OMG. That tiara. I am like so totally jealz.
A Princess? As if. Good luck finding a Pumpkin Coach big enough for that one.
This is how all the Divas do Recycling Day. What’s it gonna be, bitches? Paper or Plastic?
Umm. Yeah. Newsflash. She gets it from her Momma. Any questions?
Seriously. I would pay good money just to see a house miss the Witch and fall on that Mother.
From this side of the Magic Mirror all I see is a bucket load of bat s*** crazy.
Toto, I don’t think we’re in Pittsburgh anymore.
You can click your tap shoes together as many times as you want, Honey, but until the Great and Powerful Abby Lee Milller says so…you ain’t going nowhere.
It was Fairy Tale Week on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, and through the magic of Dance and BeDazzling all our favorite Storybook Classic came to life, complete with pixie dust, poison apples and Pussycat Doll promos.
Abby had already cut the herd in half by the time everyone scooted into the rehearsal hall for this week’s Group Challenge. Being down to the Final 6 meant that not only were both the competition and the Moms getting more exhaustingly intense, but that it was also time to start milking each scene the way they do on a 5 hour Dancing With The Stars finale.
And you know exactly what I mean. Filling an hour with 6 kids is a lot more difficult than just letting 12 of them run around in circles until the clock runs out.
It was time for everyone behind the scenes to get a little more creative, which would explain why we got more pre-game makeup tutorials and a dramatic pause at the end of nearly every sentence, complete with freeze framed faces that made every conversation feel like a Telemundo Friday cliffhanger.
But regardless of the number of kids left over, nothing can happen until the all important Group Challenge, so in came Abby and her lap dog Kevin Manno.
By now you know how I live for his weekly fashion show. Bitch stole my look.
This week Kevin had apparently just bolted over from auditioning for an open spot on whatever that all male Varsity singing group is called from that school where Kurt’s boyfriend came from on Glee, because Dude was styling in a two toned cardigan and fake blue Burberry tie, another pair of his trademark Eurotrash skinny pants and one more slightly altered attempt at bootlegging Ryan Seacrest‘s hair. Love this guy.
Not to be outdone, and to make certain that everyone remembered whose name was actually on the marquee, Abby strolled in wearing what I believe was one of Maddie‘s dance crowns that she lifted out of a display case before leaving Pittsburgh, accessorized with a fairy wand and another ninja star ring.
Bibbity Bobbity BooYeah, Bitches.
To set the tone for the Storybook theme, Abby channeled her Inner Fairy Godmother and somehow magically made choreographer Anthony Burrell appear at her side to lead the challenge, and he popped in all gangstah hand jive and ready to get da party started.
This week’s skill was Individuality. Yo’ own spin on the thang, according to Anthony. So that meant that he would set the girls up with some core moves and then they had to make the magic happen on their own. The winner would not only be the lead in the group number, but also get to duet with the bitter second place dancer.
I’m not really certain the girls were into it, but 45 minutes later my man Kevin certainly was as he did the White Boy Head Bop to the rhythm of the boogie woogie beat during the showdown.
After multiple fairy wand boinks and a number of convoluted Disney references from Godmother Abby, Madison and her Catwoman eyeliner won first prize.
Since the corners of Madison’s emotionless mouth have so far proven to be incapable of curving upwards, it’s nice that she could compensate for no smile muscles with all that Selina Kyle warpaint. Yeah. I went there.
Amanda came in second, so she would officially be the Evil Queen going up against Madison’s Snow White in the duet.
Heigh Ho, Sickle Toe. It’s off to rehearsal we go.
The group number was a woodland themed fairy nymph-looking thing with enough artificial leaves scattered around the floor to keep the entire Lifetime legal department on retainer just waiting for someone to break a leg or crack their skull open.
Tiny sassafrassy Asia was the Baby Fairy stalking Madison through the slippery autumnal confetti as everyone else tossed leaves in the air like they had just taken Ecstasy at Studio 54.
Unfortunately, little blonde Jordyn was not picking up on her choreography notes fast enough, which caused her to repeat some visually offensive moves over and over.
It also caused Mom Kelly to come completely unhinged and unleash enough direct-to-video evidence to get her child scooped right up by Child Services after the curtain call.
Mom blew a nutty.
“You be quiet. This is where I talk. You don’t talk. You listen. I’m talking.”
Kelly had her CrazyFace on. And her fingers and fists and hair were going everywhere.
Honestly, stick a few of those orange cone lights in her hands and Mom could have brought in aircraft at JFK without any assistance from the Tower.
Point your damn foot or we’ll settle this on the Maury Povich Show.
The duet rehearsal was pretty tame in comparison. The exciting part is that it was choreographed by Bond Girl Kitty McNamee. I just like saying that name.
And then it was Fierce 1 and Fierce 2 as Asia met up with Ricky Palomino to werk it as the Wicked Witch.
