It’s T-Minus three weeks until my son starts kindergarten, but I’m not stressed at all. I know there are a lot of other parents out there just like me, who will be sending their baby out into the big, bad world of crafts-making and rule-following and bells ringing…and them being away from you all day, and you not knowing what the hell is going on and why can’t I give him a cell phone so he can text me if he needs me but his spelling is still pretty terrible…oh no he’s already behind and it’s my fault plus he’d only use a phone to play Minecraft and won’t learn anything and flunk out of school on his first day thus ruining his chance of any happiness in life!!!
Nope, not stressed one bit.
Preparing your kid (and by “your kid,” I mean you) for their first day of REAL SCHOOL is easier than you think. Just follow these few simple suggestions and everything will be absolutely, positively, one hundred percent perfect.
1. GET THE LAY OF THE LAND
Obtain schematics for the school, including drop off/pick up spots, location of the nurse’s office, routes to bathrooms, and all fire exits. Make a recording describing these layouts in detail, then play them while your child sleeps so they’re subliminally committed to his or her memory. Conducting middle-of-the-night fire/disaster/poop drills are also beneficial. Air horns recommended.
2. KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE…
Do background checks on all the kids in your child’s classroom, as well as their parents. Find out which have a record of pulling hair, spitting or biting (applies to kids or parents), and make flash cards so your child can familiarize him or herself with this “Bad Seed” list.
Additionally, hack the school’s computer and maneuver your child so he’s seated next to that super genius musical prodigy with the millionaire parents.
3. I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE
A spy camera hidden in a hair barrette or shirt button is a simple solution to see everything your child sees. While a bit of breaking and entering extra prep work is required, a nanny cam in the classroom is also quite useful. For this, a mug for teacher is adequate.
However, if your budget allows, a remote-controlled, cyborg goldfish with HiDef, waterproof scope is much more effective…and also makes a lovely class pet.
4. SUPPLIES & DEMANDS
Crayons, paste and glitter are fine, but make sure to include some garlic, nunchucks, and a machete in your child’s backpack. You never know when vampires, ninjas, or zombies may overrun the school — apocalypses aren’t typically included on the class calendar. An invisibility cloak is also helpful, if you can find one.
5. DRESSED FOR SUCCESS
Host a focus group of fashion professionals, trendsetters, and first graders to choose your child’s First Day of Kindergarten Outfit (F’DOKO). Using the top 10-15 recommendations from your panel of experts, create a Pinterest board and engage social media to help narrow it down to a top 3. Then create a F’DOKO Matrix (F’DOKO-M), taking into account the data you’ve already acquired, as well as upcoming films, top-rated kids’ TV shows, and Pantone’s Colors of the Year to determine your final selection. This process is also great for selecting backpacks and lunchboxes.
6. IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
What do you do if your kid gets hungry between lunch and snack time? Or she suddenly doesn’t like the meal of her (until today) favorite foods you prepared? The night before school (after you’ve set up the subliminal school schematics recording, but before the drills) yank out that wiggly tooth and implant a SnackMergency™ capsule. It works similar to (but less poisony than) a cyanide pill. Any time they’re hungry, your child merely bites down on the implant to receive a burst of snacky goodness! Available in 3 flavors: pizza, mac & cheese, and Berry Blast.
7. WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
Lunch notes are for hacks and amateurs. Instead, include a personalized holographic message in his or her lunchbox. You know, like when Superman stuck those crystals in that thing in the Fortress of Solitude, and his Kryptonian dad showed up as a floating head (even though he supposedly blew up with their planet), and told him all the wise things? Do that.
DIY Lunchbox Holograph:
Rig up some carrot sticks, so that when your child dips them into the organic edamame hummus yogurt dip you made from scratch, a giant, glowy version of you pops up to remind him to eat all of his lunch, that he’s doing a great job, and to be sure and not to spill the organic edamame hummus yogurt dip on his Marc Jacobs Minions pullover.
Alternate message delivery methods:
- Secure a sky writer to do a fly-by during recess letting your little one know just how much you love them… and to remember to get that genius kid’s phone number.
- Write an cheerful note in invisible ink on their shirtsleeves. Can be activated by any liquid, including milk, paint, perspiration or snot.
8. PLANNING AHEAD
Lastly, alert your list of universities (or prep schools if you’re just doing this now, slacker) that your progeny has entered kindergarten, and to watch their in-box for your child’s forthcoming application.
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I hope you got a chuckle out of this over-the-top list of impossible ideas — ideas that are nonetheless based on the genuine fears and concerns parents of impending kindergartners have. Among the strongest of these is the irrational, yet very real fear that our children will cease to need us the moment they step into their new classrooms.
The only pieces of actual advice I can give:
Our kids will still need us. While they battle us for every inch of independence they can gain, take comfort in knowing that our wee ones still need to learn how to shave, drive, and navigate the birds and bees. So we have all that to look forward to.
Nobody’s perfect. Not us, not our kids, not other peoples’ kids. If you’re like me, and only have a few weeks till K-Day, there’s really nothing you can do now anyway. So rest in the knowledge that you’ve prepared them as best you can… or in the knowledge that they’re screwed, and hope the teachers can fix all your mistakes.
How you feel and act is going to set your child’s mood. So on that fateful day not too long from now — when you usher your tot out the door and into their wide-open future — be positive, be excited, and above all, be proud. Once you’ve dropped them off, then you can be a mess. I know I will be.
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Share your own tips (or concerns) in the comments! Or pop on over to Designer Daddy’s Facebook page, where we can share our wisdom and war stories and hopefully support one another.
