Girrrl, pleez. I got some friends in low places, but I never seen dancing that ratchet. MmmMmm.
And then Rachelle stood up in those booty shorts. Thank you Lawd that it’s already 5 o’clock somewhere. Hit me.
The Devil went down to Pittsburgh and she was lookin’ for a soul to steal. She was in a bind. With a big behind. Willing to make a deal.
Who’s sorry now? I’m talking to you there, cheese steak.
OhHellNo, Blondie. You did NOT just call me a little bit country and a little bit hoagie roll.
Srsly. How old are these songs? Hasn’t anyone ever heard of Justin Bieber?
Bitch, pleez. When you look this good, ain’t nuthin left to do but save a horse and ride a cowboy.
Giddy Up, ya’ll.
Saddle up your horses and muffle your Mamas, because it’s a Wild West Showdown at the AUDC corral.
This week Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition did the Mash. The Nashville Mash.
And it was a country smash.
After last week’s patriotic flag fest, the switch to a country western theme was a pretty smooth transition. Not only did it give the gang one more week to burn off any leftover red, white & blue sparkly stuff that may have been laying around the wardrobe room, but it also made for a pretty sneaky segue right into Lifetime’s new Nashville show if you weren’t paying attention.
I mean, one minute Abby Lee Miller was driving a kid outta Dodge and the next thing you knew we were all watching open auditions for Hillbilly Idol.
How did that even happen? I see what you did there, Lifetime.
But let’s start at the beginning.
The theme: Country Western. Hee to the Haw.
The skill: Jumps. Bigguns. And lots of ‘em, cowboy.
The chance of seeing Richy Jackson in something fabulously outrageous: 100%.
As the 6 remaining dancers rolled in (…7 if you count The Return Of The JoJo Bow…) they were all greeted by Abby and her red bandana.
Yup. Ms. Miller done gone and went country. I think.
It was actually more of an odd cross between that Rosie the Riveter “We Can Do It” lady and a Costco-sized bottle of Aunt Jemima maple syrup.
You have to be kinda careful how you work a red bandana nowadays. You just do. But at least it wasn’t Village People western leather chaps with butt cut-outs. So there’s that.
After getting clarification on this week’s theme, some of the Moms got pretty excited for a heapin’ helpin’ of country choreography.
McKaylee‘s Mom Shari seemed to be especially over stimulated at the prospect of a hoedown because they had a real live barn in their backyard at home. Like the kind they have on CMT. Which she swore would totally give them at least one hind leg up on the competition in the Twerkin’ and Twangin’ and Tuggin’ on Cow Teats category.
Shari has some big eyes.
The mini challenge this week was going to allow the Winning Mom the opportunity to save one person from the ominous Bottom Three on Competition Day, as well as give all the other Moms a chance to kiss butt like it was their day job. Let the games begin.
Since she was already countryfied in her red bandana and gang tagged graffiti logo tee, Abby was going to stick around and choreograph the mini challenge. For realz.
Jesus take the wheel if I get to see Abby Lee Miller jump in the air.
Just take it. And then back it up over me, because I’ll be dead already.
After sending the kids off to grab the cowboy hats she forgot backstage, Abby showed them all how it’s done down on the farm. On whatever farm it is where you get two national television shows about dancing and never have to actually dance on national television. Ever.
That farm.
But more power to her. It must be some kind of dancing telepathy or something, because the kids all figured out exactly what to do even though Abby just wobbled around a little like those inflatable whacky waving hand balloons you see down at the Music City car dealership. Come on down! Our prices are insane!
Some of the kids embraced their inner redneck. Some didn’t.
JoJo, have a seat, please. You know where it is by now.
Poor Giaaaaanna needs to either start dancing within an invisible electric dog fence or get GPS attached to her ankle, because that girl is eventually going to wander off stage and never be heard from again. I lost count of how many times Abby screamed at her for not being in the same zip code as the rest of the dancers.
