21

So
Yesterday it was driving me up the freakin' wall
That I wanted to know my weight and couldn't find out
I searched the house for a suitable battery
No luck
I thought about driving to the shop to get one
But I couldn't get myself together in order to do that
And anyway
The rational part of me knew that I shouldn't do it
After my talk with my sister yesterday
I dug out my food scales
So I can judge the portions that I am serving myself
It also needed a battery
And ti happened to be the same type of battery that my weighing scales needs
So today
After the doctor and the pharmacy
I went to buy a new battery
Telling myself that it was for my food scales
But knowing that I was going to weigh myself also
I got home
And went straight to my room
I didn't give myself a chance to think about it
Or to talk myself out of it
I wanted to know
I just had to know
Whatever part of me it was
The eating disordered part
Or the rational, logical part
Wanted and had to know
I quickly replaced the battery
And stripped to my socks, bra and pants
(Contrary to pro-ana 'tips and tricks' your underwear does not effect the number, at all!)
I stood on the scale
The number flashed up red
And registered in my brain
It was actually bang what I thought and feared it would be
I stepped off and re-dressed
I wasn't sure how I felt
Part me was completely disgusted
Because the last time I saw that number
I swore I would never be back there again
I immediately wanted a smoke
So freakin' badly
But I am 3 weeks smoke free to day
And I didn't want to mess that up too
I went to my kitchen and started to interrogate my mother and sister
'What weight do you think I look?' I asked my mother
'About 7 and a half stone' she replied
I actually laughed when she said this
Because even the thought that I am that weight is just ludicrous
My sister wouldn't answer my questions
And flat refused to get in to a conversation with me about weight
Simply saying 'I don't care what you weigh'
I couldn't actually say the number
So I wrote it down and showed my mom and sister
My Mother was delighted
'Wow, that's great she said'
She genuinely seemed happy
I wish I could say that I felt the same
Next thing was to work out my BMI
It's 21
Twenty
One
I haven't been in the twenties in so long
It's all a bit overwhelming
I probably shouldn't have weighed at all
I should have left well alone
I should have taken all your sound advice
But I did what I usually do
I pressed that big red self destruct button
Because I seem to like to torture myself
Because I am a glutton for punishment
Because I seem to enjoy fucking things up for myself
As I typed this
My sister put a plate of toast down in front of me
But I can't bring myself to eat it
All of a sudden Anorexia is screaming in my head
Berating me
Making fun of me
Insulting me about my weight
I didn't buy any chocolate or crisps today
They are out of the question
Absolutely out of the question
I can't lie
I want to lose
I want to be less
Just a little bit
Until I feel comfortable in my own skin again
Even though I know how this story ends
Even though I know even the very thought of trying to lose weight is ridiculous
The urge is there
It's proving hard to resist
God dammit why do I do this to myself?
I'm hoping this feeling will subside
That the initial shock of seeing the number will dissipate
I can't tumble back down the rabbit hole
I can't put myself and my family through that again
But sometimes I feel powerless to resist
I need to get my head together
Get back on track
But I feel quite alone with this
Because I have no Mary anymore
I haven't got her reassurance
I need to use my own resources
I can't let this slip turn in to a relapse
I just can't
I have too much to lose
And I don't just mean weight
If my camera was working I would show you a photo of myself
But it's not
So I can't
Maybe that's a good thing
Any thoughts?