Giaaaaanna! Get that Philly Cheese Steak outta your Mom’s purse and get your lazy a** over here.
Seriously. Can you even imagine living with that kid in your house everyday?
We’re gonna have to wrap this up a little early, girls. I need to go fire my stylist.
Hello? Nobody puts a hoagie in a purse. That’s what fanny packs are for. And PS…your kid’s a damn brat and her bow’s all crooked.
BOOM! “C” for Crazy Bitch card straight up in yo’ face. Holla at dat!
Halleloo! Take all this fear from my baby and give her a nasty booty pop just for tonight, Lawd.
Just. Yeeeesh.
Whoa.
I can’t even keep a straight p-p-p-p-poker face.
It was only the second episode of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and the Crazy was already starting to leak all over that shiny new Junior Prom dance floor.
Kids were crying. Moms were getting on each other’s last nerves.
And Lady Gaga was in the house. Sorta.
Abby Lee Miller got right down to business with this week’s pre-competition challenge.
It was Lady Gaga Week, with performances based on the license-free “sounds like–” karaoke stylings of Mother Monster’s biggest hits, all sung by whoever that girl is that always sings on Dance Moms and does the “White Zone Is For Loading Only” voice.
The Skill was Individuality, because that’s kinda Gaga’s thang.
To emphasize the direction of the dances this time around, Abby asked the ten remaining kids (…Sarina, we hardly knew ya…) to name three things about Abby that made her unique.
Didn’t realize there’d be a quiz. I raised my hand, but nobody seemed to notice.
Someone said “Confidence.” Someone else said “Bold.”
And then Gianna‘s Mom Cindy blurted out “Mouth” and I knew it was gonna be a good week. A big, loud good week.
Oh, Cindy. Big, brassy, SillyPhilly Cindy.
You just know she flew to Hollywood with at least three Bingo markers and a lucky troll somewhere in that shiny zebra print suitcase, not to mention a trashy romance novel and about 23 OK! Magazines on her iPad. Philly loves those Kardashians.
Especially What’sHerName the big one.
What da Hell? I’m Cindy from Philly. Bite me.
And who better to choreograph a Lady Gaga challenge than Lady Gaga’s own choreographer. right?
We’re talking everyone’s favorite two fingered judge Richy Jackson, all decked out in one of his sparkly signature sleeveless ensembles and feather-ized BluBlocker protective eyewear. I was especially digging the Archie comics varsity letters.
As soon as Richy glitter bombed his way onto the rehearsal stage, the crowd went wild.
All the little dancers blew a complete spaz, but Eden Wood wannabe JoJo seemed to take it the hardest as she squealed and nearly lost the Disney bow right off the top of her head. Pimp the Crimp, sweetie. Pimp the Crimp.
Somewhere along the line, JoJo had already decided that she and Richy were genetically created in the same Fab Lab.
He was like Big & Fun. She was like Big & Fun. His Indian name was Sunglasses Divalicious. Her Indian name was Sunglasses Divalicious.
You could see where she was going with all that.
Before he led the crew through the challenge choreo (…that’s what the cool kids call it, you know. Choreo…) Richy directed all their short attention spans to a monitor to watch a greeting from Lady Gaga herself.
Insert complete spaz numero dos right here ____________.
Basically Gaga gave a quick pep talk about individuality and then told Perez Hilton to go f*** himself.
Her usual.
This week’s theme was Dare To Be You, which made Mom Tiffany once again point out that Ally was biracial in case you missed it last week.
We get it. And just so you know, we’re judging her on her dancing technique not her hair. This could get really old, really fast if Ally lasts until the semi-finals.
As the gang all started getting their Gaga on, it was painfully clear that some participants were a little more hip hop challenged than others.
Chloe was definitely going to be needing some of Mama Angela‘s prayers if she was going to get that naughty shoulder roll perfected. Haley was as confused as Mom Melanie‘s hair stylist back home and Richy had no idea what kind of electro-shock seizure dance tiny boy band dancer Travis was trying to pull off as he flopped around the stage like a salmon that had just slipped off a pile of shaved ice in the deli case.
Gianna won the challenge round and Mom cheered like her horse had just come in first on one of those OTB Harness Racing simulcast screens.
The prize for winning the challenge was to pick the competition routine based solely on Bob Mackie costume sketches, and since Mom Cindy was such a fashionista she gave her opinion while pointing out that Mommy Knows Best.
Which was a great segue into Abby calling Cindy out for wearing flip flops on the sacred Floor of the Dance.
And not just flip flops. Cindy was rockin’ a pretty sweet pair of Too Lazy To Get Myself Dressed In The Morning flip flops. The kind of flip flops that always get caught in the escalator on the way up to the Food Court and completely block access to the second floor of the mall until a kid from Brookstone runs over with an LED screwdriver.
That kind.
What da Hell? I’m from Philly. Bite me.
JoJo and the TBoyz were assigned a trio about being Fashion Addicts, where we learned that one of the twins had a freckle and that JoJo knows way too much about shoplifting oversized hair bows from iParty.
Not to be outdone, Ally and Kalani were working on their Piano Passion moves with studio hopper Anthony Burrell. Fa Fo Pa Boom Boom. He still hates everyone at Candy Apples and still wears his hat backwards.
