Family Magazine

A post-Easter Letter to My Mother

By Parentalparody @parental_parody
Dear Mum,
Thanks for your text message.  Really glad you learnt how to press at least 9 buttons on your new mobile phone before buggering off on an Eastern European cruise for a month.
“No shops on boat. Bugger”
Happy Easter to you too, and yes your beloved Grandkids are fine.  Thanks for asking.
Speaking of Easter, Kudos on including that major holiday in your trip. 
Having said that, you are now required to submit a leave request form to me for approval for all future absences.
Why, you ask?
Because in your absence, I became the head honcho of the family.
I did not like it.  Not one bit.  Which is ironic, as I thought it would be all cool power-trippy type experiences - ordering others around, handing out tasks and passing my wine glass to be filled, then accepting praise for my cooking prowess.
This may or may not be an indication of how I have seen your role at previous holidays / family get togethers at your place.
To switch back to daughterly whiny mode for a moment of dobbing :
#1 Brother did not do what he was told. Ever. He teased me and took the piss out of me relentlessly.  I couldn't even threaten him with "I'll tell Mum!" 
And he slept talked and that woke me up.  To make it even worse, he wasn’t even saying anything remotely interesting or intelligent (but what’s new?).
#1 Hubby and #1 Brother hogged the television to watch football 24/7.  I was outnumbered, and therefore outvoted.  I had to read!  *shudder* Or interact with my kids for longer than normal. 
Neither of them filled up the ice.  I mean, it’s automatic – all you do is fill the water dispenser, and it creates perfectly symmetrical ice blocks for you.  You don’t even have to wrestle with an ice cube tray to get them out.  How hard is it?!
They did not cook a thing.  Not even their own toast.  Didn’t even make their own coffee.  Outrageous, right?  (PS. I broke your toaster, totally unrelated and without malice, but even it resigned over the Easter period and chose to suicide into total permanent flat-lining failure at the inequity of the domestic situation).
Now I know that you always cook the big holiday and celebratory meals, and I do enjoy these feasts.  But you have to cut that shit out.  You are setting a precedence that I am not prepared to maintain in life after your demise (that’s my really nice way of putting it).

A post-Easter letter to my Mother

The type of festive fancy feast we've come to expect from you


I slaved over dinner for multiple hours each night.  It was a real pain in the ass to have to pre-plan and source food that would please 5 people of different ages and tastes.  Must really shit you when it’s 7 of us landing on your doorstep for Christmas, Easter, and various long weekends.  And you don’t even have a MacDonalds near by for the slack person’s alternative.
Side bar – since when did men get to back away slowly from the ‘hunter and gatherer’ role?  Neither of these alleged-men offered to hunt or gather, even to the local IGA supermarket.  In fact, we had fish and chips on Good Friday – and I had to stay sober to drive 5 minutes down the road and pick them up.  That is after I had to go and pre-order them in the morning.
** (Bloggy people - see note at end)

A post-Easter letter to my Mother

The kind of festive "Fancy Feast" the family can expect from me in future


You know how we always take the piss out of you not letting anyone - except me - help with the cleaning up?  I’ve come to realize this is just your covert way of training me up to take over in future.  Nobody is allowed to rinse a dish, wipe a surface, load the dishwasher etc?  Bugger that.  It sucks after you’ve spent a few hours planning, preparing and serving a meal.  Not to mention, you hardly feel like eating it yourself after all that effort.  What a waste.  I can see why you require a  few buckets of glass of wine while you cook.
And don’t even get me started on your #1 Grandkids.  They require some serious training.  I think you should book them in to the same  prison-style boot camp  boarding school that you sent me to.  That will sort them out and force them to do their own laundry, make their own beds, eat what is put in front of them without question or requests for cordial accompaniments.  Sure, they’re only 5 and 2 ¼ - but it’s never too early.  This I am telling you, because there is bugger all chance of me affording those fees for even one child, let alone all three.  So this one is all on you.
So here’s what I’m thinking :
We start now, and train Miss5 to prepare Mojito’s, Vodka tonic, teach her how to pop a champagne bottle’s cork without spillage / wastage, and the correct ratio of wine to ice cubes.  Then we get her a fairly blunt knife and teach her how to prepare anti-pasto to serve with the drinks.  By the time we’ve all sat back and relaxed and enjoyed that (you know…like the men folk do ALL THE FREAKING TIME), nobody will require a lavish dinner.  We could have this one down to a fine art by Christmas.

A post-Easter letter to my Mother

With just a little bit of training, Miss5 could be producing cocktails and canapes like these


It’s either that or importing a DA/N (Domestic Assistant / Nanny).
(Ooh err…the politically incorrectness of it all.  I blame YummyYumTwinMum for this one, as she has got my jealousy all aflutter with talks of her own domestic assistance freeing her up for cocktails, shopping and pilates.  Ok maybe not the pilates bit, no matter how you dress it up, it is still exercise).
And, as mentioned, I am drawing up a leave application form.  All future holiday’s will need to be planned and applied for at least 3 months in advance.  In the event of your leave falling over a long weekend, it will allow me sufficient time to buy up enough frozen pizzas and two minute noodles to cover the holiday period, and to harass you sufficiently to ensure your pantry is fully stocked with the good brand/label alcohol and expensive snacks I can’t afford at my own house.
In the event of a major holiday (my birthday, Easter or Christmas), I am coming.  Or leave is denied.
So anyway, enjoy your holiday and all that.  But hurry up and come home and resume control of the family please.
Thanks
With much love and newfound respect,#1 Daughter
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** By the way...bloggy people reading this - awesome fish and chips at LJ's Diner in Lancelin.  I say this as an expert, since it was my Teenager-hood workplace.  If you ever find your way 1 1/2hrs North of Perth...go try their fish and chips...and bring some back for me so I don't have to hunt / gather / cook / save the world.

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