I stepped onto the clear plastic carpet protector and sat down on the buttoned brown leather office chair at the Resolute Desk. On the screen of my iPresidentophone I called up a list of contacts and selected Vladimir Putin. Around me were gathered my closest advisers and I put my phone on speaker so they could hear the historic conversation. The only sound was the munching of "Lurch" Kerry chewing an apple he had taken from a bowl on a coffee table. There was the distant sound of a ringtone. Then came Putin's voice. "Da? "Obamavich? What the hell are you calling me for now? I've got an invasion to run."
"That's exactly what I'm calling about, Vlad. I warned you publicly that if you interfered in Ukraine there would be costs."
" Bad boy, bad boy. Whatcha gonna do?" asked Putin, his voice dripping with sarcasm."Have you just read Warfare for Dummies by Idi Amin? You were the moron who dismantled half your nuclear force and believed us when we claimed to have done the same."
" You mean you betrayed my trust?
"Bwaaaaaaha!ha! Obamavitch, you naive liberal. Whatcha gonna bomb us with now? Unicorns? Bwaaaha!ha!"
"I'm getting really cross, Vladimir. Like when you dove under the surface of the swimming pool at one those G-something meetings and pulled my pants off, leaving me to discreetly call an aide to pass me another pair."
" Piss off, Obamavich," I have armored divisions to direct." And just like that he disconnected. Bastard. But enough about me.
