That’s right, kids. You can count all the Krazy Moms on just one hand now.
That Philly Mom be hatin’ all up on me. I got your big hoagie right here, lady.
Do you seriously not see me putting on muh face right now? Back it up. Just. Back. It. Up.
And then she tried to go all ‘Girlfriend’ up on me like some gangstah bake sale bitch at the mall.
Srsly? And they think I’m insane?
All I wanted was a birthday party, the new iPhone and a pony. Who ordered all the clowns?
Imma ’bout ready to snatch me an iPad and some weave if Flashdance don’t stop playing that damn Candy Crush.
Nightmares.
We’ve all had them.
Things hiding in closets. Things that go bump in the night. Things that lurk in the shadows and touch your face while you sleep. Yoga pants and Ugg boots.
Creepy stuff, for sure.
But if we’re talking true gothic horror…try being trapped in a room with five Dance Moms and five tweeny bop girls for an hour.
Then we’ll see who wets the bed.
It was Nightmare Week on Abby’s Ultimate Dace Competition, which I guess was somehow different than every other week in AUDC Land. I wasn’t sure how they were going to differentiate this one from any other episode since I’m a little spooked every Tuesday night, but I gave them the benefit of the doubt.
And this week was legit Scary Spice.
After shipping PowerTwin #2 back to the Atwood Double T Ranch at the end of last week’s country jamboree, it was down to the Final Five dancers.
All girls. All giggly. And all hovering at just above or below that terrifying teen age benchmark where all that matters in life is picking up the pieces from the devastation of the Jonas Brothers break-up.
I was scared just watching them file in for the latest challenge.
This week it was Abby Lee Miller‘s favorite skill set. And she couldn’t wait to get the party started. So let’s do this thing.
The theme: Nightmares. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
The skill: Technique. And don’t screw it up, kids.
The challenge: Ballet.
The chance that Rachelle Rak would stand up during the judging portion of the show: 100% times a billion sassy apple bites. Don’t you worry. It’ll happen.
Right away, McKaylee‘s Mom Shari got all excited about the ballet challenge because she had been running a ballet studio back home for what sounded like 50 years, thus guaranteeing that McKayKay was going to sail through this week’s obstacle course.
Last week Shari also got herself all wound up about the Country Western theme because she claimed to be running a dairy farm out of the family barn, so I guess that if you need to work on your grands ronde de jambes or pick up a quart of 2%…Shari is your gal.
The Filly from Philly was also pretty excited about this week, but for different reasons.
Giaaaaanna‘s Mom Cindy figured that her arch nemesis Jessalynn and tiny sugar squirt JoJo would finally be headed home soon now that Honey Bow Bow was up against the Big Dawgs. That and the fact that JoJo should be running out of hair accessories soon, which clearly disguise the power source for the little dancing machine.
Cindy’s from Philly, you know. Love. Her.
The winner of this week’s challenge would get to pick which two dancers would perform in a duet, while everyone else would be handed out solos. Mind Games!
I mean…do you carry the entire weight of a solo dance on your shoulders in front of the judges, or put yourself at risk of your duet partner totally f***ing up a twosome? And how do we live in a world with no more Jo Bros? I just can’t right now.
Lesley Bandy was back to lead the girls in another little Nutcracker number. I still haven’t bothered to Google Ms. Bandy and get the dirt, but she came running in like Peter Pan’s mother and that’s really all that mattered this time. I bet she gets her hair cut every week and smells like Chanel No. 5.
With only five little dancers left, the ballet challenge was over before it even began.
JoJo was cut first. Again.
Why that girl doesn’t just start the challenges already sitting down with her Mom is beyond me. It would save us a lot of time.
McKaylee won the challenge, so I guess all that ballet and extra calcium paid off.
You go, little cowgirl.
She and Mom and Mom’s crazy eyes assigned the duet to JoJo and Kalani, and JoJo’s Mom was not happy at all. Something about throwing them under the bus.
Turns out that Jessalynn and Shari have known each other since Shari’s cows were just calves and this whole competition was clearly putting a strain on their friendship.
Spoiler Alert: They should fight it out, right?
Bur first…rehearsals.
JoJo and Kalani’s Vampire Attack duet was looking a little clunky at first as frustrated choreographer Tessandra Chavez tried to deal with not only glaringly different levels of dance expertise but also whatever was going on with her own bangs. You might wanna walk away from the scissors before somebody gets hurt, ma’am.
Fake Kristie Ray Mom Kira pointed out that her girl Kalani was clearly the better technical dancer as JoJo tried to gracefully hoist herself up onto a Jekyll and Hyde park bench without tipping the whole thing over and crushing her partner.
Down the hall, choreographer Matt Cady was giving Giaaaaanna some Zombie Dreams behind a rolling headstone as Cindy slouched all over her Mom Chair like the cushions were greased with Philly cheese. Love me some Cindy, but she has the worst posture I’ve ever seen. She’s lucky Lesley Brandy doesn’t come in there and slap her right back into yesterday.
Fercryinoutloud. Sit up straight, woman. You’re on the television.
When she gave herself a solo during the challenge, I’m betting that McKaylee had no idea she would end up swinging from Lesley’s Peter Pan wire in Shannon Beach‘s Bird of Prey routine or she would have sent JoJo up into those rafters instead. I don’t know how thin the air was up in the ceiling tiles, but it must have been pretty heavy down on the ground because Mom Shari was hyperventilating herself into unconsciousness the first time they yanked her daughter off the floor.