After weeding out the weak like you do before a cattle auction begins, Abby ended up with Travis, Trinity and Kalani all standing around looking at each other in straw hats.
Time for a Jump Off!
(I’m not even gonna tell you what I thought she said. And with the kids in the room.)
Trinity knocked out a ceiling tile and ended up winning her umpteenth challenge, which meant that Mom Tina was going to end up in therapy again for bashing yet another child’s hopes and dreams. Just the thought of having to leave two tiny dancers hanging on for dear life by the end of the episode made a little more crazy leak out of Tina’s head.
She makes me smile.
JoJo and Trinity were paired up in an American Spirit duet choreographed by Tarua Hall, which gave them both a chance to whip each other with those annoying ribbons that have been used during every Macy’s Parade and Olympic Opening Ceremony since 776 BC.
It also gave JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn the chance to kiss up to Tina like she was sucking the chrome off a trailer hitch. You go, Girl. Pull out the big guns.
Side note: I don’t know if they film this show out of sequence or all in one day or what’s going on. Dunno. But Tarua has been wearing the same thing for 8 weeks. I don’t know if we’re being scammed by Lifetime or if Miss T just likes that fur collar.
But it doesn’t really matter, because she is a hoot and will f*** you up if you can’t stay on the 8 count. You don’t want her to take off her glasses, honey. No you don’t.
Next door, Kalani and her coin operated riding bull saddle contraption were working up a sweat, Rhinestone Cowgirl solo style. Well, shoooot. Can we just agree this little bitch got Fierce since last week? So Fierce that choreographer Matt Cady was hiding behind Mom Kira on the couch. Werk.
Giaaaaanna also scored a solo and was back with Tarua and her fur collar to learn how to be Nashville’s Sweetheart. I don’t really know what happened during that rehearsal because I was too busy watching Mom Cindy spread out in her comfy chair like a Boss.
She’s from Philly, you know.
Last but not least, there was a Wild West Showdown going down crosstown with Travis and McKaylee, courtesy of choreographer Victor Rojas.
I’m dying to say something about his retro star spangled satin warm-up jacket and how I totally remember him from when the Harlem Globetrotters crash landed on Gilligan’s Island, but Victor danced with Janet Jackson and I really need an in with her…so he gets a pass this time.
Victor, I salute you. And that snappy track suit with the pockets big enough to carry eight-track cartridges down to the discotheque. Keeping It Real and Staying Alive, dude.
Back in the Hot Glue Room, the Moms were Blinging and BeDazzling when Jessalynn asked Cindy why she felt the need to always talk shizzle about her daughter Honey Bow Bow. She asked her that. Right there.
OhNoSheDin’t. YesSheDid.
On an aside, Cindy told us that she didn’t say anything that she wouldn’t say right to a Mom’s face. Or in line at Walmart when your card gets declined. Or in the parking lot at Walmart when you ding her car with your cart full of bulk snacks. Or in the restroom at IHOP. Or in the middle of a funeral if you’re taking too long in line.
She’s from…well, you know by now.
The whole confrontation exploded into a bunch of (bleeped) out Mob Wives mouth pixelation (…they must share the same Dance Moms Bleeper Blur Guy who has to follow Jill Vertes around all day…) and then ended with Cindy trying to imitate JoJo’s sassiness, which awkwardly looked more like the shakes you get when your blood sugar drops too fast than any actual booty popping.
Sit down, Philly. Have some apple juice before you black out.
When it was all over, it was no Kristie Ray vs. Yvette Watts. But it was fun to watch, which Kira and Sheryl did from the other side of the table while everyone else multitasked their aggression.
OhHellNo. I’m not getting Crazy Glue on my acrylics. Not happening.
Finally, it was Showtime! And Casual Friday, I guess.
My boy Kevin Manno had ditched his signature skinny suit and opted for some country cool this week. A vest and string tie and a pair of those high heeled boy boots that you shouldn’t wear unless you’re on Dancing With The Stars. The ones that are half cowboy and half not cowboy.
Those.
