Community Magazine

A for Anxiety

By Rubytuesday
I spent some time with a good friend of mine yesterday
After cancelling on her numerous times over the past few weeks, I finally managed to call in to her
I'm not quite sure why these things are such a big deal for me
I know it has a lot to do with anxiety
And throw in zero confidence and every little thing is a struggle
And the thing is, I know if I push myself to do these things, I will really enjoy them
It's just the anxiety before hand that gets me everytime
I guess I feel that I am really out of practice socially
I spend a lot of time on my own and any type of social event scares the be-Jesus out of me
What is the anxiety about?
Well....
I'm afraid I won't know what to say
I'm afraid people won't like or accept me
I'm afraid I'll do or say something stupid
I'm afraid that once people get to know me and they see how crazy I am, they will run in the opposite direction
I could go on and on
Anyway
I called in to my friend early
It was so good to see her
To sit down with a cuppa and a smoke and have a really good chat
I always forget how much I enjoy this
My friend also has an eating disorder and an addiction past so she completely gets me
Listening to her talk I can see how far she has come on her own journey
She has gained so much wisdom and insight
It's such a joy to listen to her speak
Don't get me wrong here, everything in her life is not perfect
Not at all
She still struggles with food and other issues
But she is in recovery
It shines out of her
Like I used to, she attends meetings, AA and NA
She works the 12 Step programme
And it really is working for her
She is doing a course
She is now seeing a lovely guy
She is living her life on her terms
I used to go to meetings
I was at my best then recovery wise
But I haven't been to a meeting in about 2 years
I really want to go back
I know how much it would help me
If I could just get my eating disordered ass out the front door then I might have a fighting chance
When I got home my friend and her boyfriend texted me
They said that they would come and pick me up Friday night and bring me to a meeting
I accepted the invitation
But now I am terrified
My anxiety is having a field day
My ed is telling me I am too fat to go anywhere
My addiction and my ed have joined forces trying to stop me from going
Because they know that if I go I will be that much stronger and they will be weaker
I know the next couple of days will be tough as my brain pings around like a pinball
Will I go?
Will I not go?
Will I go?
Yes
On second thoughts, no I won't
Will I go?
I should go
I want to go
Then I will go
Or maybe not
What if they don't like me?
What if I talk absolute shite
What if.........
I've thought a lot about people not liking other people
When I was treatment there was a lady who I will call M
She was 55 years old and on the eating disorder programme with me
She was the type of person who said exactly what she thought
She said many things to me over the time I was there
She once told me that I looked really old
Her and I had many run ins and arguments and disagreements over the weeks
But you know what?
Despite all these differences I still really liked her and was quite fond of her
Even though she could be moody
Even though when I was leaving she told me that she would keep in touch with 'short texts only'
Even though she was mean sometimes
I still considered her a friend and  had a lot of time for her
All this taught me that it really does take a lot for someone to dislike someone
I know it takes a lot for me to really not like someone
Sure you might not get on with someone too well
Or you may not agree with everything they say
But to really not like or even hate someone is rare enough
And if it happens
If someone decides that they don't like me
That's ok
It's not the end of the world
I'm not going to crumble because a certain person doesn't care for me
It's my insecurity
I want to be liked
I want to fit in and belong
I want to know that I am a good person
So I wanted to ask you how you deal with anxiety
How do you manage to live your life without giving in to it?

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