Even though they were under a tight schedule, Mom Tiffany did find time to yell at Ally to get her s*** together and stop crying or they’d have to go back to the bungalow and start packing. I’m going to assume that she didn’t mean the Gilligan’s Island kind of bungalow, but you never know with this crowd.
Abby was also doing some smack downs of her own on the other side of the building as she let Mom Jessalyn know that JoJo’s sassy, answer-for-everybody attitude was getting as played out as those gigantic Macy’s parade hair bows that she insists on stapling to the kid’s head.
Abby blamed part of JoJo’s delusional view of a world populated by cartoon characters and unicorns that poop rainbow pellets on the fact that homeschooling does not allow for a child to experience the real world thrill of being shoved inside a locker or given wedgies and purple nurples.
Mom’s glassy eyed smiley face during the entire conversation pretty much said all that needed to be said on that subject.
But that’s a whole other chat room. So don’t even.
While everyone else seemed to have forgotten that this was still a dance competition, Trinity and Gianna were at least trying to learn some new Gaga moves.
Basically it was just some really bad stage lighting and the realization that the only thing Gianna could remember to do was cry again.
Saving the best for last, Haley, Chloe and McKaylee were werkin’ it out in a borderline S&M Bleeding Heart routine, inspired by that time when someone laid a ginormous Gaga egg at the Grammys.
Each girl was attached to something that appeared to be a cross between the aforementioned egg and the balloon that crash landed in Oz by a mile of iPod bungee cord dangling from their Beats by Dre headsets.
The set up, and Haley’s dancing, were just an accident waiting to happen.
Forget deer in the headlights. Poor little Haley was looking like she had just seen her first Health Class filmstrip on the human reproductive system. She wasn’t even blinking.
Luckily, choreographer Tarua Hall had thought to stuff a forth headset into her travel bag before she left the house, because she needed it to tie Mama Angela down to her chair once the music really kicked into gear.
Lawd have mercy. Girlfriend was dying to get up and show them little things how they do it at the church social.
Watching Chloe’s Mom pop it and lock it from her seat was a little slice of that Heaven she’s always talking about. Testify.
There was also a little Haley and McKaylee Mom Melee that went down during the rehearsal, but Angela and I were too busy doing our thing to even notice.
Finally, it was Showtime! And Kevin Manno Time!
Unfortunatley, playing the role of my boy Kevin this week was Pee Wee Herman.
Dude. Really?
Even Angela thanked the Lord that your bow tie wasn’t red. Was your ice cream truck double parked? Is that why you seemed so fidgety?
Just promise you won’t ever do that again. Promise.
Clearly a Lifetime memo had gone out that it was Costume Day, because even the judges had Gaga-fied themselves a little bit.
Abby had rolled a couple Slim-Fast cans in her hair and if you squinted it kinda looked like the Telephone video, I guess. Or not. Richy still had his feathery BluBockers on, but had accessorized it with a new sleeveless number made out of flowers from the Teletubbies show on PBS.
(Side note: If you’ve never seen Teletubbies, stop reading this and Google a show or two. I’m sure that more than one stay at home Mom put a bullet in her head after 4 hours of watching Po run in circles until he fell down, but for some reason that show still makes me want my binky.)
And a special shout out to whoever that guy in the audience was who did THE best sissy boy clap ever after Richy was introduced. Ever.
New judge Rachell Rak seemed to still be getting used to the whole AUDC circus, because I think she thought it was Paula Abdul Week unless I’m forgetting one of Gaga’s earlier videos.
Backstage, Angela was working hard to keep Satan from breaking through the floor boards and spreading negativity throughout the studio, while one of the TBoyz was getting his hair painted red so we could tell him apart from the other one.
Freckles don’t show up very well if you’re any further back than Row #2.
We also got a quick montage of everyone except the janitorial staff making fun of Cindy by screaming “Giaaaaaaaaanna” in their best Philly accent. I swear that lady’s voice could steer freighters away from the jagged rocky coastline during a foggy night at sea.
Then everybody danced like it was still only Week Two.
Good, but not great.
When it came down to it, Abby felt that there were no Lady Gagas on the stage that night. Not even close.
As the judges chiseled away at the lineup, Melanie and her crazy hair walked right on stage and started tossing Moms under the Gaga tour bus like it was her day job until Abby got the hook and dragged all that friz biz back offstage.
In the end, it was down to scaredy cat Haley and a hyperventilating Chloe, who looked so sad up there trying to choke back tears.
And then Chloe was eliminated. Mama got sad and the little dancer could barely take a breath as she thanked everyone for the opportunity and the corrections and the—
Wait. What?
Stop the presses.
Call Back Card!
Psych. Richy pulled out a piece of Martha Stewart craft paper with a sequined letter “C” hot glued to it…and suddenly, Chloe was back in business for another week.
SAVED by the elusive Call Back Card.
And then Mama took it to church, y’all. Took. It. To. Church.
Hands up in the ayah and everything. I was waiting for her to run off stage and come back wearing a big hat and flicking a fan, accompanied by that choir that always follows Mariah Carey wherever she goes.
Gah. I love that woman more than Teletubbies.
Angela, I mean. Not Mariah.
And then there were ten.
Again.
