Bouncing Back

The last couple of weeks have been difficultAnd I'm finding it hard to get back to myself It's been over a week since the whole date fiascoAnd I'm still wondering what I did wrongI meanThis guy pursued meHe obviously liked the look of me Enough to ask my neighbor for my numberHe contacted meSuggested the dateAnd followed upI think back over the date regularly Trying to figure out where it all went wrong I wonder was it when he suggested going to his house for teaAnd I asked if there was anyone there Not because I wanted to jump in to bed with himBut because I wanted fore warning if I was about a gaggle of housematesI wonder was it because I asked too many questions Maybe it seemed like I was interviewing himMaybe it was when I told him that I don't drink Although he didn't seem like a big drinker eitherAnd then to baffle me further He bloody well pounced on me!As I said in previous posts He went from zero to sixty in jig timeBut even when his hands were wandering under my shirt I still thought he was a nice guy But it baffles me I mean did he pounce because he really liked me?Or was he just chancing his arm for an easy lay?I mean I can't imagine sleeping with someone that I didn't likeJust for the sake of it 
Then there is the question of the girlfriend Who he had just split up with a couple of weeks previouslyWas he on the rebound?Was he just looking for a bit of fun?Who knows And lastlyThe phone call the following daySaying that he didn't want to take things furtherWas that because I wouldn't cave and give in to his antics?Even if it wasI am glad I stuck to my guns That is just not my style at all
I guess I just chalk this one up to experienceI meanWhat are the chances that my first and only date in ten, yes ten years would work out like a fairytale?Where we would fall in love and live happily ever afterSlim to none I would sayBut stillI had my hopes upMaybe that was my mistake 
But of course There were yellow/red flags The fact he didn't want to meet for coffeeDid he not want to be seen in broad daylight with me?He didn't want to see what I suggested In said cinemaDuring the movie he made a couple of pretty racist  commentsAnd we definitely didn't have the same sense of humour He was a typical country boy Not that that's a bad thing I mean despite all these thingsThe date was okUp until a point 
You know when you go an exam Or a job interviewAnd if it didn't go well You can request the papers or feedback to see where you went wrong Well I wish you could do that with datesLike send them a questionnaire with all the questions such as
How would you rate this date out of ten?
Why did you deducte points?
Why do you not want to see this person again?
Please give a detailed answer and use bullet points if necessary 
You know?I just want to know what did so wrong that he never wants to see me againIt's hard Because everyone around me seems to be finding someone My sister has met someoneMy friend always has some guy interested in her I just want to know why?Why people, whhhhyyy?
What I should really be doing Is focusing on myself and my recovery And putting boys out of my mindBut it's human reaction to want to meet someone To have a partner to share life withI suppose it's like waiting for a busNone come for agesAnd then three come at once 
I don't know Boys just don't seem to be in to meEven at meetings I feel like a lot of them avoid meOr have no time from meMaybe I'm being paranoidAnd that is entirely possibleAs I am not adverse to inventing scenarios in my head As you are well aware
Anyway I will do as I always doKeep putting one foot in front of the otherAnd keep going Keep ploughing away at this thing we call lifeAnd try to make the best of things I would love to hit the big self destruct button I would love to just unravel completelyFall apart Crumble Go back to disappearing Go 'Back to black'Sometimes I don't know why I am holding on And suspect that a lot of the time I'm doing it for other people I don't enjoy life ninety percent of the time I numb myself with meds And on the one day a week that o don't have meds That day is the most mind numbingly boring and tedious day And I just can't wait for it to be over
Take this week It's a bank holiday weekend So there is an extra dayTherefore I have eight days meds I went to town on them during the weekSo I had no meds yesterday And I have none for tomorrow I could space out today's to last two  days But I want to get out of it todayHow sad is that?Very I suspect 
Anyway Please don't worry after reading this post I am okI'm not going to do anything silly I repeat I am okJust having a bad day A bad week A bad year A bad life....