2017

A new year friends
Where is the time going?This year I am five years blogging It's been an amazing few yearsSo many highs and lowsUps and downs Relapses and slips Trying to recover Trying to fight for a better life I can't lie and say I enjoyed Christmas I found it pretty stressful and boring all at the same time My appetite is non existent at the moment I don't know why But I can't even look at food Never mind eat the stuffI guess they could be stress related tooAlso still have diarrhoea on a regular basis Which makes no sense at allBut that's an anxious, recovering body for youOver the break I was supposed to make a decision about my course To continue or not to continue This is the major cause of my stress Not being able to make a decisionFearing I'll make the wrong decisionAnd changing my mind ten times a dayI decided to look at my other options And booked a lesson at a stables near my house Which I've never been to before It was a private lesson yesterday It was an outdoor arenaAnd damn was it cold!But I learned so much And was given some great advice that really helped my techniqueSo I booked a lesson for next weekAnd the lady told me that I can go an hour early and help get the horses ready As well as staying after for a while tooThis is all great The downside is the cost It was €40 for an hour long private lessonThat is almost a quarter of my weekly budget But another argument is that I smoked and drank and used that money and more away for years At least this is something worthwhile I guess I will see how I manage If I can't afford it I can't afford it
Then today I met my friend Fintan And went back to horse therapy Where I started my horse riding journey I didn't get to ride But it was so nice to see everyone I missed themI had a chat with the lady And she said I can always go back there As well as doing the six week course they are running So that's another option I just need to make a decisionI contacted our course tutor today And made an appointment to see her on Friday I just feel so torn The thoughts of continuing my course makes me feel beyond anxious But the thoughts of leaving make me feel so sadI think I know what I need to do though There's no point hanging on to something that is making me feel so bad Still though It's another thing I've started and not finished I wonder if people will feel disappointed Let down But despite that I think it's the right thing to do 
There are other things to consider My recovery Before Christmas My meds were all over the place I was misusing them Using them to knock myself out I came clean to my doctor He increased my methadone and anti anxiety meds And has me on supervised daily visits to the chemist Yes It's a pain in the buttocks But it is helping keep me on the straight and narrow So yea There is a lot going onBut that's life isn't it?There's always something Bumps in the road It's just a matter that of keeping going Despite what life throws at you And lookWhatever happens I'll be around horses In one way or another I still visit my little white pony friend down the roadShe is a total pet I've started bringing the dogs to see her tooAnd she is very curious to see theNow when she sees me coming She greets me with a nicker And comes running over After three months of visiting her She has started to let me pet her Which is huge progress I think I had been given advice That I should ask the owners permission before I feed her anything So I decided to leave a note for the owner I carefully wrote a friendly letter with my favorite purple pen And sellotaped it to the gate I went back the next day to check if it was gone And I found the pony eating it Go figure...
Anyway That's all that's happening in my little world Hopefully now I have more time I will get to blog and read more then I currently amI wish you all a very happy new year And I hope all your hopes and dreams come true in 2017By the way Is anyone else massively triggered by all the diet/weight loss talk at the moment?Yea Me tooUntil the next post....