everyone settled into the bleachers was worth the price of admission alone. Thankfully, Mimi’s level head kept the situation under control and Tawantza’s eyebrows kept her blue eye shadow from going all the way up into her hair line.
What was that all about? You see dat? Crazy Smurf.
Then that white girl from Sesame Street did her Co-Captain’s Solo and things got weird.
Now you know I love me my Mamas. And this ain’t a diss against them…at all…because they’re too busy being awesome to edit the show themselves in post-production.
But what the what?
All of the sudden we had the same backstage scene from a couple weeks ago with my girl Tina sitting on the bed all wrapped up tighter than a scallop in bacon, talking about the Stand Battle and all the drama involved in the competition.
Lifetime just got sketchy.
Was this part even filmed in ATL? Or was the last episode with this same scene the faked out one? Granted, it didn’t really matter since it was Tina and she gives me LIFE, hunty.
But, c’mon. Was this an intentional goof? Did I make it up? Did I accidentally sit on the remote and turn on my DVR? Am I having a stroke?
My two pet peeves: When your edges aren’t laid and your editing is a hot mess.
This is why I have trust issues.
In the first round of Stands, the Dolls easily beat the team from Lovejoy and moved on to the finals. Now all they had to do was wait for the Purple Diamonds to whoop the Dazzling Divas and then it would be Jackson vs. Jackson in a bloody rematch.
Or so they thought.
Psych. The Dazzling Divas brought their A-Game. And their Plus-Size girl.
And that girl could DANCE. I mean, dang. E’rrybody went nuts.
Even Rittany almost ran down to the judges’ table to cast her vote for the Divas just to show support for Big Girls everywhere. Not that they needed it, because they won.
Which meant that it all came down to the Dolls vs. the Divas. And it was off da hook.
The Divas were some tough competition, but by the time the Dolls busted out this insane Snakes On A Plane floor hump, it was Game Over.
The Dancing Dolls took First Place in Stand Battle.
Looks like the Jackson Rematch would have to wait for another day as the PDs took their First Place Captain’s Solo trophy and headed home early to lick their wounds and watch Shanika get even more pregnant. We can probably squeeze in at least eleven more Purple Diamond appearances this season before anything squeezes out of Shanika.
I swear that baby’s gonna outgrow the onesie I bought before it’s even born.
Good thing I kept the receipt.
And then it was over.
Stamp! ATL just got postmarked. Check another one off the Dancing Dolls’ World Domination/A** Kicking Tour Bucket List. Next week is another competition.
Unplug ATL from life support.
It’s DD for Life.
Clear.
