I appreciate the Callback Card, but can you check your boobs again for Bieber tickets?
That’s right, haters. We’re back! So suck on that one. Jeah!
Oh. Hell. No. That crazy bitch did NOT just tell me to slow down my groove. Imma srsly ’bout to hurt somebody.
Crazy? You want Crazy, girl? I’ll give you Crazy! And how ’bout some Sas? Crazy Sas! Werk It! Want It! Where am I?
Are we really gonna do this now, honey? Really? Cuz if we do, the only thing that’s gonna slow down is the oxygen getting to your lungs.
Oh. My. Gawd. They were THE best flip flops evah. On Sale. With Layaway. Shut Up. I died right there.
You might wanna cover your eyes, ladies, because Mama’s about to go all Pittsburgh Ninja on your kid’s a**.
“Unconventional.”
Google it.
When you do, the first thing that’ll pop up on your screen is a photo of Abby Lee Miller.
Her style of teaching. Her interactions with every Dance Mom who has ever co-signed that infamous ALDC contract with the Devil. Her questionable choices when it comes to costume jewelry and even more questionably pretty male companions.
Not to mention whatever it is that has been going on with her hair lately.
Unconventional? Yes.
Boring? Never.
Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition was back and ready to show us all what ‘unconventional’ really looked like this week, complete with super-sized high school play props and those potentially lethal martial arts sticks that everyone is always swinging around in the Wolverine comic books.
The field of tiny dancers had shrunk by one again. Kalani had been sent packing last week, mainly because the producers thought her Mom was Kristie Ray and the rules clearly state that you can’t be on the show two years in a row. It’s in the fine print.
I’m sure the elimination scene is still painfully fresh in your mind.
Kalani cried. Kalani’s Mom Kira cried. Abby cried. Half the kids cried. One of the lighting guys cried. I’m pretty sure even Jane Seymour was in the audience crying, because this is Lifetime Television after all and she is contractually obligated to be on the network once a week bawling her eyes out over something life changing.
And then Rachelle gave Abby the best WTF side eye ever that somebody in the editing booth should have caught and destroyed before air time.
So as all the kiddos and Moms filed in for this week’s challenge, there was no Kalani.
And no bow in JoJo‘s hair. Wait. Whaa—?
I’m not even sure which was supposed to be more traumatizing to the viewing public.
Instead of her signature Honey Bow Bow headgear, Miss JJ (…if you’re nasty…) was rocking a tight hair bun that looked exactly like one of those decorative round dresser knobs you can special order from Crate & Barrel.
But before anyone could even process JoJo’s new look, in walked Kalani and Kristie/Kira. Again.
Please. No. Not a plot twist before the first commercial. I just can’t.
Did they miss their flight? Are they squatting like homeless people in the bungalow, refusing to go home? Are they just disoriented and can’t find the exit door?
And then, the moment that all of America had always feared would happen…or secretly hoped would happen in dirty dance boy chat rooms…happened.
And right in front of the kids.
Abby reached inside her bra like the big girls do at Burger King when their cell phone rings. And I was all like, please Lawd…I know it’s cable, but don’t let her pull out what I think she is gonna pull out.
Drumroll…
False alarm. It was just her Callback Card!! That hot glued artsy craftsy card that she had refused to offer up while Kalani was on the chopping block last week.
But now it was back. And probably pretty warm considering that it had been motor boating The Girls since breakfast. I was actually kind of worried that maybe a few crystals might have fallen off when the glue started to soften up, but everything looked pretty secure as Abby pulled it out like she was Penn & Teller’s new assistant.
Taa-daa! Like magic, Kalani was back in the game! And just in time.
The theme: Unconventional.
The skill: Nada this time around. Unless you count basic survival instincts.
The challenge: Don’t get killed by a ninja.
Suddenly, martial arts stunt guy Nito Larioza either dropped from the ceiling or stepped out of a plume of shadow smoke and started swinging his stick at the kids. I don’t know how he got there.
But it’s not like ninjas ring the doorbell. They just show up and start kicking your a**.
Nito was immediately my idol because he had a name that you can’t say without faking an accent. And he had worked on a Batman movie.
Umm. Yeah. Batman.
I don’t care if you run with scissors if you’ve touched the Batmobile, dude. I bow to you and your little beanie.
The winner of the challenge was actually going to be a Mom this week, who would then get to choose the three dancers to stick in the bottom. I smelled a bloodbath already.
After rolling and Karate Kid-ing their way past Nito and Abby, who looked like one of those Discovery channel documentaries about Eskimos who stab their own fish in the river, the winner turned out to be Trinity. But not before some controversy.
Abby was just about to allow McKaylee to go through the obstacle course a second time due to having missed a crucial jump in the choreography, when everyone’s favorite loud Filly From Philly got her flip flops in a bunch and called out Abby for favoritism.
I mean, really. How much do we love Cindy?
She’s from Philly, you know. And Italian.
She’s also the kind of Mom who was put on Earth to embarrass her daughter and hold up the line at Walmart. Like when she rolls down the window in front of the school and yells at Giaaaaanna to remember to ask the nurse for more ointment.
Or when all her tampons fall out of her fake Louis bag as she’s looking for one of the 47 store loyalty tags that are dingling off her keychain while squishing her flip phone between her shoulder and ear and talking about how her dental hygienist shouldn’t be wearing leggings this soon after having that homely baby.