Mom was a nervous wreck. But honestly, even if the wire was mysteriously cut by one of her competitors during the performance and McKaylee plummeted to Earth, all those dairy cows probably gave her strong enough bones to survive the crash. Chillax.
The last solo of the week, entitled Possession, belonged to Trinity and her sickled feet. It was basically the never-before-seen Linda Blair dance routine that was cut from the original Exorcist movie. I think it’s still on the special dvd boxed set if you can find it, but most people have never seen the number.
Since Trinity had spent most of her life doing gymnastics on a 2×4 wooden Home Depot beam, she’d been trained to sickle her Spider-Man feet to hold on for dear life.
But now she had to unlearn that technique. Fast.
Spoiler Alert #2: Good luck with that.
While the kids all worked on their scary dreams, another nightmare was unfolding down in the Craft Room as the Moms started hot glueing and coming unglued at the same time.
Cindy started in again about what a pain in the a** 9 year old JoJo was (…nice talk by the way…) as Shari just sat back and let it all go down. No defense of her BFF Jessalynn’s daughter at all. Nuthin, I tell you.
Needless to say, Mama Jess wasn’t having it and got all up in Shari’s face, who volleyed the ball right back at her with a fabulously awkward ‘GuessWhatGirlfriend?’ and some crazy heated PTA meeting arm work.
Hold up.
Can we just all agree right here that white suburban mall walker moms should never try to get all ‘GuessWhatGirlfriend?’ on their white suburban mall walker mom friends?
Like, never?
Unless it’s something like ‘GuessWhatGirlfriend? I was really feeling the burn going around that last turn by Cinnabon. You wanna split one and then go to Kohl’s?’
Because otherwise, it just doesn’t work. Don’t get me wrong. It’s HIGHlarious. But it doesn’t work. There’s probably a reason that VH1 hasn’t called you for an audition, Shari.
And what was up with that cardboard cut-out family that Jessalynn had on her makeup table? Please tell me you saw it.
It was like those paper doll cut-outs you bring on your first school vacation to hold up in front of every famous landmark when someone takes a photograph so the person who was home sick doesn’t feel like they missed out on the trip of a lifetime.
Here’s Daddy at the Pyramids of Egypt. And the Penguin Room at the Aquarium.
Smile and say ‘GuessWhatGirlfriend?’ Click. Instagram.
Finally it was Showtime!
Backstage, Trinity showed us what two days before turning 13 looks like. And it was everything you remembered. And then some.
Gah. Duh. Mom. You’re soooooo annoying. Are you like blind? I’m trying to put on my makeup. Go talk to your old friends and leave me alone until I move out of the house.
OMG. LOL. My Mom is so totz lame. And it’s my Birthday. Send.
At the judging table, Richy Jackson was rocking yet another sleeveless monogrammed shirt and a half dozen plastic watches. Rachelle was revving her sassy engine, clearly waiting for just the right moment to hit the ejector button and fly out of her seat.
Wait for it, America. Wait for it…
Abby was fairly low key, considering all the sloppy technique she had witnessed during rehearsals. She was just ready to see some dancing.
Somehow Trinity’s demon child ended up with a Frankenstein face. Not sure what happened there, but it didn’t stop her from jumping up and down and over and under her possessed bed like she was at the 2014 Purgatory Olympics. Winner gets a gold medal and a lifetime of curled toes in the flames of Hell.
Abby was not that impressed, but Team R&R enjoyed it quite a bit.
McKaylee’s dive bombing bird dance was good stuff. She swooped and flew around like she’d been doing it all her life back on the Cirque du Soleil farm. No wonder they never have problems with crows in the cornfields of Nebraska.
Richy even gave her two fingers and a Poodle Shake, which initially alarmed me when I thought he said Noodle Shake in front of the kids. But false alarm. They were just pink Payless Poodle slippers that he flung onto the table for all the world to see. Happy Dance!
JoJo and Kalani’s vampire dance? JoJo looked like she had ketchup and Kool-Aid juice box drool all over her face and Abby said the whole thing just made her eyes bleed.
We’ll leave it at that and move along.
Last but not least was Giaaaaanna and her graveyard smash. And it was.
Part Bob Fosse, part Tim Burton, Cindy’s kid just wrecked the stage. In a good way.
Richy flipped her off and Rachelle jumped to her feet to unleash a 1, 2, 3 and an Apple Bite. Which is trademarked when she tweets it. No lie.
Can you actually trademark an Apple Bite? And what makes an Apple Bite different than a Beyoncé Head? Or getting rear ended in traffic?
Boom. Boom. And Pow.
When it came down to the chopping block, my girl Trinity was cut. And she lost her poodle noodle right there on stage. It was so sad, not only because she’s one of my favorites, but because she did that hiccup cry that tells you she was really having a meltdown.
Poor little nugget. She needed a hug. And a paper bag to breath into.
Luckily, before she completely blacked out and her braces rusted shut, Rachelle came to the rescue and whipped out her Big C.
The Call Back Card!
Pandemonium ensued.
Kids screamed. Kids cried. Cindy was all like WTF? Another pass for JoJo? Rachelle even got to perform a little more as she handed over the CCard like it was the Nobel Prize for Sickle Toeing or something. I think they even played the them from the Lion King in the background. It was a moment.
Then the moment was over. And there were still five.
OMG. Best. Birthday. Ever.
Until next week. When this totally happens…
Dat’s rite.
Hold onto your big a** bows and trademarked Sass t-shirts.
Asia‘s in the hizzle, bitches.
