1. Not you.
2. What shall I have for dinner?
3. Do I have enough money on my Oyster card?
4. Not you.
5. Do I even still need an Oyster card? I’m wary of being overcharged if I use my contactless.
6. What shall I wear for tonight’s date?
7. Not you.
8. Who was that missed call from an unknown number from earlier?
9. There’s a message. Should I listen to that?
10. Who even leaves messages these days? Text FFS.
11. Not you.
12. Do I have time at lunch to buy something for tonight’s date?
13. Mind you, I don’t want to come back late from lunch with carrier bags, right?
14. Seriously why would anyone leave a message?
15. And withhold their number?
16. Now I’m thinking about you.
17. Oh it has to be you; that’s you all over.
18. You still showing off those spying skills you learned out of a Christmas cracker, I see.
19. And why would you text when you can just leave a message – dripping in fake breeziness in some effort to make me think you give a shit, no doubt – and make me feel really bad?
20. Well it’s not going to work.
21. I haven’t thought about you in days, weeks, millennia. And I’m not about to start now.
22. And you knew I’d be at work and couldn’t answer. So selfish. Still!
23. And I wouldn’t answer anyway – my phone is for texting, Facebook, Twitter and ironically playing Solitaire on the way to work. But of course you knew that.
24. Well, I’m not going to listen to the message. I don’t need this.
25. So, what shall I wear tonight? How do I want to look?
26. Anything except “desperate”, I guess.
27. I mean I can’t BELIEVE you would do that – just phone out of the blue and expect me to answer it and talk like a normal person, like nothing ever happened. “Let’s stay friends.” I don’t think so.
28. Hang on. Unless… are you going to say you want me back?
29. Maybe invite me out to some pub – perhaps even the same one you dumped me in if I’m extra lucky – and give me some spiel about how you made a mistake and you’re sorry and can we try again?
30. And I will sit there with watery eyes and try to be stern or revel in how pathetic you are but really I’ll be thinking “Yes”, because this is probably what I actually want, even though I will pretend I don’t.
31. And the night will end with me home alone and caressing a kebab on my lap like it’s the baby Jesus or my childhood rabbit because I didn’t say “OK let’s do it”.
32. I’m not even going to listen to this bullshit message.
33. I’ve never been better or stronger. I have a date tonight.
34. He doesn’t even look that much like you. I don’t even like blond hair – it’s just a coincidence.
35. I can’t believe you are doing this to me.
36. And now I am going to have to listen to this message and feel all these feelings again. You’re disgusting.
37. “Press 1 to hear new messages.” I’d happily press 1 to make your head explode like a bag of kidneys dropped off the top of a multi-storey car park.
38. Oh.
39. An injury lawyer.
40. An automated message asking if I want to put a claim in.
41. Not you. Again.
More like this:
The post-breakup bachelor pad survival kit
A beginner’s guide to breaking it off by text
A beginner’s guide to breaking it off over the phone
Why everybody needs a broken heart
