Hey God, how’s thangs?
I got to thinking about when my oldest started preschool… um.. like many years ago considering she’s now in her first year of college. Boy, that brought back some memories!
I remember being so excited when she started preschool! She quickly made friends and developed her own little personality. A personality that I’m not sure I was quite ready for. I marveled at her maternal instinct and her ability to get her four year old self through situations. I remember looking at her every day thinking, “wow, she’s growing up!” Just watching her flourish: her mannerisms developing, her abilities coming out, the way she carried herself and spoke was astonishing to me. Watching her go from a baby to a child was stunning to watch. It was like a new chapter, a fresh beginning.
Yup. Fresh alright. More like fresh mouth. The day came when (after I asked her to do something) she stood at the top of the steps, looked at me square in the eye and screamed, “I… HAAATE… YOU!” (((gasp))) I stood there in disbelief. My jaw hit the floor. Tears welled in my eyes. What happened to my child? Where did that sweet little girl go? I can’t believe she’s only 4 and she’s telling me she hates me! OMG, what am I in store for here? My heart sunk. I was devastated. I pulled the dagger from my heart. (((deep breath))) What had preschool done to her? lol.
Of course this was part of her developing her self. Her personality. Coming into her own. Learning her boundaries: how to push my buttons, when to let off the button, and when to run. Many times I’ve heard I hate you over the next few years. And each time it became less painful because I knew she was just mad and didn’t really mean it. By the time she was 15 and I’d had enough. One day she looked at me dead in the eye and screamed, “I. HATE. You!” Hmmmm, I yelled back “Well? You know what? I HATE you right now too! How does that feel? Not so good does it?”
She was old enough to understand. The rolls were reversed. This time it was her jaw dropping to the floor. She fell silent in disbelief and couldn’t believe that I said that. Shit, I couldn’t believe I said it! But… it was out there. At first I thought, “Oh my You! What kind of mother am I?” Then something wonderful happened. A light bulb went off in her head and she got it. She realized how words can hurt; that hate is a very powerful word. I’m pretty certain that she never said it again (to my face, anyhow).
Anyways God, I know you’re like… busy running the universe and all so… so what is my point? I guess my point is that all those years of meandering through the obstacle course of motherhood, jumping hurdles, the mental and physical exhaustion has made me stronger. All those times I thought I was teaching my kids something — I was also learning something. It’s been a long and winding road with lots of potholes, lots of tears (my tears), and lots of laughter. Now that they are getting older I can hardly wait to see what new speed bumps You have in store for me. Sometimes I picture You like one of those cops on police chases — throwing out a stop strip in the middle of the road when I’m going like 70 mph. — I’ve been deflated many times; riding on bald tires; missing that off ramp; not sure of where I was headed. But, looking back now? What a wonderful ride!