OMG. Mom. Just stop. I’m not kidding.
As Abby cracked her stick over Cindy’s head and the kids went off to rehearse, Tina headed out back to cry and figure out who she was going to throw under the bus.
There was a lot of crying this week.
Trinity, JoJo and scaredy cat Haley were cast in what was either some kind of a pirate themed Walk The Plank routine or the final scene of Titanic where they could only jump from iceberg to iceberg without touching the floor.
By the time Abby showed up and asked Haley to stay down low on her block of ice a total of three times, it was clear that choreographer Matt Cady wanted to shove every one of them into the ocean.
Poor Haley. She either needs to figure out how to blink like the rest of us, or somebody needs to get her some protective eye wear. Like I’ve said before, it’s probably a good thing that she cries so much, just so she can keep those orbs properly lubed up.
Girlfriend be buggin’.
Down the hall, Giaaaaanna and Kalani were working on their Twisted silk scarf dance as Abby plopped it down next to Cindy to figure out why she talks so damn much.
Good luck with that, by the way.
Cindy had a fairly substantial neon green bandaid on a boo boo from what I assumed was an earlier hoagie accident. I bet if you slow down when you eat your food, you won’t bite your fingers so much. Just felt that should be pointed out.
The TBoyz were going head to head in an attempt to reach the Top Of The Pyramid with choreographer Peter Chu. One of them was Tyler and one of them was Travis.
That’s about all I could figure out.
Again: Name tags, photo IDs or a visual cheat sheet, please. Or maybe one could just grow a mustache.
Lastly, my girl Tarua Hall was trying to get Ally and McKaylee to untangle themselves from their hot mess of a Tangled Web spider dance.
Ally was having some timing issues, most likely brought on by all the dust that McKaylee was kicking up in her face as she smoked the routine.
Ally and her big hair have struggled a lot this season, but she has always tried to fight her own battles. Thanks, Mom. But no thanks.
Until now, when Mom went and opened her pie hole.
Oh, snap. Tiffany basically interrupted the process to ask Tarua if she wouldn’t mind being a sweetheart and keeping all four of her eyes on her daughter and basically just ignore that other girl who seemed to be doing just fine on her own.
Oh…and slow down yo’ music, bitch. This ain’t Dance Crew.
Ooooh, girrrrrl. I know you did not just diss Tarua’s iPod mix and her fly glasses.
Luckily Abby showed up right when Tarua was gonna throw it all down. (Lucky for Tiffany, I guess. Unlucky for the rest of us who wanted to see a rumble. Let’s Go!)
Tarua booted Tiffany out of the rehearsal and then flipped her weave a little like they do on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. MmmHmm. Take that. Bloop!
Finally, it was Showtime!
My bro Kevin Manno, who was basically put on Earth to make tween girls squeal until they pee and to rock skinny jeans, was styling in a retro theater usher ensemble. With his red jacket and black slim fits, he kind of looked like he could sneak backstage pretending to be one of Frankie Valli‘s Jersey Boy singers.
If you have to Google either Frankie Valli or Jersey Boys you probably need to just go right now. I don’t think I even want you reading my blog anymore.
Someday the boys from One Direction will get old, too. You just wait.
Keeping with the Batman theme, Richy Jackson was all Biff! Bam! Pow! with his pink cartoon bubble vest and three different pastel time zone watches. Because you never know when someone is going to ask you what time it is in Zimbabwe.
There were no amazing Slap Yo’ Mama routines. The kids did well, but didn’t make any of the judges fall off their chairs. Even the really good ones were just really good.
JoJo’s pirate eye patch wasn’t even on her eyeball, so that was probably a four point deduction right there. Haley looked scared and then cried some more.
Ally’s timing was still off and Tarua was still waiting for Mom Tiffany in the parking lot behind a dumpster. This is over when Queen T sez it’s over. Mmmkay?
Ally let the cat out of the bag and announced…on stage…that she had just started taking ballet lessons, which I guess is not cool in the world of The Dance.
Not having taken any lessons myself, I’m not really sure what she is missing, but Abby got pretty twisted about the whole thing so I’m thinking that maybe I should look into some Learning Annex classes next Spring.
And speaking of twisted…Giaaaaana and Kalani did amazeballs. Clearly the judges’ favorite dance of the night.
The TBoyz were eggshelly, according to Richy, which was either a reference to their dancing skills or their lack of sunlight. They are a little pasty now that I see them under the spotlights.
One of them did better than the other. You choose.
As the week’s competition wound down, it was now up to Tina to start crying again and throw the bottom three to the wolves.
Ally, McKaylee and Haley. Please report to the front of the stage.
And then everybody started crying.
In the end, it was poor little Haley who got a major case of the ugly cry/hiccup sobs and was sent home. Which was sad to see.
I can’t believe my boy Kevin didn’t give her a paper bag to breath into up there before scooting her off stage. She and Mom Melanie lost their marbles.
I’m almost positive that Melanie kind of winked at Kevin on her way out. Did you see that? What was that all about? You don’t think they….? No. No way.
Unconventional Week was over. With no more safe haven between Abby’s bosoms.
And then there were eight.
Again.