Abby had a Halloween sheriff’s badge pinned to her junk and Rachelle Rak seemed to be fairly low key for someone who’s middle name is ‘Sas.’
(Spoiler Alert: I was wrong on that one.)
Richy was oozing Pink Flamingo Realness and iParty Straw Hat Couture and totally deserved an abundance of glam photos in this week’s recap. When I finally go Vegas Showgirl hunting in the woods of Nashville, you know I’m hitting him up for some camo so I blend in with my surroundings.
Backstage, Jessalynn got all Mean Girls In The Bathroom with JoJo as they both discussed how to dispose of Cindy’s body behind the building after the competition, speaking just loud enough to assure that Giaaaaanna and her Mom could hear every word.
Psych. Mind Games.
Trinity and JoJo’s ribbon dance went pretty well until the end. Trinity clearly smoked JoJo in the routine with her Asia Monet Ray Face and dominatrix ribbon snaps. At least until JoJo’s ribbon got tangled up with hers at the every end of the dance.
Or did it? It’s a question that may never be answered.
Sheriff Abby told JoJo that ‘cute’ was over and had left the building. It was time to dance from the neck down.
Backstage, if Cindy could have mustered the willpower to stand up, I’m certain she would have done The Wave like they do at football games.
Cindy’s my name. Couch Slouchin’s my game. Go Philly.
JoJo cried when she got off stage. That made me sad. In doses slightly smaller than her hair bows, I don’t mind the little spark plug. She’s still growing on me. Kinda.
Kalani hit the stage and rode her age-inappropriate saddle gear like some kind of schoolgirl Beyoncé as she whipped her lasso and hair around like one of those hotel pay-per-views. Dang, Girl.
Richy stood up and gave her the finger. And then Rachelle stood up and I realized that I was wrong about her subdued ensemble. So wrong.
More like a fringed bra and booty shorts with some other patriotic stuff happening down there under the table at the kuntry stoe. The Rak wished that she had worn a hair clip just so she could rip it out and get her freak on right there in front of everyone.
PS. Today’s outfit brought to you by the fine folks down at Boom Boom & Pow. With 20 locations in the metro area, there’s sure to be one by you. And if not, just wear your daughter’s shorts after she leaves for school.
Work it. Want it. Own it. And then wash it, please.
Srsly. Rachelle is so full of Rachelle that you can’t help but love her.
And as if that wasn’t enough, Rachelle’s soul suddenly jumped into Richy’s body through his wide open mouth and he popped up out of his seat, threw himself upside down on the desk like one of those music videos they only show after 11pm and almost made Abbby have a cigarette.
Next up, Travis and McKaylee did their dueling gun fight down at the saloon.
McKaylee was too tall and Travis looked like that Toy Story cowboy who always fell down every time a real human being walked into the room.
There was some discussion amongst the judges as to whether Woody should have jumped higher than McKaylee since he was a real boy now, but we never got the final call on that one.
To finish us off, Giaaaaanna sat on a front porch rocking chair and picked at a guitar while Pa whittled something out of a stick until some city slicker got too close to the farm and then she catapulted herself into the air and went for her shotgun. Her dance was really not that bad, but she wore those ace bandage-y cheat feet shoes that didn’t match her skin tone and it was all downhill to the mud bog from there.
When it was all said and done for the week, JoJo, Travis and Gianna were in the Bottom Three. Tina had a minor aneurysm and then saved Giaaaaanna from elimination.
Jessalynn gave what was probably the best Side Eye glance in the history of all Reality TV and then Travis got sent home to merge with his Power Twin Tyler in the hopes of regaining his weakening strength.
So basically, not only does Tina now need more therapy after this week’s competition, but she also has to sleep with the light on. I wouldn’t want to be on Jessalynn’s bad side. Would you? Imagine waking up with JoJo staring down at you.
As Travis and Sheryl headed out of Dodge, the remaining cowgirls all headed to the AUDC saloon for some juice boxes and straight bourbon.
And then there were five.
