Dear Diary: Hordes of bloodthirsty veterans descended on D.C. today to challenge my closure of the War memorials. How dare they defy me! Valerie Jarrett made me reverse my decision to agree a compromise with Boehner's Brigade. But now I am high on the power of Putin's style of politics. I know how he dealt with the PussycatRiot Feminist Collective, so I know how to deal with these bloodthirsty old men. I sat at the Resolute desk and began barking orders: "Send in the mounted police!" Like Putin, I bit off the words like bullets. That'll show 'em, I thought. But no-o-o-oo, the simpletons needed more than police to convince them. I called Chuck Hagel. "Hagelovitch" I commanded with Putin-like confidence: "Send in armored trucks and scare the crap out of those old men." "Bad optics, Hagelovitch? What do you mean, 'bad optics?' Just obey my orders."
At that moment Valerie Jarrett burst into the Oval Office. "Barry!" she yelled "Are you out of your mind?" "There's nothing in my Sunday instructions for you about sending in police and the Army against war heroes. Barry. I can't trust you to be alone for five minutes. I'm confiscating your iPresidentophone. Call off the security forces now!"
"Yes,Valerie, I'm sorry Valerie," I said, trying not to look too crestfallen. Like Michelle, she never lets me have any fun. But enough about me.
