A Compelling Parody of the Song “Rude” by MAGIC!

When you turn on the radio lately, you’ve probably come across MAGIC!’s hit song “Rude” before immediately changing the channel. If you haven’t heard of MAGIC!, I’ll assume that’s because you don’t listen to Canadian reggae fusion bands—likely because you didn’t know that type of band even existed, and like chocolate-covered cauliflower, it’s something you’ve been surviving just fine without for your entire life, so why break with tradition now?

The hit song details one man’s problematic journey to marrying the woman he loves. It begins with our lovesick narrator showing up at his lady love’s home to ask her father for his blessing to marry her, which the proud patriarch promptly declines. Evidently, this man is so averse to the prospect of this union that he informs our narrator he won’t receive his blessing until the day he dies (which, to the father’s credit, isn’t a complete no!). Needless to say, the narrator responds poorly to such an affront and accuses his paramour’s father of being rude and overlooking his status as a fellow human being. In a fit of defiance, our narrator vows that he’s going to marry her anyway, and they’re going to be a family.

What remains somewhat unclear is how the bride-to-be feels about this heated exchange between her alleged beau and her father. The narrator suggests that his inamorata is so eclipsed by his love that she’d be willing to go to the altar regardless of her father’s thoughts. He even intimates that she’s amenable to running away to another galaxy with him. Personally, I think the narrator isn’t fully aware of the potential rift he’s causing between father and daughter…

I decided to imagine a world where our narrator shows up at the wrong house, arriving instead at the home of a woman who spends her mornings alone, eats toast, and loathes unexpected houseguests. In this alternate universe, we see a woman’s perspective of our narrator, and instead of encounters with a menacing father-in-law, the budding promise of impending nuptials, and an upcoming intergalactic honeymoon, our dear narrator is confused for a UPS man and meets an unfortunate end. Join me on this wayward journey, simply titled “Dude.”

Saturday morning jumped out of bed and got out my grape jam
Whipped up some toast and then ate my bread, I don’t give a damn
Heard a knock at the door with my knife in my hand
Decided to answer
‘Cause it might be the UPS man, yeah

Can I have free shipping for the rest of my life?
Say yes, say yes ’cause I need to know
He says he wants my blessing to marry some bride
“That’s odd,” I said, “Now you need to go”

Who the fuck is this weird dude?
Don’t you know I’m eating food?
Leave now or I’m cutting you
I’m gonna bury him anyway

Bury that guy
Bury him anyway
Bury that guy
It will be child’s play
Bury that guy
And we’ll be enemies

Who the fuck is this weird dude?

I have to kill you, you leave no choice
Can’t let you leave here
If you scream now I will steal your voice
Stab you on this threshold
And then I’ll run away
Perhaps off to Paraguay, you know
You know my cat’s in love with me
He will go anywhere I go

I’ll still be paying shipping for the rest of my life
Guess I could spend $50 at Amazon though
Said he wanted my blessing to marry some bride
“That’s odd,” I said, “’Cause you’re already dead”

Who the fuck was this weird dude?
Didn’t he know I have to poo?
Now what am I going to do?
I’m gonna bury him anyway

Bury that guy
Bury him anyway
Bury that guy
No matter what you say
Bury that guy
And we’ll be enemies

Who the fuck was this weird dude?

Can I have free shipping for the rest of my life?
Say yes, say yes ’cause I need to know
He says he wants my blessing to marry some bride
“That’s odd,” I said, “Now you need to go”

Who the fuck is this weird dude?
Don’t you know I’m eating food?
Leave now or I’m cutting you
I’m gonna bury him anyway

Bury that guy
Bury him anyway
Bury that guy
It will be child’s play
Bury that guy
And we’ll be enemies

Who the fuck is this weird dude?
Who the fuck is this weird dude?