This topic can take an entire book to talk about, so this post alone will probably not do it justice.
When people think of therapy, many people think that “good therapy” means that you feel good in therapy all the time, and that if you’re not feeling good in therapy, then you’re receiving “bad therapy.”
This is far from accurate, and this perception can prematurely end treatments for people that may have been very useful and effective if this phenomenon was better understood.
On a fundamental level, therapy obviously does need a foundation of safety, support, trust, and caring between therapist and client.
But therapy is complicated. Change is complicated. Life is complicated.
If you’re going to therapy for basic support (without necessarily a focus of creating internal or external change), and you’re, as a whole, not feeling basically supported in the therapy, then maybe you’re actually not getting the best therapy for your needs. (Though I have found over time that even people who want “supportive therapy” tend to eventually become frustrated without being challenged by their therapist).
But if you’re going to therapy to create changes in negative patterns that impact yourself, your life, and your relationships with others, then the process is not always going to be easy or feel good.
In fact, if the process does always feel good or is easy, then there’s probably material that’s being avoided in your therapy that could be quite helpful to acknowledge. If you’re not angry at your therapist at least some of the time, then I’d wonder if there’s some collusion by the therapist, by the client, or both in order to avoid the sensitive areas where work is waiting to be done.
When people are angry with their therapists, this is usually an indication something sensitive is coming to the surface between the client and the therapist that needs to be looked at and better understood. Something is likely being acted out in the treatment that may be real-life pattern for the client (and possibly the therapist too).
This isn’t the time to leave, as much as it’s the time to start exploring — what’s going on here? What’s happening between us that’s causing me to feel frustrated or angry? Is my therapist reminding me of someone? Does this type of dynamic occur outside of here in my present life? How does this type of dynamic impact my life? And so on. (The therapist will be able to help with the appropriate questions, these don’t need to be figured out on your own).
And if you’re thinking of leaving your therapy when angry at your therapist, some good questions for yourself might be — why am I thinking of leaving? Is this something I tend to do when frustration shows up in my relationships outside of therapy? Does frustration and anger mean the relationship needs to end? And if the answer is “yes”, it only emphasizes the importance of both working through it and understanding what’s happening with your therapist — because it most likely is related to sticking points in your life as well.
Though it may not feel good in the moment, being frustrated and angry with one’s therapist is not only necessary for a good treatment, but it’s one of the most (if not the most) opportune times in the treatment to create change.
Why do people tend to end their therapy when they’re angry at their therapists?
There are several reasons that people tend to leave when anger enters the picture. Just to name a few:
- Idealization of therapy — thinking being angry at a therapist means not getting “good therapy.”
- Fear of conflict, confrontation.
- Fear of falling apart — perhaps on a more subconscious level, feeling that allowing anger to surface will result in emotionally “falling apart”, breaking down, or otherwise emotionally losing control. This isn’t just a fear of conflict with the therapist, but a fear of acknowledging and feeling one’s own anger.
- Fear of hurting the therapist’s feelings.
- Fear the therapist will abandon them, throw them out, or yell at them.
- Not understanding therapy — how valuable all emotions (including anger) are in therapy. Negative emotions actually add to the treatment (avoiding them tends to hurt the treatment and likely increases feelings of anxiety and other symptoms).
To be clear, this doesn’t mean that progress is only being made if you’re angry at your therapist. However, the misconception many people have is that if they become angry at their therapist during the treatment, then it means they need to end the treatment.
Overall, therapy is more than having someone to vent to about the previous week’s frustrations. It can be for that, as well, but the process of change involves getting to know parts of ourselves, and how we relate to others, that aren’t always easy to face. And, in fact, if you are able to bring feelings of anger and frustration into the room, that actually could mean your therapist has created a safe and supportive environment for you to do so. (And if you don’t feel safe enough to bring in anger, this would also be a good conversation to bring up with your therapist).
No, this doesn’t mean that if a person is always feeling angry at their therapist that it means they should just stick it out (though even this concept has its complications, depending on the client’s history). Generally, much like an intimate relationship, there’s a point where it may be causing more hurt than good if the relationship has too much negativity. But, either way, it’s a conversation to bring up with the therapist, rather than to simply stop showing up.
Times of anger and frustration in therapy are expected (and it can actually even be a sign of progress in the therapy). It’s inevitable that it will happen at some point (just like an argument with a partner). It’s disappointing, and sometimes it takes help to understand how to manage disappointment in non-destructive ways. Anger and disappointment are not good feelings, but does it mean the relationship must end, both in therapy and in real life?
It may not always feel good in the moment, and it may mean walking into (or out of) some sessions feeling really angry or frustrated at your therapist. But the beauty of therapy is that you can always go back in the next time, and your therapist will be ready to sit with you and your feelings, and ready to work with you to repair, and to understand what is happening together.
