You didn’t sign up to this when you first met me; you had no idea what you were letting yourself in for.
You look at me with tears in your eyes and I know you feel my pain, what hurts you most is knowing that there is not a single thing you can do to help me.
You stand by and only watch from a distance as I destroy myself.
When I refuse to eat for the 6th day running you get angry but you know forcing me to eat will end in disaster.
You know if you dare intervene then I will turn into that monster that scares you.
I saw you eyeing me up this morning, looking for some tell-tale sign of what mood I was in. I know you’re watching my ever move.
The bipolar has taken your wife in its firm grips and is squeezing the life out of me and not even you are strong enough to fight this demon for me.
I have to allow it to run its course.
I told you yesterday that I didn’t love you, to leave.
You tried so hard not to say anything, but I bait you each time. I want you to argue back so I have the perfect excuse to pack your stuff and throw you out onto the streets.
My mood is mixed and its rapid and within hours of telling you I want out of our marriage I am mentally exhausted wondering what the hell is going on.
I was bad yesterday, low, struggling. I wanted to hurt myself, you kept your eye on me all day and that annoys me, I feel trapped by you.
You suggested we take the kids out for a walk, to get me some fresh air and out the house as the walls were closing in on me, trapping me.
As we walked through the woods, I saw a look of relief on your face, I appeared to smile and have snapped out of it for now and you were able to breathe again.
You didn’t know as I looked into the river below that I wished I could just jump in and allow it to pull me under.
I am not suicidal, I’m just lost.
I fight so much that I am exhausted, drained and wondering what will happen next.
I told you last night to have me sectioned, you refused.
I told you I would move out, that the children were better off with you.
I’m not easy to love I know that, I have complicated everything. How can you possibly understand what’s going on, I don’t even know who I am right now, I am pushing you away when I need you most.
I know I freak you out when the voices start chatting away in my head. I know you’re on edge when I see the guy walking around the house, you don’t see him, I told you he was stood in the hallway the other week, you told the CPN and he tried to explain, it’s part of my illness.
You have phoned up last week for support from a carers outreach service, I hope they can help you. I can’t imagine what it’s like to live with me, I couldn’t do it. The kids are also getting support because of me, a support system aimed at children who have a parent with a mental illness.
The kid’s think it’s great; they get trips out and fun activities to do all because mums crazy. My kids are amazing and they take it all in their stride. If things get too much at home we have back up plans for them in place.
I can’t even promise to change or try harder; I can’t change any of this, none of what I do is really me.
I stopped my medication without anyone knowing and you’re angry and upset at me, but you’re not the one who has to feel so out of the world that you stumble around and shake because you’re that drugged up.
I’m sorry you ended up stuck with me. The new life chapter that we started turned out so evil and I don’t know why that surprises me, I should be used to things going wrong, I do feel sorry for you thou., you thought you had found your happy ever after.
The fairy-tale turned into a living nightmare
While you continue you to watch and clear up the mess I leave behind, I am left consumed with guilt and wondering why you don’t just walk away. Bipolar stole your wife and there’s nothing you can do about it.