After Asia made me feel even older than I am by casually mentioning she was pretty certain that she had heard of The Wizard of Oz and may have even watched the movie once or twice in the whopping 6 years that she has been alive (…just…shoot…me…) it was time to practice being so hot you melt.
To conceptualize the iconic water in yo’ face scene, Ricky had somehow confiscated enough black plastic tarp to cover Wrigley Field when it rains and proceeded to wrap Asia up inside it like…well…like a little girl wearing enough black vinyl to cover a baseball field, I guess.
It was actually a very cool visual. Granted, it looked a little bit like the commercial with that baby duckling stuck in a BP Oil rig explosion…but smear some sparkly green Pop Rocks lipstick on Asia and that little bitch can make anything work.
Baby got Face. And a Flying Monkey.
Hadley‘s Tinkerbell solo on the other hand, could have used some magic.
After two weeks in the bottom, Hadley’s self confidence was shot and Mom was not helping. She tried to help. But she wasn’t helping.
Even Yvette‘s weekly fortune cookie words of wisdom had no effect on Hadley, who eventually broke down into those hiccup cries you get when Justin Bieber launches a new perfume at Macy’s and he passes you behind the ropes.
Jordyn’s solo rehearsal seemed to go better than her group rehearsal, or maybe that was just because Mom took a sedative. Regardless, Jordyn smiled and vowed to show the world that she was just not a Hip Hop Barbie phenom.
Last girl, barely standing, was Brianna.
Turns out that over the last two months, everyone’s favorite outcast has been suffering with a sore knee. So by the time she was swaddled in ten pounds of Red Riding Hood cloak and doing drop, duck and rolls around the forest, she was hurting. But Brianna’s will to live, and the Survivor background music, made it clear that the show must go on.
And speaking of. Finally, it was Showtime!
Richy Jackson was finger waving right out of the gate again, this time all Varsity jacket and crop circle hair. I swear his barber must squish his head through a giant Play-Doh Fun Factory cookie cutter stencil to get that so tight and right. There must be something in the water on Lady Gaga‘s tour bus.
Robin Antin kept with the overall theme of the evening by spraying on an extra coat of magic boob dust and wearing the same costume that I think the girl in Tangled wore when she fell out of the castle. Only she may have hooched it up a bit more, because I think that movie was only rated G now that you mention it.
Kevin busted out another skinny ensemble and some bigger Seacrest hair.
Yeah. It was on.
The group number went off without any long term brain injuries or broken ankles even though leaves were flying everywhere. They also had all the little wood nymphs draped in miles of fabric (…2 for 1 deal when Ricky picked up his tarp, maybe?…) which reminded me of those Year of the Rat parades when all the little Chinese kids are hiding inside those giant paper mâché dragons. Those kids in the parade are so cute I can’t stand it.
Jordyn’s dance went really well, considering all the drama leading up to her performance. I’m still not sure what to think each week when her Mom goes bazoinks before every show and then acts surprised when her kid actually succeeds in the end. I should have known during that first episode when Kelly was pinging all over the inside of a cab in anticipation of meeting Abby that she was going to be a handful.
Tinkerbell did okay when it was her turn. Not bad. Not great. My psychic powers told me that if Hadley and Yvette left now they could beat traffic, if you know what I mean.
Asia’s ginormous trash bag dance was a little more Witch Strip than I had originally anticipated as she pulled off her black gloves and used her bite sized Beyoncé booty to force Dorothy, and all the boys in the yard, to surrender.
Naturally, Robin somehow managed to take credit for all of Asia’s genetic Divatude and proudly proclaimed that she probably learned it all from the Pussycat Dolls.
Seriously. Is she legally bound to pimp them hoes in every episode? Is it in her contract or something?
As we have discussed multiple times…I love me some PCD. And you can feel free to loosen up my buttons, baby. Beep. Beep.
But unless Robin has some late breaking news on a Pussycat Polio Vaccine…can we give it a rest for one week?
Brianna took her Hood to the ‘hood and made it through the dance with out getting eaten by a Wolf or popping a knee cap. That was a win/win which made Abby howl like she was either gettin’ some or standing in front of Taco Bell at midnight. I’m not really sure what was going on with that one.
The duet finished off the evening in classic Storybook Good vs. Evil.
Amanda looked through her evil Magic Mirror like she was all Oh Hell No I See You Talkin’ To My Man and Madison almost cracked a smile.
In true Dance Moms fashion, the Evil Queen even grabbed the good girl by the throat and for a second I thought I was back at the Candy Apples Dance Center.
Nobody jerks it like Mike.
And then Hadley got cut. Hadley cried. Yvette cried.
And Kristie did a Victory lap around the auditorium in her JLo stilettos.
Happy Never After?
And then there were 5.