Dating apps, whether they’re for long-lasting love or a three-minute hook-up you can brag to your friends about, have revolutionised our love and sex lives.
But even with tec so new and exciting, we’re still a habit-forming animal – we can’t resist becoming a cliché.
So here are a few things you will almost certainly see on hook-up or dating apps. Swipe. Left.
1. A guy who does the same facial expression in every photo.
It’s usually a lop-sided grin or a grimace or that wide-open scream face that Caitlin Moran does a lot. Or a pout. They’ll find a preferred pose and stick to it. And it will never be just a smile.
2. Someone who has accidentally uploaded the same picture three times.
3. “Looking for a gym buddy.”
I have a boyfriend, but I would like to get unspeakable with you in the changing rooms once a week.
4. A selfie taken in a dirty mirror.
5. A selfie with a pile of dirty laundry in the background.
6. An impossibly good-looking 19-year-old who would rather sleep with the Tollund Man than you.
But you try anyway.
7. A headless torso.
8. Someone who’s just finished the Color Run.
9. The four stages of beard.
a) None, but lots of intent.
b) Light fuzz.
c) Getting bushy and ‘interesting’.
d) Yorkshire Ripper.
10. The open relationship.
The hot one’s pics are up front, the horse-frightener lies buried about three swipes down.
11. “Not into hook-ups.”
He’s into hook-ups.
12. The professional conversation starter.
Hi. Hiya. Hey. Hi mr. Wassup?
13. A guy who has had his photos done professionally.
More than likely a rent boy but may just be the vainest person alive.
14. A guy using a picture of a tree/lake/ladybird for his profile pic.
This is code for “I am ugly/married/your next door neighbour/in government”.
15. “No time wasters plz.”
16. “Coffee?”
You will be dumping this guy in Starbucks in three months’ time, so you may as well start as you mean to go on.
17. A gym locker room shot, usually taken on “leg day”.
18. A gym weights room shot.
The subject will look as if he has been locked in this room for several years. Watch out for protein shake cup or NutriBullet at his feet.
19. “Looking for a room.”
Rent boy again, sorry.
20. A selfie with some furniture that immediately geo-locates the subject at his parents’ house.
21. The guy you know from work.
22. A man posing with Michelle Visage.
23. Chest hair – a retrospective.
On one pic, smooth as your mum’s worktops; the next, a bouffant of chest wig with nipple plaits.
24. #instagay
25. A guy whose bio contains several catastrophic humour misfires that make him sound like a serial killer.
26. A non native speaker whose bio has been run through Google Translate so it reads like a self-checkout machine on the blink.
27. Lame attempts at being laid back using slang they’re too old for. Hit me up.
Buzz me.
Ping me.
Sliiiiide over your digits.
No.
28. “Give me a reason to delete this app.”
29. “Have a face.”
aka “please don’t be as ugly as you sound”.
30. Bored doctor.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no matter where you are when you turn on Grindr or Zoosk or Tinder or whatever you use, your grid of pics will feature at least one bored doctor/nurse taking a selfie in the break room, looking for dirty texts.
31. The incredibly beautiful guy you will fall hopelessly in love with but never dare message.
Go on, give it a go. He might say yes.
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